relationship with potentially bipolar male

Hello, I'm going to get straight to it. I went out with someone last year and everything was amazing. There were a few things that seemed odd but they were mostly money/credit related and I don't care about that too much, I make my own money.
Anyway, 3 or 4 months into dating we have the talk about getting more serious and moving into committed territory. This is around June or July. I had planned a trip to Hawaii by myself for my birthday, to which he invited himself along and I allowed him to do that though I wanted to have some time to myself I felt bad telling him he couldn't stay the whole time.
From the minute we got there he seemed really stressed, he had just been fired from a job he only had for a few months. He picked a fight with me over every little thing and I come from an abusive home and have learned to stand up for myself so I wasn't having it, he threatened to leave a few times and went out of the hotel room to the elevator. He didn't leave, I laughed because he didn't have a phone or money. The phone he had was part of his job so we he went phone less. So he's being up and down the whole trip and on my birthday he's not very nice or sweet at all, picked a fight with me over dinner. The next day I said we needed to talk and I said to him he needed to make up his mind if he wanted to be together or not and then stick with it because I don't need this **** in my life. he cries, tells me he loves me and wants to try. I think great, we get back home and he suggests we apply for an apartment together. After we filled out the application and didn't get it, he's still without a job, he suddenly tells me he doesn't know if he's gay or straight or whatever. So I say what?! ok, I take him seriously, he has some issues as I could see, so I offer to buy him a ticket back home so he can come out to everybody and start over. UHH ok. you still with me?

He doesn't ever leave, I catch him telling his roommate that he "broke up" with me and that he still liked me but that things just didn't work out. The next 3 months he won't talk to me, ignores my calls, I got him a phone in my name when we were good, and he won't pay me for it. he's not working, i write him just asking him to pay me and return my items from his home and that would be it. Somehow in January he ends up falling out of grace with his roommate, he lets me talk to him about some of his past and his current issues around money and depression and we slowly begin talking frequently, I didn't expect much. He jumps right back in, says he's always loved me that he really wants to try and so on, he's getting ready to move in with me and then in april he tells me he can't even be friends, pretty much over night. We had some arguments sure, but I feel so stupid, I fell for this **** again. He owes me about 2k and has some items of mine at his house which he refuses to return. Thing is we live in the same neighborhood, I see him all the time and he ducks me. Writes me nasty emails about how I'm the reason his life was bad, he never loved me etc etc, he shaved his head into a mohawk and got a tattoo, never gave me a nickel on my loans. He got a job in March, with a resume I wrote for him, he is still working there thank god. he doesn't have any family in town and his friends are just people he has drinks with, or whatever. not real friendships, he can't stand getting close to people.

I'm getting ready to file a small claims court case for the money tomorrow and I have written the relationship off, I've told him I think that he is ill. His father had a long stint with heavy drug addiction and homelessness, they are both great illustrators, amazing artists. I'm still sad but I have to move on with my life and he has never been really great to me anyway. I should mention this story, the night before we went to hawaii i had a small pre birthday gathering for myself with some friends, nothing big, just six or seven people hanging out talking and he seemed to have an ok time there but when we got home he said to me "none of your friends really liked you because of the way you talked over everyone" I had no idea what he was talking about, I'm a great listener so I wrote it off as him being jealous or whatever because I was the center of attention for a minute or two. He also binge eats on nasty foods, it's insane to watch him eat huge amounts of garbage. he has admitted to me once that he was suicidal in december. it took him 6 months to apply for a job after we got home from hawaii and he had no explanation for that. His unemployment led me to loan him money for rent and whatnot, he's very charming and his roommate let him live rent free for some of the months during which we weren't talking.

So my question is this, how consistent is this with bipolar? and also, I have access to the contact information for his sister and father and I would like to tell them about my suspicion but i want to make sure that this isn't weird or overstepping my boundaries. as i'm sure that he would hate to find out i did that and immediately negate it by calling me a crazy *****. Thank you to everyone who took the time reading this rant and I hope you have some thoughts to share with me.

I don't see anything in your account that screams bipolar. It's certainly possible, and some of the things your ex did and said seem "off," but that does not necessarily mean bipolar. He could have a different mental illness. He could not have one at all. It would take a lot of time with him being face-to-face with a therapist or psychiatrist to figure that out.

Given that, I wonder what the benefit of you contacting his sister or father would be. I don't think it would be helpful for you to speculate to them that he is bipolar. I suppose you could explain some of his erratic behaviors and just say that you are worried. But if he is not estranged from them, I have to think that maybe they have experienced some of this behavior first hand. It is unlikely that they are totally in the dark.

It sounds like you already told him you think he may be ill and needs help. I think this was really all you could do without putting yourself back into his life. And if you are going to continue a court claim against him, it may be be unadvisable to keep contacting him.

Hi,

Wow! sounds like this person definitely has some problems with honesty and general acceptable social behavior, but I do agree with krminnj that I do not see any signs of bipolar in your description.

Bipolar is characterized by marked periods of Mania and Depression. Here are the signs of each:

Mania
The DSM defines mania as a “distinct period during which there is an abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood.” The episode must last at least a week. The mood must have at least three of the following symptoms:

inflated self-esteem
little need for sleep
pressure of speech (talking constantly)
flight of ideas
easily distracted
excess pursuit of goal-directed activities or psychomotor agitation (pacing, hand wringing, etc.)
excess pursuit of pleasure with a high risk of danger

Depression
The DSM states that a major depressive episode must have at least four of the following symptoms. They should be new or suddenly worse. They must last for at least two weeks.

changes in appetite or weight, sleep, or psychomotor activity
decreased energy
feelings of worthlessness or guilt
trouble thinking, concentrating, or making decisions
thoughts of death or suicidal plans or attempts

While his behavior was and is unacceptable from a mature relationship standpoint, I did not see anything in the description given that appears to match the criteria that medical doctors use to diagnose bipolar disorder.

I am curious about how ideas that bipolar might be in play came to mind. To me, he just sounds like a jerk. Thanks and good luck,

moogs

I suppose I told the story more in chronological order as it happened to me, not what I've witnessed in him.
Wouldn't you say that it's hard to go down a checklist of all the symptoms? I've seen enough to believe that there is more going on than just being an asshole.

Thanks for your responses. I'm looking for an explanation for how someone can flip between two opposites so fluently.

I read your post twice.. I have to say I see nothing that is "bipolar-ish"

People can flip moods just because they can.. it doesn't mean there is any mental illness to blame for it. Some people are flaky and change there mind like I change my nail polish.

If your calling it Bipolar will help you tie up the loose ends in your mind about your relationship with him and be able to move on , then by all means do so.

If nothing else you have learned a lesson from this.. Don't tie yourself financially to anyone so soon in a relationship. Maybe taking him to court will help you move forward.

Welcome to PC

Cool. Yeah I am not sure if Bipolar is the root cause here. But let's for a second say that it is a condition he has, and it's causing some or most of the issues. What will that change for you? Will you recommend treatment options for him? Will you feel better or worse about the situation as it is today?

I want you to find relief from the stress and challenges of the situation and would like to understand how a diagnosis of bipolar or not for him would help.

Thanks,

moogs

lol Yeah, he's an immature asshole, not bipolar.