[butterflyflies]

hi, i'm new here and i need help. i believe i'm in a relationship with an NPD who might be delusional/paranoid. i've done the research, and i'm fairly sure that's what he is, to what degree? i don't know. i feel our relationship is also emotionally abusive and for my own sanity's sake it needs to end before any more terrible things happen.
i lied to him 1 1/2 years ago, back when we were friends, and in the course of things we found we had feelings for each other and decided to be together. however, he doesn't trust me for anything. i have tried to show him i'm not a liar and have tried to earn his trust again, but things just keep getting worse. i've been called every horrid, derogatory name in the book, and we've gotten physical with one another. he is constantly accusing me of cheating on him, asking me who i've got lined up after him, has asked me if i am or have ever been a prostitute. he thinks i record our conversations, that i've got cameras in his apartment and in my apartment. these are crazy thoughts and then i'm the one that gets called crazy!
he feels entitled to say and do whatever he wants, b/c i'm the one that lied and i have to make it up to him. but i can't handle it anymore. he makes me feel like i'm crazy, disregards my feelings, completely ignores anything i say. i have begged him, pleaded with him to leave me, to break up with me and he won't. i've told him to leave me alone, to never call me again (even tried blocking his number, to only have him show up at my house). he refuses to accept the breakup. the other day i told him that one day he'll come to my place and it'll be empty, and the look of sheer panic and fear on his face is one i've never seen before. he started crying and begging me not to leave, that we'll go to couple's therapy etc. of course, now, he's telling me that i'm the one that needs help, that i should go to talk to someone. he's not happy with that either though, he's convinced that they'll just brainwash me into breaking up with him. i know if i could ever get him to go to couples therapy, he'll just lie about everything, so it's completely worthless.
i'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, there has been so much that has happened, we'd be here til next week if i tried to explain it all. believe me when i say i'm in a living hell. please help me, how do i leave this relationship?

He'll never forgive you. That particular task is hopeless.

Now of course the obvious way is to go no contact which is what you've tried to do only to have him pretty much stalk you.

Is moving an actual possibility? That's probably the best way.

I don't know the rules on how extreme a person must be in your area but could you get a court order to keep him away? (Although there is a good chance he won't obey it anyway.)

When he comes by your house do you think he would become aggressive if you were to ignore him?

[NPDtarget4life]

Butterflies,
Plz listen to everything I have to say. First of all, you are not crazy & every single thing you said makes complete sense. The only person who could not understand you, is one who has NOT had the misfortune to cross the path of or be suckered into a relationship with someone with NPD.
The second thing I want to say, is getting out of this situation is going to be so much more difficult for you than it is to be right where you are now. I am in no way trying to instill even more fear than you already have. You need to be educated on this personality disorder before you do anything else. These people are DANGEROUS. They are smart and master manipulators, and will stop at nothing to harm you (AND YOUR FAMILY, FRIENDS, RELATIONSHIPS, YOUR JOB, FINANCIAL DISPOSITION, YOUR REPUTATION, ETC), Which leads me to the third AND MOST CRUCIAL thing you need to understand and know. These people thrive on being in control; on being smarter and better than every other person on the planet; on having the ability to represent themselves as someone they are not, to the point that they can manipulate any person, situation, or event to gain or maintain control, financial gains, social status, or anything they want. They are conniving and every move they make is calculated. THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING YOU CAN DO THAT WILL IN EFFECT BE THE DEMISE OF YOURSELF,
IS TO COUNTER THEM IN ANY FORM OR FASHION &/OR TO EXPOSE ANY PART OF THEIR TRUE CHARACTER; THEIR DECEPTIONS, OR MANIPULATIONS, OR ANYTHING THAT MIGHT OFFER ANY AMOUNT OF CLARITY TO ANYONE OR ANY SITUATION THAT THEY HAVE INVOLVEMENT WITH. The second you attempt this, you will have sealed your fate with this man for the rest of your life. And there isn't a single person, regardless of age, gender, familial relation, etc., that he will not use as a tool to aid in his attacks against you(willing or unwilling), or that is immune to his brainwashing abilities. He will stop at nothing to accomplish his goal of causing you pain, and that goal, in his eyes, will never be accomplished. Search narcissistic personality disorder on youtube. There, is where you will find the help you need. Because the first thing you MUST arm yourself with, is understanding the way these people work. You will never be able to understand why or how they can do the EVIL things they do, and that's because you are not mentally unstable as they are. So don't waste your time trying. Just arm yourself with the knowledge of knowing what NOT TO DO first. Because once you make the tiniest of mistakes, that's it. There's no going back and fixing it. You'll be looking over your shoulder and defending yourself literally for the rest of your life. I BEG YOU, BUTTERFLIES, TO LISTEN TO EVERYTHING I SAID AND HEED MY WARNING. I'm praying for you...

Originally Posted by butterflyflies

hi, i'm new here and i need help. i believe i'm in a relationship with an NPD who might be delusional/paranoid. i've done the research, and i'm fairly sure that's what he is, to what degree? i don't know. i feel our relationship is also emotionally abusive and for my own sanity's sake it needs to end before any more terrible things happen.
i lied to him 1 1/2 years ago, back when we were friends, and in the course of things we found we had feelings for each other and decided to be together. however, he doesn't trust me for anything. i have tried to show him i'm not a liar and have tried to earn his trust again, but things just keep getting worse. i've been called every horrid, derogatory name in the book, and we've gotten physical with one another. he is constantly accusing me of cheating on him, asking me who i've got lined up after him, has asked me if i am or have ever been a prostitute. he thinks i record our conversations, that i've got cameras in his apartment and in my apartment. these are crazy thoughts and then i'm the one that gets called crazy!
he feels entitled to say and do whatever he wants, b/c i'm the one that lied and i have to make it up to him. but i can't handle it anymore. he makes me feel like i'm crazy, disregards my feelings, completely ignores anything i say. i have begged him, pleaded with him to leave me, to break up with me and he won't. i've told him to leave me alone, to never call me again (even tried blocking his number, to only have him show up at my house). he refuses to accept the breakup. the other day i told him that one day he'll come to my place and it'll be empty, and the look of sheer panic and fear on his face is one i've never seen before. he started crying and begging me not to leave, that we'll go to couple's therapy etc. of course, now, he's telling me that i'm the one that needs help, that i should go to talk to someone. he's not happy with that either though, he's convinced that they'll just brainwash me into breaking up with him. i know if i could ever get him to go to couples therapy, he'll just lie about everything, so it's completely worthless.
i'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, there has been so much that has happened, we'd be here til next week if i tried to explain it all. believe me when i say i'm in a living hell. please help me, how do i leave this relationship?[/COLOR]

[butterflyflies]

Thank you for the responses. I haven't had the chance to get back until now.
melyssaliberty, do you have any specifics on what not to do when leaving? I can't go to youtube and search for it, it comes up in searches and then stupid youtube wants to recommend videos based on what I've watched, I can't run the risk of having that come up when I'm with him. Or maybe some websites? I've been researching as I can, but everything I read just says to leave, no contact, move to a new place etc. I've tried the no contact, in fact did that on Sunday, he was starting up again with his accusations (me having sex with people who knows/works with, who did I go out with 4 years ago when I was single, where did I go last May (no where!) He's convinced I'm lying to him about anything and everything.) I got tired of it and told him not to contact me, I was at work. He left me alone for the rest of the day, but sure enough, Monday late morning I got a call from him saying he is really sick, something is wrong with his kidneys (hoovering! and I believe he's a hypochondriac. He knows better than any doctor). So I got sucked in again, nothing was wrong with him and he hijacked my entire day. Which, I get frustrated b/cI had work to do (I am a freelancer and work from home) and mention it to him, he then gets upset and says, "no one told you to stay this long, you chose to". He has worked the past few days (he's a freelancer too, makes great money, so he doesn't work everyday) and it's been blissful to be at home, by myself.
Then yesterday morning, he comments how sorry he is that our situation (me lying to him 2 years ago about stupid stuff-when we were NOT together, just friends) that our situation has gotten the best of him, he doesn't like who he's become or who I've become b/c of it. (I'm a shell of my former self, no one understands who I am anymore), Then he mentions that some day we may not talk anymore. I know what he's doing, he's fishing for my response. I didn't have one. Maybe he's getting to the end of this? But I know the cycle, this won't end here. I'll get sucked right back in the minute he has a day off.
How do I not get sucked back in? What are those things that I shouldn't do melyssaliberty? Please help me?!? I don't want to make horrible mistakes that forever tie me to this person, I've already done that, I don't need more scars (emotional or physical!). Tell me what NOT TO DO!!!

[waiting4]

these are helpful:

http://health.groups.yahoo. com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4976

http://health.groups.yahoo. com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/5013

There are more but these can be read and are not in youtube form. Btw..there is NO space between yahoo.com...not sure if I can post a link here but I do think these articles are helpful, and actually S. Vaknin sent them to me after I had questions.

Good luck

Feel free to message me..I think if you're on my 'friends' list I can post these to you privately.

[butterflyflies]

thank you waiting4, those are very helpful.
i guess the whole no contact rule is just that, no contact what so ever. i'm just having a difficult time holding to that myself. i just keep hoping that he gets the idea, although ive told him over and over that i want to break up, and he just goes away. i don't know if that's going to happen.
i'm so confused. i know i want this over. i know i can't continue to do this anymore. i'm stuck though b/c i don't have a friend in the world anymore, they've all gone b/c they didn't want to be a part of "this" anymore. so now, i've got no one, no one but him. so, i'm extremely traumatized, extremely lonely, and need someone to talk to, hang out with and someone to go to when i feel weak (like now when i want to call/text him). ugh. i've gotten myself into such a place that i feel like i can't get out.
thanks again for the links.

He already "gets the idea" he just doesn't care and while ever you keep giving him a chance he's just going to keep coming back.

You can always come chat to us if you're lonely and once he's gone there's a good chance you can get your life back on track.

Don't let him hold you back anymore.

[butterflyflies]

thank you BeteNoire for your response. of course he gets it! but he absolutely rejects the break up! i have to go no contact, but it seems like an impossibility. i blocked him off my phone, erased all texts, locked my windows and doors. he was outside for what seemed like an eternity knocking, pleading to talk with me for "just 5 minutes". my neighbors were starting to wonder what 's going on. he went from front door, to back door, to front again. i pretended i wasn't home, but my car was out front. i'm thinking i will have to park a few blocks away from my house so he wouldn't see my car. (what a pain, i have a broken leg).
i even asked him, "why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?" he said "you want to be with me, you're just angry right now. you love me". i've spent the past 3 days in hell again!
i think he's paranoid delusional too (or however it's stated) but he's crazy. i want off the crazy train, and now i'm looking up escape plans, looking for a new place to live (although i just moved to my place 4 months ago). I don't have a support system, my family doesn't get why i don't just leave him.
(oh, side note: SCARY thing he did yesterday, then down played it: at his house, after a sleepless night filled with accusations, once i finally got to sleep in the morning, he woke me up, he was standing over me and saying "you know, people die in these situations"(he might of said "...and go missing", but the i was so caught off guard and couldn't believe what i heard, i couldn't focus on the rest) i asked him what he said and he repeated it. People die (and go missing?) in these situations. omg. he later "tried to clarify" that he meant when people are betrayed (I lied to him when we were friends about stupid **** 2 years ago) they end up going crazy and killing people, so all in all he feels he's handled it pretty well. (nevermind the verbal, emotional, physical abuse, the almost daily name calling-that even now he wants to tell me i deserve. but yeah, he's handled it well :/ )
I was a little frightened before, but now....
i need to get the eff away from here
how to make the escape now
again, thanks for listening

[daBluman]

Originally Posted by butterflyflies

.........
(oh, side note: SCARY thing he did yesterday, then down played it: at his house, after a sleepless night filled with accusations, once i finally got to sleep in the morning, he woke me up, he was standing over me and saying "you know, people die in these situations"(he might of said "...and go missing", but the i was so caught off guard and couldn't believe what i heard, i couldn't focus on the rest) i asked him what he said and he repeated it..

again, thanks for listening

As a Non BPD person I understand how you must feel. I am under preparations to go no contact in the future. You need to leave and not telegraph that is what you are going to do. How is up to you. Understand that it takes time to make the right preparations, setting aside money and deciding to take only necessities. I would highly recommend contacting WEAVE in your area. They will have the skills and resources for you to get out from under his thumb. County victim assistance is also a good resource.
Good luck.

Moving is a pain but it does look like the only option. Juts remember to try and keep where you've moved to as secret as possible. You don't want him finding you again.

In the mean time in an effort to keep yourself safe could you possibly explain to any one that he hasn't isolated you from that you fear for your life and ask them to stay? Or maybe that you could stay with them? (The broken leg may help with that if you don't want to explain the truth. Broken legs are freaking hard to live with, especially when you're on your own.)

Perhaps you could let a neighbor know and ask them to call the police if they see him?

I'm sorry I can't be much help. Mine was long distance so I've never had to worry about any sort of stalking behavior.

Stay safe butterflyflies. I hope you can find some peace at the end of this.

[butterflyflies]

***TRIGGER WARNING***

i am here now because i feel like i have to document what just happened. i took a shower earlier so there wouldn't be any problems as to why i'm not ready when he gets off of work. altho he never tells me what time he's done. he then insists that it's very curious that i took a shower early. in text i explained to him why i showered, so i'd be ready. then when he calls me, he asks again-i explain to him again that it was to avoid an issue that i wasn't ready. then i explain it one more time. 3 times now and i get frustrated and i told him to deal with it. i showered early to avoid an argument, which ironically created an argument. turned into a huge deal. he asked to spend the night at my house, which i initially said yes (although i didn't want him to). he then said he's going to pick me up, take me to his house so he can pick up his things, then come back to my house. i told him no, i didn't want to. he can just do that on his own. we went back and forth, i told him to stop telling me what to do. he flipped out. he threatened to do major property damage, and to crack my skull open. then he denied saying that. he said he didn't say it, then he said he would never hurt me. next thing i know, he's knocking on my door. of course my gut's telling me not to open the door. for what seemed like forever, knocking on my front door, back door, front door. telling me just to open the door for 1 minute, 5 minutes, 2 minutes. i held strong for a minute. i opened the door, but the chain lock was still on it, he looked so angry, he tried to reach around to open it, but of course he couldn't. more begging and pleading. STUPID ME, i finally opened the door. i knew i shouldn't have. he went from begging and pleading to angry with his finger in my face yelling at me. i just kept telling him to leave my house. i dialed 911 twice, only to hang up. i hoped they would reverse dial me but the call never made it through. he smacked my phone out of my hand, i hit his hand with my crutch. i told him to give it back, he put it in his pocket. i was yelling that i hoped my neighbors would call the cops. but they didn't. he said the cops would not do anything anyway, because i let him in my house. i told him he was trespassing at this point. he took my phone and tried to hide it from me so i can't call anyone. he insisted that i had another c**k lined up. he wanted to go to the bar down the street and prove that his coworker/friend that i had been "banging" is in there and he just ran out the back door of my house-TOTALLY UNTRUE. i've never cheated on him, I've never cheated on anyone ever. he's completely paranoid delusional. he yells at me that i'm putting on a show, asks where the cameras are hidden, where i'm recording this whole thing. then he yells that i'm schizophrenic and i've created this entire argument. he said that i'm the one that pushed this whole thing this far on purpose, he's trying to calm me down and that he loves me and i'm out of control. he says this is all some power move and that i'm trying to control the situation with this. he said he should call the cops and they'll take me away because i'm crazy. i told him i will get a restraining order. but he yelled at me saying his going to get one on me. i told him to go, no problem. i intend on staying away from him. i'm terrified at this point, he's going back and forth between trying to hug me and kiss me to sticking his finger in my face yelling at me. i was so scared he was going to deck me. (it's happened before) i just kept telling him to leave, leave leave. he went crazy. i managed to get the front door open, so anyone can see in, but somehow he got it closed, then locked it. i truly got so scared. he told me before that, if i ever dated anyone, he is going to break their legs. that if I EVER end up with anyone, he is going to hurt them. at this point, door locked, i was willing to take a hit just so he'd leave. he told me that we just need to fix this, we can fix this (our trust issues b/c i lied to him almost 2 years ago before we started dating), that he's going to find a counselor tomorrow while he's at work so we can start working on this right away. i told him now, he needs to leave, it's not fixable, i don't love him and that i want out. why does he want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with him. he said we'd been through too much to break it off now, i said i didn't care. he kept wanting me to hug him, and "mean it" before he left, he wanted me to kiss him, before he left. i just tried so hard to keep my crutches in between us. i finally broke down sobbing, heaving telling him to leave. he called me an actress. he took a step out and i tried to slam the door, but he put his foot there, then came back inside. it seemed like this was happening forever. he finally got out and i slammed the door shut, locked all 3 locks and sat sobbing in the dark.
i've looked up local domestic violence shelters. wondering if i should notify the cops. i have read so much about NPD, and not because i care about him anymore, more so to understand what i'm up against. so much has said about how N's tend to move on quickly to a new supply, i wonder how quickly that would happen. i can't afford to move, i have no one to come stay with me. i feel totally trapped. he has a very distinctive sounding truck, i can hear it a block away, and now i'm scared and my senses are heightened. i work out of my home, owning my own business and i don't feel like i can leave my belongings here, they are my livelihood, he's threatened physical violence, i'm afraid something will happen to my car, or my work stuff. without it i have no way of making a living. i'm trying to figure out an escape plan.
i can't believe i've let it happen again. i've blocked his number, only responded to one text, that i need some time. haven't responded to anything since.
i need to do something now.
if you read this, thank you. it's meant to document what happened, i should have done this a long time ago, there's so much, he would be doing jail time.
i can't believe i've let this happen. i've had a normal childhood, i was never abused, never had anything bad happen to me (oh, which he insists that there has. he is so sure of it. he yelled it at me again tonight). my parents are still together, no emotional abuse, physical abuse, my dad has NEVER called my mom a ***** for ANY reason. so why the eff am i allowing this to happen?
i guess that's another forum.
thanks.

[waiting4]

Right now, you need to GET the restraining order, you need to call the cops if he comes over again, as soon as he gets to your house...do NOT let him in the house for ANY reason. Period. He is well past NPD, my dear...well past. Mine could be an *** but he was NEVER that kinda violent. I think you're looking at more an ASPD....or sociopath, for that matter.

I understand you are afraid to leave your house, and you are right, to form a plan. Just remember....do NOT let him in your house. And be sure to get the restraining order so you can tresspass him. BTW, if he comes on your property even without the restraining order, you can call the cops and have him tresspassed right then.

Take care and be careful.

[butterflyflies]

thanks waiting4. i appreciate you reading it. i saw him drive by my house earlier (at 1:30pm), and i'm pretty sure i've heard his truck quite a few times today since. i've been re-reading a great book called The Gift of Fear, a book about how to listen to your intuition regarding violence, violent people and traumatic events. there's a whole section on intimate partners. i have read this book a dozen times, have had it for over 15 years, and this is truly the first time it's applied to me. i nod as i read that chapter now. ugh. so today, i've laid low. no texts from him. not sure if he's called, i blocked his number. so, i'm trying to get through day 1 of no contact. it's going to be a rough couple of weeks. i've read they don't go quietly.
Oh, and I AM ABSOLUTELY NOT OPENING THE DOOR!

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by butterflyflies

thanks waiting4. i appreciate you reading it. i saw him drive by my house earlier (at 1:30pm), and i'm pretty sure i've heard his truck quite a few times today since. i've been re-reading a great book called The Gift of Fear, a book about how to listen to your intuition regarding violence, violent people and traumatic events. there's a whole section on intimate partners. i have read this book a dozen times, have had it for over 15 years, and this is truly the first time it's applied to me. i nod as i read that chapter now. ugh. so today, i've laid low. no texts from him. not sure if he's called, i blocked his number. so, i'm trying to get through day 1 of no contact. it's going to be a rough couple of weeks. i've read they don't go quietly.
Oh, and I AM ABSOLUTELY NOT OPENING THE DOOR!

No, they don't go quietly. They weedle and beg and plead and sometimes cry. And when you make the mistake of believing them, and open the door, they kick you somewhere they know won't show, like your leg, or hip or top of your head...my step-father was good for that. Beat my brother nearly senseless with a helmet when he was 14.

It's good you're not opening the door. But just be sure to follow thru with the restraining order and if he steps one foot on your property, call 911 and tell them you are in fear of your life. They will come and 'trespass' him immediately. Then if he comes back, he goes to jail. Unless he nuts up right then and they take him, right then.

Just be careful. I worry for you.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by butterflyflies

thanks waiting4. i appreciate you reading it. i saw him drive by my house earlier (at 1:30pm), and i'm pretty sure i've heard his truck quite a few times today since. i've been re-reading a great book called The Gift of Fear, a book about how to listen to your intuition regarding violence, violent people and traumatic events. there's a whole section on intimate partners. i have read this book a dozen times, have had it for over 15 years, and this is truly the first time it's applied to me. i nod as i read that chapter now. ugh. so today, i've laid low. no texts from him. not sure if he's called, i blocked his number. so, i'm trying to get through day 1 of no contact. it's going to be a rough couple of weeks. i've read they don't go quietly.
Oh, and I AM ABSOLUTELY NOT OPENING THE DOOR!

The book is a good one. You need to listen to your fear. I have lived with domestic violence as well. Please be aware that the most dangerous time for a battered woman is when the abuser realizes she is attempting to leave. You seriously need to go to a domestic violence shelter and if you have not already filed a restraining order they can help you do so. The shelter even paid for an attorney to go with me to court when I filed my restraining order.

Perhaps you have seen this wheel of control. Click on it to make it larger to read easier. I read a lot of those behaviors in your posts. If you want to talk PM me.

[JackBlack]

Butterflyflies, you talk about needing to take a shower and you're unsure when to take it. I'm not sure how to take this. Is it that he is interested in your daily regin one or is this more of a concern for hygiene? In a big way your writing sounds like my Mother when she recognized as a child that I perspires and didn't want to bath every day. I'm just curious as if he has a problem with your hygiene then he needs to accept the fact that you're a full grown women and there is no changing people after a certain age. He should either accept it or go.. There's no in between!!

[~Christina]

This Thread goes back to May ..I hope the Op was able to get away safely.