[empty 001]

First of all, I would like to start by saying the same thing everyone else says...our relationship was perfect. My bf was the most loving, adorable, most perfect boyfriend ever. He used to call me his princess, we fell in love very quickly last summer and we had the most amazing time. He was very affectionate and also waited 4 months for me to come back from travelling so that we could be together. During our relationship, I knew there were signs of a broken person. He had a very very difficult childhood. His mum abandoned him when he was very young and left him with an alcoholic father who used to beat him up all the time, he was later on taken away by social services and was pushed into a life where he had no choice but do some bad things like drugs, or stealing from cars etc. His dad died when he was 19years and he never got to speak to him before he died after being taken away by social services. His only constant support was his grandma who he calls the most important person in his life. As i said, during our relationship, everything was perfect. He used to call me his future wife, would do everything for me, and treat me like a princess. He used to fantasize about being together forever and used to send me all these random texts to always let me know that i was his everything and that with me in his life, he feels that he finally has something to loose, feels complete and content. he said it so many times that he cannot wait to have our kids and get married and settle down and travel together. He was very excited to be with me everyday until the very last day he broke up.

Last december his grandma was diagnosed with cancer and he took it very badly. As i said, his grandma is his life and so i suggested that we go and visit her in the UK. Everything went fine. He looked very happy and was looking forward to showing me the childhood area where he grew up and told his grandma that I was ‘the one’ etc. A week later when we got back home we had an argument because I asked him to start saving and start driving and he took it very badly saying that if i want someone perfect, i can go look for someone else. I reassured him that it nothing major and we sorted things out. 2 days later he woke me up @2am and said that we needed to talk and said that he feels numb and doesnt want to be with me anymore. He said that he talked to his friends and thinks that this might be the biggest mistake of his life, but he doesnt want to be with me anymore. I was obviously crushed. Out of shock, i immediately grabbed my things and left the house and told him to think about it. 2 days later i found out that he had contacted this girl (who is in a serious relationship btw) and started flirting with her. He later admitted that he s playing a game, that he doesnt want anyone, that she s keeping his mind off things and that he never played games with me, that everything was real with me. I also met him 3 days later and he was drunk and crying. He said that he is a bad person, that i dont deserve him. that he is a **** (sorry for my language) and that he hates everyone in his life except his grandma. He said that when his grandma dies, he will be a bad person and that i wouldnt want to be around him. he said that i was perfect, that everything we had was perfect, but he cannot deal with it. That i m too good for him coz he is a bad person and that i deserve to be with someone else. i tried to reassure him that i didnt care and that we can go through this together. He said that he loves me but is not in love with me, that he doesnt love anyone and that he feels numb. He feels angry, anxious and lost.

Some 3 weeks after he called me saying that he still wants me as a friend in his life coz i m one of the few people he can trust and that he thinks i m his soulmate. We went out to eat and he broke down .. crying!! .... at the table. He said that he acceepts that he cannot be happy. That he tried but he cant deal with his emotions. That he feels guilty and ashamed coz a lot of people have problems and they deal with them but he cant. He said that he wants to die and the only way that we could be together is if we leave the country and start again. I am still studying and therefore cannot do that. He said that he doesnt even want children because he doesnt want them to be tormeted by demons like him. he repeated all the things saying that he cannot be happy, that i am beautiful and i was perfect but he cannot have this. He doesnt want to be together. He said he is angry towards everyone, but he cannot be angry with me, because i bring out the best in him, but he cant be around me because he said that i dont deserve to have his problems and that i cannot handle them. I tried so many times to tell him that i ll be there and he appreciates that but doesnt even want me around.

Now .. a month after i heard that he has immersed himself in playing rugby. He contacts me every week or so to ask me how i am, but then doesnt reply back. Its been exactly 2 months now after he broke up. I still cry everyday and i feel empty. I suggested twice that he goes to see a counsellor but he refuses to do anything saying that nobody will understand. I do not know what to do! I believe in us. He looked in so much pain and i wanted to help him, but he doesnt even want to open up to me and i m not sure what he has. He might be depressed or maybe is he suffering from PTSD after visiting his grandma and he saw the place where all the bad things happened to him?..... but he still has the energy to go out with friends and play ruby 5 times a week! I would appreciate all the advice pleasee xxxx

[Travelinglady]

Hi, empty 001, and welcome to Psych Central! We aren't able to diagnose here, and all I know is what you have said. I know he treated you well and you were close to him, but seriously, as you say, he has had a terrible life--and he is damaged.

If he won't go into therapy (and even then), I honestly think it would be best to just let him go. Marrying somebody to try to "cure" them or help them get over their past, etc. is not a healthy base for a beginning. I suspect he has more than just depression. Maybe even a personality disorder? Yes, people with serious mental illnesses can marry, but it can be very, very difficult.

And could you give up having children? And agree to his other ideas?

You might want to talk to a counselor if you find you just can't let go. I know I am not telling you what you want to hear, but I am speaking out of care for you and your needs.

Maybe someone else will speak up now.

[empty 001]

hi i just wanted to keep you updated. first of all, thanks for replying.
so my ex contacts me every week on facebook. like short messages asking me how i am. i reply that i m ok and ask him if he is... but he sometimes doesnt reply or just says im fine. then one day ive decided that i ve had enough and deleted him from fb. i told him that i wanted to be in his life but not like this and he understood.
then last saturday I had this cold, sinking feeling in my stomach that something had happened to him.... like he got hurt or something like that... then on late saturday evening i receive a facebook msg from him (even though we're not friends on fb anymore) and he told me that he spent all the day in hospital sufferring from concussion due to rugby and he got taken away from the pitch by an ambulance. i couldnt believe it! psychic feelings?? hehhanyway we started chatting as if nothing has ever happened, then out of the blues he sent me a link to a song (spring to come - john butler) and he said that he listens to it all the time, that its his favourite song, that it reminds him of me and he loves everything about it. then he sent me another link (ocean - john butler) and he said that this expresses his feelings best when he feels sad, depressed and just him. we listened to it at the same time from our laptops simutaneously. the song is chaotic. i felt really sad that this is how he's feeling. he said that he listens to these two songs and another song Wicker chair - Kings of leon all the time and he feels like physically crying when he listens to them.
to be honest, i felt angry at that point. why is he telling me these things? he said that he wants to leave the country or else he might just go with the sweet relief of death. i feel like i m going crazy. its been more than 2 months. some days i feel really good, but other days.. like today... i feel like i just want to run to him an hug him and take all his pain away. i dont know if i keep romanticising this idea of him, because i dont know whether he feels the same way. i'm just so tired

[SunnyMills]

I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. You can't change him and as was said above, you can't fix him... but I'm a firm believer in a little distance and a little time. Maybe after he's dealt with whatever this is. you could go back to more than friends. Maybe by then, you won't want to. You never know. In the meantime though, I'd seek a counselor to explore your feelings with. Good luck to you.

[empty 001]

thanks for your reply. i finally had the courage to go and get my things from his place and told him everything that ive been wanting to tell him for the past 2 months.

i thanked him for breaking up with me coz it wouldve never worked, and immediately his eyes filled up with tears, although he didnt really cry, but i could see his teary eyes all the time. i told him that i dont deserve this because i love myself and he doesnt and that i deserve someone who could love me as much as he loved himself. and he agreed. i said if he cant love himself, he can never love me and that if he could replace me so easily then it wasnt worth my time, and he shrugged. (he is currently meeting secretly with a girl who is engaged, and he seems to be falling hard for her, although he says that its a game). i told him that he needs to sort his things out and not keep on escaping because it will catch up on him again. he said that he s fine, that this happens to him every now and then that he's depressed. i told him that i was promised so many things by him and that , that's why it was so difficult for me. he said that he was never unhappy with me and that he meant everything at the time and then he doesnt know what happened to him. i told him that the sad thing is that i really loved him. that this meant a lot for me. he said that he knew and that he's sorry coz he could see that i invested so much in the relationship and that was gonna end up hurting me in someway or another.

i told him that he lost someone who really loved him, and with regards to me, i dont know exactly what i ve lost. ..(and here i seriously thought he was gonna cry). he kept saying he s fine now. i said that if he fights for himself as much as he fights on the rugby pitch, he d do so much better in life. but he doesnt fight for himself and therefore he could never fight for me. and he kept agreeing sadly. i told him that when i look at him i dont see his past, i just see so much potential and that it seems like he wants to stay stuck like this.
then we chatted a bit about normal stuff. i told him that i am ok and that i m ready to start living my life and dreaming again. then we hugged and he was sort of trembling and before i left he said: we will meet again. and i replied: yeah, when you love yourself.... and left straight away.


he doesnt trust himself to love me, because he knows that i m genuine, and i know that in me he finds peace, therefore he couldnt handle all the love that i showed him. because i gave everything for this relationship. but then, how can he do this and start a fling again? i cant even stop myself from snapping at any guy who gives me a compliment.

when hearts break, they dont break even.... it sucks being on this side of the game
i'm really sad that it ended like this. it felt sad looking at that adorable face, bright blue eyes, so beautiful in every way, knowing that he was once mine. :/

[Travelinglady]

Let's hope he will get treatment and get better over time. I do think you did the right thing, although it is sad.

Please keep in touch. I think there's something good in your future.