[endoftheline]

Oh my, the emails just don't stop. Apparently daughter was overpaid by SSI in January, the last month she paid us rent, and now I get an email from her saying SSI came and took all her money away for this month and she has no idea what she can do. Well, after 20 years of lying, stealing and her nasty attitude I really don't care. I was ticked when I found out she had money still in her account from last month and chose not to pay us rent, but really wasn't surprised.

I didn't want to respond since this is the only email I've received since I got the nasty remark that she'll pay rent when she's good and ready. But me and my relentless pursuit that someday she'll catch on I fell for it. I replied that if it had been me I would have questioned the over-payment in January (must be she thought it was a gift) and called SSI and then made sure I didn't touch it in case something like this happened. Now, this statement about SSI was made from someone who has repeatedly lied, stole from me, verbally abused me most of her life, and being bi-polar, if she has a penny she has to spend it now.

She also said they took all she had on her card from last month which ticked me off since she didn't pay rent. I told her we didn't expect much more than this since we left for the south and "it is what it is". Told her we still expected her to find another place to live and that we were selling the rental when we get home anyways.

Oh my did the tirade start. First email, I don't care and what kind of mother can act this way (now I've taken her from therapist, to counseling, looked for all kinds of help since she was in her teens. When she was released from jail I spent hours sitting in the car while she went to weekly court, drove her to MHA three times a week, 20 miles each day, took her to her church support group, etc.devoted months to this because I thought she had really caught on) then the next email was this tough love is nothing but crap and if she had a family that supported her she wouldn't be this way (she stole valuable things from her sister's, has physically attacked them, calls them and their kids names and mocked them and they want nothing to do with her).

Oh, it went on and on, how I couldn't wait to get her out of my life, I'm cold-hearted, she even said her current therapist said she acts this way, gets defensive and verbally abusive, as a way to shield herself from all the hurt the family has done to her. Come on, really. Haven't responded to all that and I'm trying to keep in mind that we pick our battles but it's getting close to the time we have to return home and I just don't want to go there.

[hamstay]

Stay strong! I think you have done what you can....
Hold on to your boundaries, tough, but most probably not any tougher than what your already dealing with?!?!
I, like you, are in a situation of having to stick to these boundaries in order to protect ourselves. It is not that we don't care or live them, it is about caring for ourselves first!!!
What help could we be to anyone, if we continue to let our souls be constantly weakened.
.....
Forever hopeful that tough love to save ourselves will somehow change their way of thinking or at least seek the right help for themselves.
Take care, I hope you can rebuild, reconnect with yourself over the rest of time away....
Hugs

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[endoftheline]

"Hold on to your boundaries, tough, but most probably not any tougher than what your already dealing with?!?!"

Perfect, I needed that, hamstay, and I have to keep repeating that.

Funny, I've told her more times than I can count, that before I even heard the words "tough love" I called it "sick and tired". Still refer to it as that. I'm just "sick and tired" of almost 20 years of repeated behavior. I'm "sick and tired" of laying awake nights and wondering what I did wrong or what I didn't do enough of or what can I do to help her make it better. I'm "sick and tired" of trying to understand how a "daughter" can be so mean and nasty and hurt someone who loves her, rocked her to sleep, kept the boogieman away. Just "sick and tired" of her relentless pursuit to deny me any peace make me feel selfish that I want some joy in my life.

Just plain old "sick and tired" and won't take it anymore.

[hamstay]

I hear you Eotl, 'sick' and 'tired'.....and that's exactly it!!!..... Sad but true, we can only help as much as we are physically and mentally able..... When it takes more away from us than we have.....
In the end, we can only help those who are willing to recognise & receive 'help' themselves....
Thoughts of you, as you journey ahead, staying true to yourself, re-finding yourself....

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[hamstay]

And it doesn't mean that we are giving up on them...
Doesn't mean that we don't love them....
Just that, in order for our own survival, we must take of ourselves first....

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[hamstay]

If we can think of it this way....
"first aid" (like in a physical situation)
We are taught not to dive in to emergency situations unless the 'area' is safe for ourselves first....
Can we apply that mentally also???
When problems arise.... Ask ourselves the question... Is it safe for us to....

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