[Sadmike]

This is long… sorry. My story is a nightmare that just gets worse and I don’t know what I can do. It’s sad to see my wife go though this alone. Why alone? Read on…

My wife (I’ll call her Sue) and I have been best friends and married for about 30 years. We have had the most amazing life together. We always grew together and helped/supported each other in everything we have done. We were inseparable. We worked/traveled together for many years and counted on each other for our work success (a lot of pressure). But, we can’t remember ever having an argument in the 30 years. When we’re together it’s obvious that we think more of the other than ourselves and do our best to make the other happy. With that said, it blew me away 2 years ago when she said she wasn’t happy and wanted to leave. I asked why and she could never come up with an answer, just “I don’t know why”. So for a few months it became a guessing game for me to try to figure it out as this just seemed crazy and became an unimaginable nightmare. I went over everything we had done in the 30 years and asked if any of it, or if she missed out on something was the problem (We don’t have kids). Nope, she had no idea why she was unhappy, but said it has been for a long time (8-10 years??). Our sex life changed pretty much after the wedding, but I always heard that happens…. But during the days there was always the hugs/kisses, love cards, and the almost daily “I love you more”. So, I thought all was OK. But for the last 5-8 years the sex really went to almost nothing, but as described everything else stayed the same, amazing days. So I decided she was more important than sex and I would deal with it (I would never cheat, or lie). Of course I was hoping it was pre-menopause and things would change. It didn’t, but the days together were still great and I would never leave her… Then came her announcement of wanting to leave me.

She went to see a therapist and after a couple months she was sitting in the living room teary eyed. I asked what was wrong and she said she thinks she never really loved me. I went and got a close up wedding picture of her with teary eyes and a beautiful smile (amazing photo, truly beautiful). I asked if she didn’t love me in the picture and she said, “I was obviously happy, but I don’t think I loved you.” WHAT??? She hired a plane to fly over our wedding with a “Name, I love you more” banner. Which followed a roadside billboard that she did a year prior on Valentine’s Day saying the same thing. So I questioned what the therapist was doing. The therapist also suggested that she move out and find herself. WHAT??? Why?? Later after a session we sat and talked, she cried and said that the therapist made a lot of sense, but when she came home that I did as well and that she was really confused. So I suggested we see her together (She never met me). She told Sue that she doesn’t do couples. So Sue said she would see a couples therapist with me and then see this lady alone. The lady said she won’t see anybody that is seeing someone else, so Sue said goodbye to her. Then the lady said, “That’s just another example of how he controls you.” WHAT?? So I asked Sue for an example of anytime in 30 years that I ever controlled her. She couldn’t come up with one. The ongoing joke is that I never say “no” to her, which would make it very difficult to control somebody.

We already had a big European trip planed so she said she would go as friends. Note, I haven’t touched her other than a kiss on the cheek, a hug and an occasional holding hands for about 9 months at this time . I gave her as much space with no pressure. On the trip the days were normal as years ago, but the nights were strange. One night she was in the shower and I went in to brush my teeth. I looked in the mirror and saw terror in her face through the glass shower door. I have never seen that face. So I finished and didn’t say anything. I did the same thing the next night to see if it was a freak happening. But it wasn’t, she did the exact same thing. So, as we drove during the days I would think of what this meant. I figured it had to be something sexual… When we got back home I searched “Long term affects of sexual childhood abuse” as she told me many years ago that something happened around 10 years old that she ended up at the Police station, but that is all she could remember. So with the web search I started to read our entire life together! Everything started to make sense, everything. I sat down with her and told her the bathroom story and my web search and said it must be the childhood sexual abuse. She said, “Which time?” WHAT???? She then told me what happened with a step grandfather at age 6-7 probably quite a few times, in the bathroom!!! So it turns out I was a trigger in Europe. She said it could be the childhood abuse, that about 20 years ago she was watching TV with my Mom, and my Mom asked her if she was OK. She said yes, why? Mom told her she turned pale… They were watching Oprah on childhood sexual abuse! So now we have the cause (I believe) on what is happening.

I searched for the best therapist in the area for CSA. We saw her together and Sue gave her side that she never really loved me like she should have (over time she added the “like she should have”). Then I gave our entire sex life history, and everything else that I could think of including the airplane/billboard/cards and so on that showed black and white how much we loved each other. She wrote it all down (so I thought). In a couple of months Sue moved out, WHAT??? Why?? So, I paid the $145 to see the therapist to see what was going on. Before going I read a lot more about CSA and understood the process of trust between the two of them and that it takes time. She told me everything I wanted to hear so I had faith in her. I also took in a photo book of Sue and I, and some of the love cards “I miss you, I can’t live without you…”. So I figured she understood our relationship.

Fast forward a year since Sue has left me… Sue seems even more unhappy and she does her best to stay away from me so she can find happiness and herself. So I asked to meet with her and therapist to see how things were going. (When I see Sue I hate to discuss it much if at all as it makes her unhappy and I don’t want her to stay away because I bring it up.). We met with the therapist a couple of weeks ago… I brought another picture book of the early years showing how close (hugs/kisses/flowers) and amazing we are together. (Note if we weren’t so happy all of the time, other than sex, how could we both look 15+ years younger than we are? We had a great life!) The therapists said that Sue is working hard with a workbook and doing homework. I asked about the CSA. She said it has nothing to do with our relationship. WHAT??? I had a list of what happened to Sue (very bad stuff) including how her Mom said she was a liar when the Mom’s boyfriend would come on to Sue as a young teen. Sue could trust nobody… I also had the web information that was relative to Sue regarding CSA. The therapist agreed on each topic and then said that the CSA has a little to do with us. WHAT??? I just changed her mind a little? So I gave her the same story that she supposedly wrote down over a year earlier: “Sue is anti-penis, she never liked the look of it. During sex she always wanted the lights out even though I would say how beautiful she was. She thinks of the male and female sex parts as dirty as well as having sex is dirty. She even calls Dick’s Sporting Goods, Richards.” She looked at Sue and asked if it was true. WHAT??? It’s been over a year and now you ask her??? Sue said, “I think due to my childhood, yes, that is how I felt until a year ago…” WHAT happened a year ago? (I didn’t ask..) I looked at the therapist and said, see how it affected our life. She asked Sue to tell me why we are apart. Sue said, “I didn’t love you the way I should have.” So I waited for more…. That was it, nothing else. So, the therapist believes as Sue does that all of the pictures/friends stories/cards and saying she loves me every day for almost 30 years was just a mistake and being sexually molested at 6-7 and then 10, has nothing to do with anything. I’m in shock. The evidence shows that Sue is living with false memories and has blocked out 30 years. Or I’m in a really bad episode of the Twilight Zone and everything I know, my family knows and our many friends know is all fake, including the pictures/cards. Then the therapist said, time is up… I didn’t know what to say (rare)…

I talked to Sue outside and she said she just wants to be happy and wants to start dating. WHAT??? I explained that her mind is choosing the safest route. That it’s safer to give up 30 GREAT years with someone she loved more than anybody in the world, than to deal with what happened at 6-7 years old. I said that just shows how horrible the sexual abuse was. She cried… During the meeting I suggested a support group, and outside she said she would do that. I asked if it was OK for me to do the leg work on area groups and send her information on CSA from the web, she said yes. The ONLY relative group therapy in a one-hour radius is on days that she works!!! We can’t get a break! She said she will try to change her schedule which shows she knows something isn’t right and still cares. But therapist #2 has taken CSA off the table of reasons for being unhappy and is working towards creating a new person.

Sue now lives 45 minutes away (closer to work) and stays away from and doesn’t contact any of our friends. She has one friend and spends her time with him, yes, him… Her Dad past away last year so she basically doesn’t have any family (Her Mom was explained above). She hasn’t seen my 83 year old Mom much in the last two years, which has been a real Mom to her for 30 years. She basically has tried to disappear/hide. I finally told my Mom that Sue moved out a year ago. She asked why and I told her Sue’s reason. She started laughing out loud. I said there’s nothing funny. She apologized and said “that’s crazy” and that is why she laughed. I explained CSA and it started to make sense to her… None of our friends will believe this.

As I am the only one that is trying to help (Aside from the therapist that doesn’t make sense to me), but I read if I try too much she could never face her childhood. It is sad to see this happening to her with no end in sight. I’m lost and worn down, my sense of humor is keeping me somewhat sane. I understand that she needs therapy and support to go from a victim to a survivor. The therapy doesn’t seem to be working and there is no outside support as she was told to move away from me and that I’m the reason for her unhappiness. What do I do??? Is the move away from a loving husband and re-invent yourself the new therapy? I can’t find that in all of the web reading I have done. Can she now be “cured” of her childhood and sex problems by not facing the CSA but doing homework (Remember as of a year ago she is sexually normal)? I can’t find that either in all of the web reading I have done. Note, she did tell a friend recently that she will probably never meet anybody that makes her as happy as I do. WHAT??? Any help or suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated!!!!!!

Thanks in advance!
SadMike

[baseline]

SadMike, I am so sorry for you and your wife. I also recently told my spouse about CSA I experienced. We have been married for 25 years and I never shared my experience.I couldn't. I tried to forget the memories in fact I managed to suppress them for many years. We have always had a great marriage until about 5-6 years ago when I WAS RAISING TEENAGE CHILDREN AND CARING FOR AGING PARENTS. Many events started to trigger me and I pulled away from him. I couldn't share what I was going through. We fought constantly about our oldest child. I wanted to protect her from what I suffered so I became the strict mean, parent and he of course became the easy going, happy parent. It killed me that I was so misunderstood. Anyway to make a long story short due to many life events my doctor wantedme to see a psychologist. After awhile in therapy I was told that If I still felt love for my husband I would need to make amends and rely on his love and support to see me through one of the darkest times in my life. It didn't happen immediately but by learning to trust in my therapist I explained why I was so strict with my children. I was scared for them!! The trauma i experienced affects me till this day. One day I was having a major panic attack and finally was able to open up to my husband!! It was so frightening to do but he understands me so much better now and OUR relationship is much better. Point is I almost left my husband and I was sabotaging my marriage rather than face the real issues of CSA. You sound like a loving and supportive person to stand by your wife. I hope that you are getting some kind of support for yourself. Thanks for sharing your story I can relate to both you ! I pray things get better for you both! Your story affected me greatly and I am fortunate that my spouse didn't leave me because I was a real terror for those 6 years!!

[*PeaceLily*]

I am sorry that this is happening to you, but also I am heartened to see that there are good men out there.

baseline basically confirmed what I basically think is the issue here. I can relate to it, alebeit I am younger and I am not married. However I can relate to her feelings...

From this book I'm reading, most people don't experience a breakdown in the their 'defensive structure' with which they have coped with their trauma until the third or 4th decade of their life. For me, it was earlier because the traumatic events continued into adulthood, but for people who get married and are circumstantially able to present a facade of normality to themselves and others, it actually takes a long time before they crumble on the outside.

i do sense that it is to do with things she has not come to terms with. Also, and what is so scary about 'breakthrough' memories of abuse, (that's precisely what it's like- memories suddenly 'breakthrough' into consciousness,) is that the traumatised person starts to realise bit by bit as the blanks get filled in just how bad things have been. they start to realise just how much they have normalised things which are actually not only very damaging, but actually criminal.

I am going through this right now.It is so lonely, and yet I know that if i had a husband, there is no way I could stand to be near him. It is a literally disorientating experience. EVERYTHING triggers me. I cannot stand to be around men and I find frequently find myself casually thinking as I walk down the street that it would be awesome if men didn't have to exist, and how much better the world would be without them. I feel literally disgusted by men- not trying to be rude, but trying to give you some context within which to help you understand your wife. I feel like running away all the time. I want to get away from the entire human race, especially men. So that's what I mean when I say I'm not married, but I get why your wife feels this way. She may feel she can't love you, because of what she's going through regarding what men have done to her.

I don't want to scare you, but it is highly likely that there is more to this picture than you are aware of. I know there is no way I could tell anyone about everything that happened to me, even if I was close to them .a) Because currently I do not even understand what has happened to me, yet alone am I able vocalise it! Trauma is so fragmented with huge memory gaps that it cannot be put into words, and then there's the fact that it's so triggering to talk about that the traumatised person fears disintegrating when they talk about it...which generally does happen by the way; it's not an irrational fear. Like how your wife started crying when you mentioned it to her for instance.

I havem't really come across anyone who has been abused or gone through any serious trauma who hasnt later on had blanks in thir memory filled in and had to confront the reality that it was worse, often far worse than they had originally thought it was. I can't say for certain, but perhaps this is currently what's happening with your wife?

I'm having issues with my therapist too. Basically what I have realised is that they are not trained in trauma. She says stuff like 'we can't do anything about the past' which isnt helpful. It sounds to me like the therapist working with your wife isn't working within the framework of trauma either. I don't think I am as in denial as your wife seems to be,- simply because my traumatic situation continued into adulthood so it is harder to be in denial about, not because I am so insightful or anything. Therefore it has been possible for me to eventually pick up on the fact that my therapist hasn't been giving what happened to me it's fair due- she wanted to sort of forget about it and work on building on my quality of life, without acknowledging that I have very severe post traumatic stress that I have literally almost constant flashbacks. I'm talking about a very severe situation here that continued until I was 25, so if I have a therapist who wanted to dance around that and work on my 'current quality of life' whilst doing nothing to help me with my flashbacks or triggers or diassociation, then it is definately possible that that is happening with your wife and her therapist!

She needs a therapist who understands trauma. Otherwise all therapists try to work on the 'here and now', but although we can't do anything about the past, ordinary self empowerment in the present therapy doesn't work on people who have experienced trauma.It certainly didn't work on me. that's because there is no 'now' for the traumatised person- they are being constantly retruamatised in their mind and body by what happened, and therefore evrything they are thinking, saying and doing is stemming from the trauma. It's really is like the trauma is an actual entity which is capable of thinking,saying and doing, which has taken over the person in question, and is in control of everything. That may sound like an exaggeration to you, but I have severe ptsd, and it is honestly no exaggeration!

There are also some great books about trauma and child abuse and specifically child sexual abuse for you to read, ( I wouldn't give them to your wife though.I have tried reading things I wasn't ready to read, and it was extremely retraumatising)

xx

[baseline]

peacelily, First, I wanted to say sorry for your pain. Second, I admire how well you could explain the thoughts and feelings of CSA. You are so right about finding an experienced therapist in trauma. I was fortunate that my psychologist was very supportive and experienced. I started going to therapy for a totally unrelated issue and once I learned I could trust him I slowly began to relay what I had kept hidden and denied for too many years. I am also fortunate that despite what happened to me I was able to find love and now that I can talk to him(although very little because it is too painful) I love him even more. He has been patient and nonjudgemental! Yes, there are good men like sad mike in the world. I hope that you will get to experience a loving relationship/friendship with someone. You are brave and intelligent!

[Victoria'smom]

I don't have CSA but have "all the sign of it ". I use to have sex a lot with my husband, I can't now, and I use to use that as a manipulation tool. I no longer do that. Most of the time I know I love my husband but feeling it is different. I'll do little cute things like your wife when I feelq like a horrible human for not loving him. I feel it has a lot more with my bipolar then any possible CSA. If it is because of mental illness non trauma based she won't get better
without meds. I would suggest medication.

What I would suggest is you each have an individual therapist and a couple therapist that work together. Remember her therapist only gets her side. I've had therapists confirm my psychotic fears because they didn't know my target. Only after someone else explained did they realize. The stuff her therapist says to you come directly from your wife. So meds and intence therapy for you both is the only help you can get.

[Sadmike]

Thank you VERY MUCH for your responses! I have spent many months reading medical/psychological web sites regarding CSA and childhood abuse, but honestly, hearing real life stories that directly relate to what is happening is so much more helpful. I appreciate each of you for taking the time and courage to share with me. I have learned from each of you!!! The “therapist who understands trauma” is something I didn’t know from my reading, but your example seems to be exactly what is happening here. From what I see, the therapist is trying to create a brand new Sue without any connection to her past. I still don’t understand why she was told to move out and find herself. It saddens me that she feels that not only am I the cause of her many years of unhappiness (with no examples), but also that she doesn’t trust me to help her (yet never an example of mistrust in 30 years).

Here’s an update that gets my roller coaster near the top for another ride… Sue took off work to go to her first group therapy!! Yea! I’m thrilled that she decided to go and made it happen. I met with her after for dinner (met to give her something, as she stays away unless there is a reason) and I had to ask if she thought the group would be helpful and also let her know that I am not asking for any details. She said she cried while hearing what some of these women went and are going through, in fact she started tearing up just tell me that. I asked if she was going back and she said yes that she went/spoke last and didn’t say much to the group. While Sue is a very caring person, she might initially tear up a little when she hears something horrible happened to someone. But to tear up an hour later while telling me nothing about what happened, seems like their stories were a trigger to her CSA, things she doesn’t remember. Could that be? She already took off next Monday but found it’s the first day they don’t meet, so it’s two weeks to the next time. Just like comparing your lives/stories to the web information I have read, I think that this group therapy will do a lot more for her than the therapist that as you said doesn’t deal with trauma. So then the roller coaster started moving again when she said she was probably going to take her 4 days off next week to go visit her Mom. It scrambles my head to think she’ll travel 11 hours each way to see a lady that has done nothing positive for her and didn’t protect her as a child, while I spent 30 years doing everything to make her happy and loved, yet she stays away from me. Note that I did a couple of detailed sessions with her therapist to make sure she understood the amazing life we had together in simple black and white, obvious examples. Yet she is still told to stay away and she’ll be happy, she isn’t, she’s more confused… So when her childhood trauma starts to come out she’ll be all alone while trying to deal with it, how sad.

[Sadmike]

So as I figured when things looked like they might help, due to her work schedule Sue can't go back to group therapy for a few weeks. So she only made it to one session. But in the meantime she continues to see the therapist that is sending her down a dead-end road. It's hard to watch my wife go through so much hardship because the therapist is dead set on avoiding the CSA and saying the unexplainable unhappiness is me. The therapist and Sue are the only ones in the world to believe Sue's story after 30 years, "I never loved you like I should have." It's like there is nothing I can do as she avoids her memory while believing the therapist of one year over our 30 years of complete honesty with each other (never one lie or mistrust). My latest thought is to hope that when she goes back to the group therapy that someone will hear her story (assuming she tells the real story, not the one created by the therapist) and recommend from experience a therapist that will deal with the trauma/CSA. This just seems like a movie, one that's hard to believe that makes you wonder what the ending will be. I'm just hoping it's a Hallmark movie so the ending will become obvious and happy! Oh, here come the Holidays and Sue will be sitting alone in her apartment with no friends or family, as the therapist says for her to find herself. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I'm running out of ideas!!!

[baseline]

Originally Posted by Sadmike

So as I figured when things looked like they might help, due to her work schedule Sue can't go back to group therapy for a few weeks. So she only made it to one session. But in the meantime she continues to see the therapist that is sending her down a dead-end road. It's hard to watch my wife go through so much hardship because the therapist is dead set on avoiding the CSA and saying the unexplainable unhappiness is me. The therapist and Sue are the only ones in the world to believe Sue's story after 30 years, "I never loved you like I should have." It's like there is nothing I can do as she avoids her memory while believing the therapist of one year over our 30 years of complete honesty with each other (never one lie or mistrust). My latest thought is to hope that when she goes back to the group therapy that someone will hear her story (assuming she tells the real story, not the one created by the therapist) and recommend from experience a therapist that will deal with the trauma/CSA. This just seems like a movie, one that's hard to believe that makes you wonder what the ending will be. I'm just hoping it's a Hallmark movie so the ending will become obvious and happy! Oh, here come the Holidays and Sue will be sitting alone in her apartment with no friends or family, as the therapist says for her to find herself. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I'm running out of ideas!!!

sadmike, are you seeing a therapist to help you through this very difficult situation? Is your wife speaking with you at all? Where is her family and why are they not stepping up to help her. I can't believe her therapist would want her to isolate herself? Could you go to a session with your wife so they could meet you?
My therapist asked if I would like to bring my husband to a session. He met with us both on two occasions. It helped him see where I was coming from and who I was dealing with. I hope you are getting support.

[Sadmike]

I'm not seeing a therapist. I have some good friends that keep me going and keep my head on straight. Talking it out with them and hearing about others that they know that are victims of CSA helps a lot for me to understand what is happening. From everything I have read, real life stories I've heard as well as read on here, I don't think a therapist would do much for me as I would be going just for strategy on what to do next.

Sue and I talk/text when there is a reason. I would call her a lot as I worry, but I don't want her to feel any pressure from me. She just had a B-day and we went with friends to a theme park. What a great day! We act/look like nothing is happening and we're still the perfect couple. She still looks at me like she has for 30 years. Before she left it was the first time in a long time that she said she loved me too. I know she's still in there, but she's not allowed to come home or be with me much as she's told to go find herself by her therapist and that I'm the reason for her unhappiness (with no examples in 30 years)....

She basically has no family. It's another story but she has nobody. So she has nobody to support/help her through this (including me as described above).

I (or anybody that knows about this) can't believe or understand why the therapist is sending her down the road to be completely alone. I did meet with Sue and the therapist about 6 weeks ago to hear the therapist say that Sue's childhood has nothing to do with our situation, but has no reason why we are separated other than Sue saying, "I never loved you like I should of." Then Sue admitted that her childhood made her "anti-penis" and thinks of sex as dirty, until a year ago. I guess the workbook is curing CSA????? The therapist needs help. I feel she is slowly killing Sue and trying to create a new person. Her strategy obviously isn't working as Sue is a lot worse than a year ago, but she has gained Sues trust and she's the only one Sue talks to.

I would love for Sue to see someone else, someone that understands what is happening, and will deal with the trauma. So my only hope now is for Sue to go back to the group therapy and get advise to change therapist from someone else that is going through this. Unless I hear other ideas, I'm burned out... But spending a full day with her the other day was amazing and keeps hope alive.