[Ahoy!Chips]

I feel like a ****** person, my wife and I have been married for four years, together for 7. She told me when we first started dating she suffered from depression, and I willingly continued to seek a relationship with her.

I suffered from a brief(1 year) bout of depression in High School so I had some idea of how she felt. I had a moment of hesitation but I figured that she was worth a chance. I don't regret that decision.

In that time she made basically no progress towards getting healthier, she would have high times and low times(including suicide attempts) they would come and go, but in the same pattern mixed with self harm between attempts.

We dated for 2 years, were engaged for a year, and have been married for 4. In that time, adding up all the time she has been out of a job and reliant entirely on me to pay the bills. I would honestly estimate at about 3-3.5 years including the last year in one long stretch.

Her depression comes from being raised in an emotionally abusive and extremely co-dependent family. Dad is super over bearing, mom is co-dependent on dad, children were all raised to be co-dependent on both. She was however very co-dependent and refused to accept this until about a year ago.

A year ago(after she quit to avoid being fired) she got a new psychologist who gave her a book on co-dependence to read and it clicked with her, which was great because finally after 6 years it felt like things were on the upswing . She was happier, she helped around the house, She was way less controlling and spent way less money.

During this whole time I feel I was super understanding. I never pushed her to get a job until she felt like she was ready, I rarely got angry when collectors called or when our apartment/house was a mess and I never stayed angry. My angry is pretty mild as well, at most I would simply go into my office and cry or tune my life out in a video game.

So a year has now gone by My wife has made great progress, her self harm has stopped, we have gone a little over a year since a suicide attempt, and for the least 6 weeks she has been working 10 hours a week.

I just feel like somewhere in there I ran out of steam to keep going with our relationship, or maybe I feel like instead of turning her anxiety inward she has turned it outwards at me. I have for the last year done almost all of the house cleaning dishes, picking up garbage cleaning our cat litter, taking down christimas lights and the tree etc For the last 2-3 months I finally just gave up, I figured I work over forty hours a week, I pay all the bills, i do all the yard work, and the majority of the mess isn't even from me. So I let it go

I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around her or else she becomes extremely angry and upset with me. For example I came home for lunch today from work like i always do. She was anxious because she had an appointment with the psychologist and she was going to have to talk about the anxiousness she has been feeling about work. We don't have central air and the one room in our house that doesnt stink of rotting food is my office as that is now my sanctuary where I can go to be alone or forget how I feel about my/our life.

She told she was feeling anxious and wanted to talk about it, so I grabbed my food and told her to come into the office to talk about it. About 5 minutes later she storms in and says she is going to her appointment an hour early and that I am an asshole for not talking to her. I try and get a word in edgewise that I had asked her to come into the (cooler and less disgusting) office and she never did. She accuses me of not saying anything(happens a lot) and how I just dont care anymore. In the past I would have argued that point till I was blue in the face. Today though I just said "Yes i do" and shut up, knowing anything else would just ruin more of my lunch with an argument.

I am not going to lie the last few weeks I have been thinking very strongly about divorce. I love my wife but I am feeling so depressed, For the first time since I was 16 I thought about self harm,

Possible trigger:

I put a pair of sweat pants(yeah I know lol) around my neck and tied a knot that can't be loosened. I didn't tighten it obviously I seriously thought about it as I lay on the floor of my office crying.

My wife coming in to grab something not saying a word about the situation just further showing me that something changed somewhere. A year ago she wouldve sat on the floor crying with me had I needed it, or maybe I just thought she would? Either way she didnt.

I havent worn my wedding ring in almost 2 months and my wife has yet to say anything or notice. When we were married I actually had not removed my ring for almost 18 months after she put it on me because we both thought it was great that the last time our rings were put on it was when we were married.

My car was totaled last year and I got 10,000 for the purpose of buying another car, My wife and I planned to use that money to pay off bills, and then buy a nicer car once she was making more money. That money is now gone, we didnt pay bills we didnt get a car we used it for survival to pay bills . I have a car that needs new tires we cant afford, a house that while great would be nice to do things like put in a fence or plant a lawn to get rid of the thistles and stink weed but we cant afford it. The thing that drives me nuts about it is that I make 50,000 a year. Our house is 120,000 a year we own our 1 car while we have debt its about $300 a month in payments. I make MORE than enough to do ok on my own, but by keeping my wife in my life I am sacrificing money, sanity, gaining stress, and depression. I am slowly watching my new carpet rot away with the old milk and ice cream she gets a cup out of or a bowl from and then leaves out next to the bed that I can no longer sleep in because it smells so bad in that room.

Am I wrong to want a divorce? I know she has improved and I know I have the time to clean up the house but I simply dont have the will. She complains about ho much time I spend playing games now, that i never used to do it. I try to explain that its the only escapism I have that doesn't cost us money, she suggests we go for a hike(using a car with year old oil on tires about to blow) or buy new kayaks(pawned the two I had before we met) or buy bikes(pawned the one I had) or any number of other things well out of our budget. I just need to escape what my life has become, somehow, anyhow.

[Angelique67]

I didn't read your whole post, but I did read enough to see how much stress and pressure you're feeling. Would marriage counseling help? If not, or if you have already tried it, and there are no kids involved, I'd divorce. You shouldn't have to feel chained to someone so selfish as your wife sounds.

[Ahoy!Chips]

I have thought about suggesting it I am just not sure I would have the desire to even try at this point. I feel like I have sent out cries for help both literally and figuratively and while promises are made the best I have achieved is 30 minutes of us both cleaning one day. Then she gets over whelmed and asks to stop until "tomorrow" which when I ask to clean again she either doesn't feel well or asks to do it "later"

Too many broken promises could be the tag line for how I feel about our relationship

[hannabee]

All partnerships should be 100/100% given by each person. Your wife, as you describe her, sounds quite self absorbed and a bit lazy. You need professional help to deal with this. Please get some asap. Don't bring any kids into this mess, that is for sure. You deserve better and you need to lay it all out on the table or you are simply wasting your precious life being unhappy. Big hug and good luck!