[Stellas_Mom]

I guess a little background first. My father is a narcissist this I am sure as he was overly concerned with his looks, money, control and status. He is in his late 70's and has parkinsons and he has allowed his equally narcissist brother become POA over him. With that said my mother decided to finally divorce him as she finally realized he was going to leave her as penniless as he could. I have not talked to my father in over 3 years since Mothers Day when he told me I was his greatest disappointment. Since then I have moved my mother also in her 70's with me and helped her with the divorce. I only requested two things of my mother that she save her money by not "giving" it away to family "in need" and no bring home junk her customer's give her as this is how her home became a hoarders paradise.

Since moving in, in April she has done both those things cluttering my house with junk and bringing in items in bulk that are not needed. I have discussed it with her several times but she uses the excuse that my generation is the "throw away" generation and we don't value anything. Or she will state they wanted her to have their great grandmothers vase or whatever (mind you they have children to give these items too.) My sister and I have helped pay her expenses only to find out she is sending money to her brothers as they "need help". I don't know how to make her understand she has no idea how things will end, or what will happen in the future although she is great health now it only takes a second for something bad to happen and she needs full time medical care. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. (And telling her to move out is not an option as she can't afford it).

[Skeezyks]

Hello Stellas_Mom: I'm sorry you are faced with this difficult situation. I don't believe I have any particularly useful suggestions for you here. But I saw no one had replied to your post. So I thought I would. (By the way I'm 68.)

Personally I doubt there is any way to make your mother understand the potential consequences of what she's doing. She's had many years to become the person she is. And I do think, based on my own experience as an aging person, we do tend to become more intransigent as we get older. At least that is true for me. The older I get the more cantankerous I become.

I know you wrote that telling your mother to move out is not an option. So I won't suggest that. As a result, however, the reality of this situation may be that all you can do is insulate yourself, as much as possible, from the effects of the things your mother is doing. I presume there is no basis upon which to become your mother's conservator, so that you or your sister have control of her money.

The only other thing that occurs to me is if there is someone, not within the family, whom she would trust & perhaps listen to... say a clergyperson, if she happens to be religious & a member of a religious congregation of one sort or another. She might be at least a tiny bit more inclined to listen to someone closer to her own age, or someone in some sort of position she respects, than she is to listen to you or your sister. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I wish you well...

[eskielover]

Since it is your house you can tell her that anything she brings in will be given away PERIOD!!!!

As for giving her money away, as long as there is no way to have a reason for a conservator which is next to impossible from personal experience. It is her problem but you won't have to actually support her if she runs out of money as Medicaid will be your source of care for her. Ask her if that is what she wants for herself. If she owns nothing & has no money, that is the level of care she will qualify for. It is her choice & in reality there is nothing you can do about that.

Like Adult Protective Services told me about my husband after I left him & he proved to be totally financially irresponsible....let the house go into foreclosure before getting a loan modification then couldn't pay that on time & had over $1000 in overdraft fees when I was finally able to close the joint account after getting the IRS paid off....they said as long as he can think, if he makes bad choices that's his problem....it's mine too because of how it effects MY credit with my name still on the house loan....but there is nothing that can be done until they are deemed mentally incompetent.