[jeff200sx]

Right first off I've never done anything like this but Im at wits end with my fiances depression and don't know what to do other than leave which i REALLY dont want to do. After typing all that i realize a lot of it is a bit of a rant as im quite annoyed right now but i think the bones are all there and you guys can read between the lines and ask questions for anything that's not making sense and ill clarify it.

This all started just over a year ago I guess, Tina is a total stress head and lets everything get on top of her, then it all comes out in a screaming match directed at me. I fight back and then its all out of hands and everyone feels crap. this went on and on with me ultimately feeling that she's just a bad person and i should get out.
Then Tina went to the doctor and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and put onto citlopram ( sp? ) and it got REALLY tough for a while, she was like an ice block inside devoid of feelings even when i was crying uncontrollably with the pain she was putting us through shed just look at me and say " i cant deal with this right now " and walk of and leave me to it.
apparently it can be normal for the meds to leave a person detached etc so i kinda got over it and moved on and for a while things were OK-ish, by that i mean good days and bad but better than before.
every day is a constant struggle for me inside to try and forget whatever happened yesterday and look forward to Tina coming home from work and pray that tonight will be a good night for us, usually its not.
I KNOW and UNDERSTAND from reading about this loads that she is unable to see the good things most of the time and that any bump in the road is a mountain to her to get over but how the hell am i ment to help if 99% for this things are coming from a really bad attitude inside her.
I suppose in many ways im on here chatting cos its got me totally messed up but i want to help her more than me, im strong and driven and offer Tina way more support than i should be its spending me up from the inside out and im running out of fuel fast.

To me it seems she has slipped into a truly dark place and all that's left of her is a bad attitude and utter selfishness, its fine when im giving support and trying so damned hard and im the best in the world when i rub her neck and stroke her hair while shes crying and getting her all patched up again but when it comes to her putting effort into us and trying to keep stepping forward its world war 3 and im enemy number 1. god help me when i actually do put my foot out of line that usually has her off to her mums for a few days with me left feeling like a bag of crap.

her main issues and triggers are
Work stress - shes an accountant in a small firm that treats them like crap.
study - she fighting hard to get fully qualified and lets it get on top of her.
money - shopaholic and cant budget, this ones hopefully in the bag and she is making progress there so i hope its dealt with finally.
Our dog - Pug called Archie that she spoiled and is now paying the price with a dog that thinks it owns her, never does what she tells him and recently started "marking" inside the house. yet does anything i ask and is bloody well behaved as long as Tina's not about.
house in a mess - not a big deal right?? she lets this stew and stew untill its a 5 hour cleaning session when she needs to do other more important things like study and the throws a wobbler.
Me - After trying hard and getting very little back I get down about it and wonder why im bothering or she says something rude when stressed and unprovoked and i get pissed about it of just leave her alone then later when she asks ( if she asks) ill tell her whatever it was cheesed me off and she says "here we go again" and starts getting tore into me.

theres probably more but right now im too fed up to think too hard about it after yet another bad atmosphere from last night and this morning.

now for the real Tina, I have never came across someone so deep and caring and happy all the time, we used to do so much together and she was nice and settled and wanting to move on in life. i was her rock when she felt down and someone she always came to for talks and comfort. Our sex-life was amazing. She made time for just us and told me all the time how much she loved me and we were soul-mates. I felt like her number 1 and we were AMAZING together.
I love her, heart and soul and pour everything i have into trying to help her out of this, I have been reading books, even the stuff the doctor gave her to read that was set to one side and she flipped through for 10 mins one day. I have tried getting her to a CBT therapist and even paid for it, she attended 2 times and said she didn't need it.
our sex life is non existent and when it does happen its hollow and i feel her hearts not in it. i actually have to tell her now im feeling crap and don't want the fights and feel pretty much like im being used now.
im not looking her to throw a switch and do a 180, nor am i looking perfection, all i want is to feel that she appreciates what i do and to just take one step at a time forward to fight this beast and get it under control before it breaks me and i walk away knowing im leaving the best damn thing i ever had for all the wrong bloody reasons, we don't even have an serious issue to fight over and what we do fight about is stupid.

signing off now but I really could do with pointers or help in how to work with this, saying things like "im there for you" etc helps sometimes but more often than not all she wants is a fight then me to come to her when she feels exhausted and be all nice and fix it. when in reality id sooner run a mile and be done with the damn attitude for good.

thanks in advance
Jeff

[Victoria'smom]

apparently it can be normal for the meds to leave a person detached this is not true I will answer the rest of your post tomorrow when I'm on my lap top.

[jeff200sx]

Any help? Another two days of fighting, ups and downs. Hard work.

[Victoria'smom]

Right first off I've never done anything like this but Im at wits end with my fiances depression and don't know what to do other than leave which i REALLY dont want to do. After typing all that i realize a lot of it is a bit of a rant as im quite annoyed right now but i think the bones are all there and you guys can read between the lines and ask questions for anything that's not making sense and ill clarify it. I'm sorry that it has come to posting here but I'm glad your here.

This all started just over a year ago I guess, Tina is a total stress head and lets everything get on top of her, then it all comes out in a screaming match directed at me. I fight back and then its all out of hands and everyone feels crap. this went on and on with me ultimately feeling that she's just a bad person and i should get out.*

Then Tina went to the doctor and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and put onto citlopram ( sp? ) and it got REALLY tough for a while Was it a psychiatrist that she went to? If not please get her to a psychiatrist because they specialize in mental health.

she was like an ice block inside devoid of feelings even when i was crying uncontrollably with the pain she was putting us through shed just look at me and say " i cant deal with this right now " and walk of and leave me to it. apparently it can be normal for the meds to leave a person detached etc so i kinda got over it and moved on and for a while things were OK-ish, by that i mean good days and bad but better than before.* This screams over medicated to me.

every day is a constant struggle for me inside to try and forget whatever happened yesterday and look forward to Tina coming home from work and pray that tonight will be a good night for us, usually its not.

I KNOW and UNDERSTAND from reading about this loads that she is unable to see the good things most of the time and that any bump in the road is a mountain to her to get over but how the hell am i ment to help if 99% for this things are coming from a really bad attitude inside her. I think this is the hardest thing for people to understand. You can't help, it's her innerdemon you can do is show her you love her, unconditionally and help physically take care of her. We have romance cards that we use as little ideas of sweet things to do for each other. No matter our mood we switch off weekly to let the other know we're at least trying.

I suppose in many ways im on here chatting cos its got me totally messed up but i want to help her more than me, im strong and driven and offer Tina way more support than i should be its spending me up from the inside out and im running out of fuel fast. Does she have any outside support? It may be time to look at intensive out patient services.

To me it seems she has slipped into a truly dark place and all that's left of her is a bad attitude and utter selfishness, its fine when im giving support and trying so damned hard and im the best in the world when i rub her neck and stroke her hair while shes crying and getting her all patched up again but when it comes to her putting effort into us and trying to keep stepping forward its world war 3 and im enemy number 1. god help me when i actually do put my foot out of line that usually has her off to her mums for a few days with me left feeling like a bag of crap. There seems to be other things going on also. You may want to look at the Borderline Personality Board or try reading 'Walking on egg shells'

her main issues and triggers are
Work stress*- Have you looked into jobs she would like better. Ie. 'You like x,y,z this career sounds like you may enjoy it better
study*- What is she studying for?

Our dog*- Can her and Archie take obedience classes with the money that your saving from shopping.
house in a mess*- Have you looked into a system like flylady? That way you can help keep on top of it. Remember for a depressed person showering is a feat compared to you dragging a car 100 meters.
Me*- You have to try taking care of yourself and yes that may mean leaving her.

now for the real Tina, I have never came across someone so deep and caring and happy all the time, we used to do so much together and she was nice and settled and wanting to move on in life. i was her rock when she felt down and someone she always came to for talks and comfort. Our sex-life was amazing. She made time for just us and told me all the time how much she loved me and we were soul-mates. I felt like her number 1 and we were AMAZING together. Yes, that's how much mental illness can suck out of you.

I love her, heart and soul and pour everything i have into trying to help her out of this, I have been reading books, even the stuff the doctor gave her to read that was set to one side and she flipped through for 10 mins one day.

I have tried getting her to a CBT therapist and even paid for it, she attended 2 times and said she didn't need it. Therapy is hard either you click with someone or you don't. Imagine meeting someone and having to decide in a couple of hours if you trust them with your life. You need to click fast with them or trust their experience almost at once.

our sex life is non existent and when it does happen its hollow and i feel her hearts not in it. i actually have to tell her now im feeling crap and don't want the fights and feel pretty much like im being used now. It could be the meds or it could be she's dissociating because she's essentially raping herself because she knows sex is important to a relationship and loves you.

im not looking her to throw a switch and do a 180, nor am i looking perfection, all i want is to feel that she appreciates what i do and to just take one step at a time forward to fight this beast and get it under control before it breaks me and i walk away knowing im leaving the best damn thing i ever had for all the wrong bloody reasons, we don't even have an serious issue to fight over and what we do fight about is stupid. With the right support she can have herself mostly back but there will be slips. Take care of yourself first. Exercise, eating decent and therapy.

I'm sorry this wasn't what you wanted.