[tetrarch]

I met this girl on my first year of college. I was a very shy insecure boy who just started to live and study in a big city. I didn't have any male friends yet and she was one of the first friends I had at all. She seemed very likeable, funny and charming. We shared many mutual interests. I even fell in love with her at some point, but it wasn't mutual, and she has a boyfriend. Needless to say, I did favors without even thinking about it.

But then I saw her "other" side. Consistently and continuosly she made hurtful and cynical remarks. Of course, I thought there was something wrong with me. I didn't know what to reply to her demeaning comments and I just said "huh?" or "what?", bewildered, and later thought very hard about what she was trying to say. I have been called arrogant, overbearing, confused, socially retarded, socially awkward, socially defective. I'm not really any of these things nor have I ever been called that. E.g. one time I frowned on something and she yelled "Don't be so full of yourself". Other time I looked at her while she was playing smartphone games, and smiled friendly only to hear: "You will be a very poor parent." She frequently likes to put me down, and sometimes even mocks me, supposedly in a friendly manner. However, she isn't constantly mean - there are times when we talk normally, joke, have fun. But I'm afraid her flaws far outweigh her good sides.

Some of my friends also started to realize that. She has no boundaries and comments on everything, as private as it is, and she gossips big time - I talk to her in confidence one day, my friends talk about it the next.

Naturally, she doesn't apologize. "Oh, sorry, I was nervous that day, I didn't mean to..." doesn't exist. She's always right. When I don't share her opinion - and I must - sometimes she simply walks away, acting offended. I feel sorry for her boyfriend, because their relationship seems manipulative at the very least, so I don't know what keeps them together. She has many double standards and she is very hypocritical. Friendly teasing is forbidden, or you'll hear some of the aforementioned epithets.

I think she started to notice I'm distancing myself from her, so she found a girl friend she talks more frequently to. However, she still doesn't change her attitude, although I started to give her hints about her behavior.

Is she a bit sociopathic? Should I just stop talking to her or still pretend everything is great? Because the more I hang out with her, the more I realise it isn't.

[Mountainbard]

Pretending everything is great may work for the short run, but in the end it's no solution. It sounds like your friend is very intolerant of others and extremely sensitive to criticism. These traits don't make her sociopathic, but they are a problem because they are distancing her from you. It would seem to me that, other than pretending, you have two choices. You can either try to have an adult conversation about your concerns, knowing it might get you nowhere, or you can just distance yourself from what sounds like a toxic relationship.

[tetrarch]

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, that's what I also thought, maybe I exaggerated with sociopathic but she is toxic as toxic gets. She simply drained my energy to the point that I really wondered it's all my fault. I was such an easy prey, insecure, introverted... It makes me somewhat angry that I realized this and reacted accordingly only now, but it could have been worse. I've seen some of her friends (not our mutual) and I can say they mostly share those characteristics and rarely argue with her.

I will 'try' to talk to her and get her to change, but I don't think I owe her as much. What bothers me is how do I make my other friends (who are also somewhat irritated by her behavior, as I said) understand that I really don't want to be near her anymore. They don't know even half of the things she did to me, so they might not understand why I try to totally avoid her. Then again, I wouldn't like to be the party pooper. Or do you think they will slowly realize this with time?