[wyrmhaven]

Sorry, wrote another book.
Please read my introduction for additional information.

I am posting here today because i am trying to find a direction to move in, in helping my wife. My biggest problem is trying to figure out where to start in trying to explain what it is we are trying to overcome. Whoever reads this and chooses to respond, before asking questions please take a moment to read my introduction. This whole mess is so convoluted and complex that it can be sureal.
Also please note that i have a lot of personal experience with depression and it's effects, tricks, etc as i have been dealing with depression (without medications, thank you very much.) all of my adult life and have been suicidal before. Also note that from the age of about 15 to sometime in my mid twenties, i was quazy suicidal 24x7. by this i mean that i didn't activly seek death by drugs, gun, or the blade. BUT; if i was told i had cancer and would die soon, that would have made me very happy. if a truck came down the road and was going to hit me i would have stood there and waited patiently to die. yes i know all about the bottom end of that spectrum all to well. and if i can, i will reach out to others to help them walk away from that line. i understand now that there is a reason to be here. I promise not to preach as most people at that point really don't want a bible thumped at them as it often makes them feel more guilty which can make the situation worse.
As a side note I would like to assure people that sometimes i can write very well and convay imagery that just may seem to wild to be real. I Promise you that all i state here will be as honest as i can be given that this is all from my personal perspective. That said, ask a policeman that has had to interview several people who witnessed the same crime I will always try to take an objective aproach to describing and explaining but i am very well aware that i have a stake in my wife's wellness and am therefore biased.
Personality Changes:
Pre-Wreck:
Active, going to grandmother's house everyother day (after my grandfather passed away) but trying to find a way to cut it back so that she can focus on home, etc. Overall happy but stressed as well. Charitable, and able to point out the good in most if not all people. Can bounce back from small setbacks, medium setbacks cause some more stress, but as stated before we are already under alot of stress. Major setbacks spark anger and frustration but this is normally just a blow up, then ready to try and deal with the situation. Always on the phone, or talking to someone. She has been the best freind to anyone she decides that she cares about, calling, talking, being there for them, sending money or whatever it takes to help them. Sometimes overly generous but that is just the person she is, a good kind soul. She had a deep personal and intuitive relationship with God. She had told me on more than one occasion that she didn't understand people because she was just born with an inate sense of what was right and wrong. She couldn't explain it, it was always there and somehow she just "knew" what was wrong. Now at times of extreme stress she would blow up and give God the "Why Me?" stuff and maybe ask if He was testing her to destruction but that was always pretty short term. We have 9 dogs (now, we have lost a couple over the past few years) 2 cats, and a goose (yes we have a goose, we got her for our pond but ... well that's another story, just another learning experience that is.) She loves all of them and does her best to give them all the attention they need. She was a charter member of the Humain society here for our town and wrote their charter, etc. most of our babies are rescued animals or strays picked up after finding them dumped.
Post-wreck:
Is very difficult now to get her out of the house, isn't impossible but still is hard. and during her dark periods (i will try to explain later.) it is nearly impossible to get her out of bed. Mostly is depressed, more apt to see only in black and white and even the white is jaded. Last night she made a comment that full emphisises this change: "No one does any good anymore unless there is something in it for them." OK so i'm guilty here i have a vested intrest here, eh? Has many times made comments like: "Just call the vet and get all of the animals put down" Doesn't want anything to do with the animals during her dark times is apt to use her feet to push them away. Even during her "better" periods she doesn't want much to do with them and sometimes it seems forced. She beleives that God hates her and beleive me the feeling is returned with such venom and rage that it scares all of the critters. they scatter and hide under me or anywhere they feel safe. i keep waiting for lightning bolts or something to hit because of some of the blasphemy that will pour out of her. Make no mistake, if i was any more superstitous of a person i would swear that she was possesed during these dark times. She often complains that she can feel the evil in the world, that it is like a skim of evil covering her that she can't wash off.
* quick note: my wife being the hardy girl she is/was, fear causes her to get mad. bullying or brute forcing through fear tactics doesn't do anything but make her mad and if the perp doesn't get the point really soon she will return fire so to speak.
She has moments during or after an outburst of rage/fear/panic that she shows that whatever is going on scares her. she is afraid that she will be institutionalized. As i don't know the total depths of what she is feeling 'cause that is inside her. she tells me that they will take her away. She wonders aloud if i will send her away, and i am like no. she won't go anywhere unless it is her choice. she fears the gov't. i do too now a days that's for sure. she fears that she will have an outburst in public and some cop will grab her and arrest her and have her commited against her will and that there is nothing i can do about it. i tell her that will not happen. a) she has better control over herself then that and b) i will not allow it to happen.
i try so hard to tell her that this is the depression making her feel this way, that it colors everything in the world differently and also "changes" memories so that it is hard to ever remember being happy, this is a false illusion generated by the chemical changes in her brain, but it so hard to push the logic in until she is ready.
I started desperatly searching for help with this, advice etc. because her latest dark period that started afternoon of the 4th. un-nerves me. last night / yesterday she slept most of the time. when she was awake and moving, she was ... dead inside? ... nothing positive, it was like all hope has been totally burned out of her and she just didn't care anymore. her voice was flat, etc. now i recognize that myself as i have been to the edge (and beyond) of suicide before and i know that state of mind is close to the commitment level. This woman, who showed me that life was worth living is now where i have been before.

[madisgram]

i did locate your intro, and read this post too. it sounds like you all have been through a lot to say the least. i'm no pdoc or doc but from what you have described your wife has experienced a personality change from head trauma. i know limited stuff about this condition but do recall that sometimes it is permanent. i hope for u and your wife that this is not the case.
no questions for u, but i hope a helpful comment. i believe i'd find a well recommended psychiatric doctor or specialist at a teaching hospital or better yet a diagnostic hospital(both tend to be more up on new treatments and are more aware of new drugs for this kind of injury) who specializes in head trauma patients. you can research this person online beforehand to assure the credentials are favorable. i would take your wife to see this doctor. request that your wife sign a consent form at the receptionist's desk so you can sit in on all exams,etc, and participate in conversation about your wife with the doctor. i would write down basically what you have described to us about your wife's pre-wreck personality and now. try to be concise with your descriptions. keep a copy for yourself and hand one to the doctor or mail it to him/her before the appointment.
this is what i'd do if this was my loved one. it's merely a suggestion. most importantly i wish you the very best in your quest to help your wife. she has a strong advocate in you so you need to take care of you also! this is a very stressful situation for both of you. i hope you all have support from friends to also help you thru this journey. i'll pray for you both, just me (in respect for those that don't have a religious belief.)
i hope you will keep us posted on how you all are fareing. we do care for u.