[Seeker101]

My situation is that I am a long-time caregiver for my mother, who has been chronically ill for over 20 years.

The last 14 years, I have lived with her because she just can't be left alone to her own devises. For example, I lived out of state for 2 years, and when I moved back, her house was in such a deteriorated state. I know people have seen the show "Hoarders," well, there you go.

In addition to the hoarding, there are professionals who believe that my mom is an undiagnosed BPD. It's just that mom won't allow therapists to the meat of anything going on with her. She wants some magic pill to fix it all and make it go away.

I give this background to say.... Mom is in skilled care rehab right now. 7 weeks ago she was admitted into the hospital with right and left sided heart failure. It was so bad, she was in ICU for about 4 days. She has no recollection of it. I looked it up, and she may have had an episode of ICU psychosis.

Mom may be coming home this time. We all want her to get to the point of coming home. That is the goal. What's getting me is that I will get beat down into the role of personal slave again. She acts like a 3 year old when she doesn't get what she wants. She knows the exact words and looks to use to elicit a response out of me. Trust me, I have fought this my whole life!

I'm just so sick of it. She hates it when I go into counseling. When I'm in a consistent program of support, I am able to better utilize my tools, but when I don't have that ongoing support, I fall back and end up being her whipping post.

While she's been in the hospital and rehab, I've been at home all alone. Paralyzed. There are things I would like to do, but if one little thing is different or missing, all hell will break loose. So, I haven't sold anything. I haven't rearranged anything. I haven't done anything.

It's been nice and quiet without her here. But when she comes back, oh, I am dreading that. And that makes me feel awful. The judgy part of me scolds me and says what daughter would dread their mother coming home? Uh. That would be me.

So here I am. I have a counseling appointment today and I will be 5 minutes away from the nursing home where mom is now. Am I going to stop by for a visit? No. I already have plans to take her out tomorrow for a haircut and style. So, no. While I can do it, I'm going to be, as she terms it, selfish, and limit my exposure to mom.

Her body is so terribly worn out. And you can't tell the woman a damn thing. She knows it all! She basically tells the doctors that she knows better!

Fact: She has to limit her sodium. If she doesn't, she starts retaining huge amounts of water. Then when they try to pull off the water, her kidneys get too stressed. All that water also puts pressure on her lungs which are already compromised by COPD and emphysema. The woman's bodily systems are walking a very fine line. And she does nothing to help herself. She thinks she can still eat McDonald's and be just fine! Again, that magic pill syndrome. Next time she goes into the hospital, she may not make it out alive.

I'm an adult child caring for my chronically ill mother. Caregiving is exhausting, especially when you care for someone who says they appreciate you, but knocks you down however and whenever they can.

It is for those reasons, and a million others, that I also feel really guilty for feeling a sense of relief at the thought of her dying.

Relief that this will finally be over. For her.... And for me.

[hannabee]

I used to cringe every time my mother called and usually let it go to voicemail. I finally just stopped taking or returning calls. She was abusive. Your mother sounds the same. When she died, I celebrated, I kid you not! Do I feel guilty? Hell no! Am I the best mother I can be? Hell yes! You reap what you sow. She never nurtured her two daughters and she paid for it in the end.

You need help. There must be some assistance available for you. Big hug and I hope you have the courage to make things better for you. You deserve it!

[Seeker101]

Hannabee, thank you for validating me! I have been so isolated by her, that I feel like I'm out here all alone twisting in the wind. Thank you.