[RosesFalling]

Hi folks.

I was on this forum a few years ago as I was researching, disentangling myself from a short relationship with a Narcissist (man). He was definitely a full-blown Narcissist. The relationship was luckily very short. As for my mother, I did not consider her at the time, as I had thought she suffered from high-functioning Aspergers (a therapist's opinion some years ago, but Narcissism probably not so well known then).

Also, I never thought of my mother as being a Narcissist because she didn't have the self-aggrandisement, boastful aspects. However, more than once I thought there was something "wrong" with her, her coldness and rages at times very bizarre and emotionally distressing to me.

However, after our most recent argument I realised her fury and anger seemed scarily like Narcissistic rage. Those who have witnessed it will know what exactly what I mean I think. I realised she blamed everyone else, always. Her anger was designed to hurt. No self-awareness or ability to reflect. A negative outlook. Gets angry if contradicted. Regular abandonment of me. A certain emotional emptiness. No real love relationships with men. Lack of memory of past. A self-involved, even selfish mother. Demands certain behaviours of others. Easily offended. A negative outlook. Long held grudges, often irrational. Sometimes lives in a different reality it seems. Weird sense of time. Rages out of the blue. Untrusting. Ruins Christmas and Birthdays and holidays ad nauseum. And so on and so on.

But as I said the boastfulness "I am the greatest" type mentality is missing. She is actually a fairly passive person, has a respectable social mask but not the life-and-soul of the party or very attention-seeking. Though she does like her clothes, likes to look nice, but that's about it.

Anyway, back to my question in the title!

Do you think you can be a Narcissist without the constant self-promotion, boastful and aggrandisement aspects?

Do you think you can have strong Narcissist traits without having the full-blown Personality Disorder? Do you think it makes any difference?

(I don't think my mother was quite as obviously insane or vicious as the man I went out with, but the core rage and lack of love plus other simple signs (but at a less intense level) seems remarkably similar

Curious to see what people think on this.

Sorry if long.

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by RosesFalling

Hi folks.

I was on this forum a few years ago as I was researching, disentangling myself from a short relationship with a Narcissist (man). He was definitely a full-blown Narcissist. The relationship was luckily very short. As for my mother, I did not consider her at the time, as I had thought she suffered from high-functioning Aspergers (a therapist's opinion some years ago, but Narcissism probably not so well known then).

Also, I never thought of my mother as being a Narcissist because she didn't have the self-aggrandisement, boastful aspects. However, more than once I thought there was something "wrong" with her, her coldness and rages at times very bizarre and emotionally distressing to me.

However, after our most recent argument I realised her fury and anger seemed scarily like Narcissistic rage. Those who have witnessed it will know what exactly what I mean I think. I realised she blamed everyone else, always. Her anger was designed to hurt. No self-awareness or ability to reflect. A negative outlook. Gets angry if contradicted. Regular abandonment of me. A certain emotional emptiness. No real love relationships with men. Lack of memory of past. A self-involved, even selfish mother. Demands certain behaviours of others. Easily offended. A negative outlook. Long held grudges, often irrational. Sometimes lives in a different reality it seems. Weird sense of time. Rages out of the blue. Untrusting. Ruins Christmas and Birthdays and holidays ad nauseum. And so on and so on.

But as I said the boastfulness "I am the greatest" type mentality is missing. She is actually a fairly passive person, has a respectable social mask but not the life-and-soul of the party or very attention-seeking. Though she does like her clothes, likes to look nice, but that's about it.

Anyway, back to my question in the title!

Do you think you can be a Narcissist without the constant self-promotion, boastful and aggrandisement aspects?

Do you think you can have strong Narcissist traits without having the full-blown Personality Disorder? Do you think it makes any difference?

(I don't think my mother was quite as obviously insane or vicious as the man I went out with, but the core rage and lack of love plus other simple signs (but at a less intense level) seems remarkably similar

Curious to see what people think on this.

Sorry if long.

My partner is an NPD I know exactly what you mean about the 'rages' in fact he has so many traits that apply but, like you he doesn't present as grandiose he puts on a good front to other's and wants them to like him and provide 'N' supply - he drives a big impressionable car but like you he does lack some of the criteria. I personally think we are dealing with individuals so as long as large proportion of the traits and criteria are present I think a diagnosis of NPD can be made.

[RosesFalling]

Thank you for replying, Thornbird.

I am beginning more to seeing Narcissism in a different way. It is not so much the "self-admiration" or boastful aspect. Though, as I said, my mum always liked clothes much more than the average woman. For me its generally about being focused on the self and defending the self, which creates the unreality, the rages, and the lack of emotional connection. (Or the other way round).

I do think my mother has an N complex or disorder of some kind. I came to the conclusion because - when it came down to it - I realised she didn't care about me. Superficially she could look like she did, especially if its over superficial things like meeting for lunch etc. As long as I didn't present her with anything more demanding, like a need for love, emotional or other support.

[CaseyR]

Roses, your post is interesting to me as well. Came here to see about others dealing with this issue and sadly your experience sounds eerily similar to mine. Amazing that we are here to gain clairity but the ones with the acute problem (at least my mother) is in full denial.

[RosesFalling]

I've done a good amount of therapy and other work over the years, but my recent realisation was a lightbulb moment. A lot of things made sense. I only wished I'd realised earlier perhaps, before we fell out permanently.

I think the delay may have been that she was did not present all the characteristics of NPD, and did not seem to have them in such an extreme form as I have read. She could be normal-ish a good part of the time (though I could never rely on her and never trust her). Nevertheless it still created a great deal of confusion and pain in my life - but was much harder to see.

I hope your research has helped you CaseyR. OutOfTheFog has a good forum if you haven't seen it. I found some common experiences, even though my mother (generally but not always) less extreme.

All the best.