12 year old daughter

I am in search of answers for my 12 yr old. Maybe someone will have some ideas for me.

For starters, she was an only child until she was 8. She was spoiled at that time. I got pregnant when she was 7. I explained things like all attention wont be on you etc. I know at 7 it didnt sink in completely. The father of the children was an alcoholic. I finally got the courage to make him leave around her 9th birthday. She never seemed overly excited about her brother but accepted him mostly. Over the last few years we have moved in with my boyfriend. She has become aggressive with brother, hateful to me and my boyfriend. She seems totally dissatisfied unless there is something in the situation that will benefit her. She lies about EVERYTHING, she has tantrums like a toddler and completely defies authority unless it benefits her. She is driving me crazy and I need help. I took her to her doctor who diagnosed her ADD and as having anxiety. He put her on medicine but none of it seems to help and her grades are still horrible as is the disrespect at home. She isnt disrespectful other places like she is at home. WHAT CAN I DO BEFORE I GO NUTS?

What you can do is realize your child is a child and she isn't going to be handling such a changing landscape of her life as easily as you may assume a child would. You said her birth father was an alcoholic, and this has the potential to be traumatizing to a child even if no abuse occurred. You made the amazing and difficult decision to make him leave, of which you should be proud of, but to a child it's a difficult thing to process.

This girl isn't intentionally going out of her way to drive you mad. Despite what people think, children really don't have the ability to know just what ticks someone off until they are in their early/later teens (when teens say things they know get at their parents like "You're a terrible mom!" because they understand the initial reaction from the parent). She may just be having a hard time handling this situation internally, even if it happened in a span of years.

I think a good course of action is finding a therapist or counselor for children so she can learn to work out stress and anxiety (which could easily be causing aggression, fight or flight), internally and so you can also have an open dialogue.

12 is difficult age. Not only is she dealing with changes you have made in her life her body is doing a number on her too. A good T sounds like the best solution that I can think of.