[JackBlack]

I am 48 years old and have dated a girl for 4 years. It began shortly after my marriage ended and I was captivated by her sensitivity to my wounded and angry soul. We developed our relationship very romantically I think and built our relationship over 6 months by strictly private conversations for 3-6 hours most every night. I loved her before we even physically met. She claimed to be "sensitive" and was so extremely supportive and understanding of my troubles and made me feel valued and appreciated.
Ultimately, because I loved her I chose to move to live with her in another state and away from my children and parents. It felt like I was taking refuge from my situation previously .
After the past few years, we have been through very very difficult times. I still love her and would do anything for her but I'm just unsure what to do with our relationship.
She was raised by a prominent Christian family and in a very religious household and was obviously asked in some way to behave in the manner of a good "preacher kid". She is well behaved at least out in public and we both have similar views on many things. I've always enjoyed spending time with her but she and I never go out and have gone to 2 movies, 2 concerts and out to eat 5 times in 4 years. She sleeps all day and doesn't leave her house for 3-4 days at a time. Her house is clean but the rooms are getting smaller as she continues to buy furniture and other things that uselessly pile up around every wall.
More recently she has touched on some questionable abuse and sexual abuse that may have been done by a neighbor, or maybe even within her house of origin as a child. She was not cared for by her mother for some time as her mother had a "nervous breakdown" at sometime in the past. She too has been in some type of psychiatric hospital but hasn't spoken of this in any detail. She has only one sister that has been single for 20 years and was the mistress of a married man for this period. In regards to the sexual abuse, she claims she just "can't really remember" what might have happened through her childhood. She refuses to discuss this despite the pressure I have place on her... Perhaps detrimentally so.
Right now we are at a crossroads and I question whether I can do this any more. I would say without exaggeration that we have broken up and gotten back together 10-15 times, with these situation increasing in frequency more recently. Earlier in our relationship I had no idea why we were having troubles other than she was "sensitive" and I always seemed to offend her or step on her toes. She indicates that I am selfish, narcissistic and abusive, of which is not true by my thinking. She can be set off by anything and when she does get upset about my statements, she asks me to leave the house as she needs to be "alone". Her sensitivity makes it nearly impossible to live with her and I have gotten to the point that if I say anything it generally ends with her being offended and asking me to leave and stay in a hotel. After a day or two she has asked me to return but any more she seems to want me to go away forever.
Right now I can't deal with these episodes and these explosions are something that I had never experienced before. She is essentially asexual and doesn't want me is proximity to her. She intellectually recognizes a man had physical needs and frequently says "everyone has needs and men's are just different than women's" she seems to understand this but when I make a point of meeting my needs she will blow up or claim I'm selfish or just scream to avoid being intimate. She has grown ever more angry recently and besides no s@x, there is never a nice conversation other than what I did wrong andhow she loves me but I just "don't get it".
This girl has been in a number of relationships since age 25 after a short failed marriage and I'm apparently the 21st relationship she has had according to her and she seems to be proud of that fact. All this makes me feel worthless and undesirable and quite honestly there is little pleasure in continuing. I love her dearly and yet don't know what to do to make her happy. The current anger is overwhelming and never-ending. Is this normal BPD or are we talking about multiple psychiatric issues? Can she be helped? Why are both sisters messed up when they apparently came from such a "good" family? (She claims to have had very caring and supportive parents and acts almost unusually respectful of her father. She doesn't like her mother as she is "a bit crazy".
Can I help her with her depression of which is the only disorder she claims to have? I feel so confused and I find myself only returning anger as I want to help and yet there has been no successful approach. Where do I go and how do I make sense of it all? I am #21 and wonder if my love for this time has been wasted and I'll end up alone, while she'll quickly move onto #22. I THOUGHT I WAS TO BE # 1 in her world and am left wondering if anyone could hold that title.

[kaliope]

im afraid i don't have good news for you...things are unlikely to improve. if she does not see that there is a problem, and is unwilling to go to therapy to work on it, it is only going to get worse. she is projecting all the issues onto you and expecting you to change to meet her needs. if you are willing to do this, and cater to her ever whim and mood change then things can work. are you willing to do this. there is a book called walking on eggshells that helps in dealing with living someone who has bpd. she needs to deal with the sexual abuse. trauma could be causing a lot of her issues. she could have ptsd as well. her sister may have been abused as well. if mom was crazy, who knows what they are not telling you about their childhood. there may have been a lack of attachment, their needs not being met by mom and this does a lot to mess up kids. so it is up to you if you want to continue living life this way. again, she is not going to change if she does not see a problem and get help for herself.