[sunnydazeahead]

My daughter who is 19 has had difficulty for a long time and has been in a variety of counseling. Her sister and I believe she has BPD and we know she has Attention Deficit Disorder with hyperactivity. She is in college and trying, her best, but not surprisingly having trouble with relationships and other self doubts, etc.
I guess my first question is should I tell her that I think she might have BPD? She is currently on medication for depression and antianxiety (lexepro) that seems to help a little but clearly not an answer. One of her pshchologists suggested that it wasn't good to label, but I think she might feel some relief if she knows that what she has is a condition that others share and not just her not fitting in and feeling uncomfortable all the time. Please share if anyone advises telling her and the best way to let her consider if this condition might be the same as what she experiences.
We love her very much and want to help and advice is welcome. We live in a small town and there are no BPD specialists here and she has had some unhelpful counseling in the past. I think if she is aware that might be the first step to feeling in control about herself and her emotions. Thank you.

[Crazy Hitch]

Well, at the moment you don't have a medical professional diagnosis, you're relying on suspicion and some patterns of behaviors that are concerning you. You think she has bpd but you don't know that she has bpd. The symptoms that she is displaying could be contributed to by a multitude of factors that may, or may not, be a manifestation of bpd.

Well if she did have some form of counseling in the past (and only if, and I repeat if, she has bpd), the counseling would have been of no use because it would have kept missing the target.

To answer your question if you should tell her you suspect she may have bpd, I'm sure you'll get some mixed responses on this forum. Honestly, if my mother told me that at the tender age of 19 when I was still trying to discover who I am I would have told her to get effed. The way she views herself may be different to how you perceive her.

My personal advice would be to get in touch with a psychiatrist. Even if that means you have to travel to find someone because you live in a small town. Don't try and diagnose her. You're not qualified to diagnose her. Leave that to the professionals. As to how you are going to convince her to see a psychiatrist might be tricky if she doesn't perceive any problem beyond depression and ADHD. She may not, initially want to.

A precursor to all of this is that I guess I really don't know what kind of relationship you have with her, if it's a good one or a turmulous one. She may trust your opinion. Or she may reject the notion entirely if you don't have a well adapted relationship and may think you're trying to interfere. The fact that one psychologist has already told you no, leads me to feel that there must be some reason beyond what you have written here and not expressed, that you yourself shouldn't be telling her yourself.

She does sound like she needs help. But as the saying goes, you can't change what you don't acknowledge so does she herself acknowledge or agree with the patterns you have described.

And again, if you need to travel to find the help that she needs, by all means, travel.

I hope you find the right answers, not for you, but your daughter.

I apologise in advance for my tell it like it is response that is somewhat abrupt, but you've come here looking for answers from those with bpd.

Maybe, only maybe, if I had of being diagnosed with bpd when I was younger and not in my 30s, could have helped to alleviate some suffering.

[cryingontheinside]

Hi.
I have suffered with bpd since my teens but only diagnosed at the age of 31, two years ago.
I wish i knew earlier. I wish people around me had noticed the signs and got me some help. I didnt know what was happening to me. I felt like a freak.
I did feel some relief when i was diagnosed because i dont blame my self so much for having poor social skills and my constant struggle in life.
If i had been diagnosed back then maybe my qaulity of life would be better now.
At the same time if someone would of tried to put a label on me back then i would of been angry and in denial.
It would be worth her having an assessment but be careful how you aproach this with her. Be as delicate as possible.
I think it is really good that you are trying to help your daughter, i wish my mum had done the same for me.

[Angelique67]

I still don't fully understand what BPD really means although I'm supposed to have it. I think you should leave her be, but be understanding and a loving mom. She probably isn't aware of what all her problems are but she's at the age where she has to discover herself. I don't think labels at this stage are helpful.

[sunnydazeahead]

Thanks for responding and no, you were not abrupt. I appreciate getting opinions from people who understand what she feels. She has been to two psychiatrists and two psychologists and we traveled for some of them. The one that she opened up to at all is the person that indicated BPD, but she didn't want to label her because I gathered that she felt is was a difficult diagnosis and would make my daughter appear difficult.

At this point my daughter doesn't want any counseling at all because she is tired of going over and over her history. I had hoped she might gain some coping skills that she lacks, but that hasn't happened. She says she wants to try to move ahead on her own and sort herself out. I agree with her, but am of course concerned that something will happen in her life that she can't deal with and we will be at the bottom again.

We are quite close with the exception of annoying mom things that I am prone to do from time to time and she is very open with me. She has exhibited most of the symptoms on the BPD list and I believe came into the world that way. She has always been very emotional and sensitive. I have told her in the past when I wasn't aware of BPD that I felt she was like a person with a very low physical pain threshold...but her's is a low emotional pain threshold so she feels everything deeply to the point of much pain and frustration. On the good side it makes her a very kind and considerate person and she does have a good sense of humor, but when she is disappointed in something or someone everything falls apart. She dispairs or becomes angry and has such a hard time recovering.

So you are right that treating symptoms without a source hasn't been very helpful. I (and the school) missed her and her sister's ADHD diagnosis for a long time, but once we realized what it meant to them we were all so relieved. I remember the same feeling when I was in my 30's and realized that my parents were functional alcoholics. It just seemed to make sense and then when you are acting in a way that isn't helpful to you or those around you at least you can say oh, this is a sypmtom of whatever and if I am aware, maybe I can take a closer look at what is going on and be sure I'm responding the way I really want to and not just how I'm kind of wired to respond.

Hope this makes sense. I really do appreciate the responses and I don't intend to jump into telling her. And will do my very best to make it comfortable for her if I do. I'm not looking for an excuse or something to blame, only and explanation that might help her take an easier path through her life.

I'm here for advice and to learn some things, so thanks again. :-)

[sunnydazeahead]

I saw my daughter this weekend briefly. She had social difficulty with two friends that made her feel ditched so was very distraught, but at least she reached out to me. She had settled down significantly the next day. She did have another SI episode a few days before I saw her though and hadn't done that since late last spring. We didn't get to talk about it, so of course, I'm worried about that. She did say it was lonliness/abandonment related with friends. She will be home more during the holidays, so I hope to have more opportunity to speak with her and be with her to see how she is really doing...

Hard to know how to help her without pushing her away. :-(

[cryingontheinside]

Im sure she is greatful that you are there for her. She may feel abandoned by friends but at least she knows she has a loving family.
Just listen to her, do girlie things and have fun and let her feel loved. Your doing do good because you care.