Ok, I am a 27 year old female I suffer from an enormous amount of mental d/o. The main problems are Borderline Personality Disorder. My boyfriend, 24, of almost 3 years suffers from NPD or "Dark Tirad". I've been begging him to go to see a psychiatrist or just even a therapist to help him get out his feelings. Recently I've come to find out he completely down right lied to me about everything! In the beginning everything was equal between us. Recently, him and I have had a really hard time (mostly me) because I found a TON of porn on OUR browser history. Please keep in mind I did NOT violate his privacy, we share this I am allowed to go into my own history as well. What I found made me sick. My Boyfriend lied about not watching porn "it did nothing for him." "he's got the real thing right here(me) he doesn't need it." I came across a certain website he went to frequently. NOW I have no problem w him masturbating to porn at all. Even if he did tell me, I wouldn't care but it's out of control now. 5/6 times A DAY he NEEDS to go to this site. Which in turn means he NEEDS to masturbate that many times. When I went back into the history it wasn't so bad, atleast 4 times a week. Since May of this year he's been obsessed with it. It's erotic sex stories. Most of them are sick (not even the best word to describe it exactly) :
He completely disturbed me and changed the way I look at him now. I NEVER would have thought this of him not in a million years. He knows that I can't look at him the same anymore so he's been lashing out on me. He doesn't enjoy sex with me anymore. 2 min sex so he can ejaculate, he's just not into pleasing me anymore. He bought me a rabbit & its like "ok I(he) got what I wanted you can please yourself now" makes me feel so unloved, unwanted, pushed away, ugly, deeply depressed. I cry EVERY night for the last week because this is how it's been. Before finding his secrets out he had NO problem staying awake JUST to please me. Now I'm lucky enough to get a hug anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know why he's got to push me away and pull me back all the time. I mean theres other things in the past he's lied about that I always found and he ACTED like he cared and felt bad that he did them... but he just kept doing them. That's when I realized he's not mentally correct. I had him go to the hospital for an inpatient stay a year ago, and that's when he was diagnosed as having Narcissism. I love him very much, I don't want to abandon him as I know what it's like to feel that way and I don't want to cause him any pain. I'm afraid of what he might do, not to me... but to other people when he's already THIS mad. My MAIN concern is my children, I have a 4 year old daughter and a 10 year old son... he is NOT around them alone, nor is he hardly ever around them in general. I keep my relationships and my kids separate until I know its real love. I do realize it's been just about 3 years we've been together BUT after all the lies I've caught him in, I couldn't let him around my kids too often. Once in a while I'll allow him to come with me and the kids some where, or if him and my son want to watch Dragon Ball z and play Pokemon I allow it, when I am there in the same room. I never understood why my gut was trying to tell me to not leave him alone with them but never a reason. He didn't give off the pedophile vibe ever to me, not once! I don't think thats his biggest obsession though when it comes to his sick twisted fantasies. From what I could see he only visited those kind of stories once in a great great greeeaaattt while.
NOW he used to bring it up before I found all this history, he'd talk about it during sex (pillow talk) because it turned him on, so I just eventually went along with it because I thought he was just fantasizing. It only got WORSE ! That was ALL he talked about during sex for an entire month leading up to me finding the history. He wanted to have sex with me because he could think of what he read ALL day several times. Now, because he KNOWS I will never ever ever have sex with another guy in front of him, I guess he kind of resents me already? I can't tell by his behaviors lately. I mean they SCREAM I don't love you anymore. Is it because I deny his fantasy he's acting this way? Or is it because I finally unmasked the evil under? I seriously want to try and get him into serious therapy. I thought the talking to other girls constantly looking for sympathy because his GF (me) had BPD and he'd lie... tell them I beat on him, cheated on him, stole from him, I'd drink and black out on him... now I only did ONE thing out of all those... which was black out on him while drinking BUT in the beginning I did it probably no less than 2 months into our relationship. BOTH me and my Mother told him I am not allowed to drink, but stupid me did it anyway because everyone else was and I thought I'd be fine... well I wasn't. Ended up inpatient the very next morning. Basically... Does anyone know of anything healthy I can do myself to help him feel his emotions and show them... or atleast stop treating me like he has been? He used to tell me "I dont yell or scream at you because I love you, I don't want to hurt you anymore" now, all he DOES is scream at me, call me names, accuse me of ****... it's so out of control now.
I stay up all night crying due to my night terrors and hes been able to sleep like a baby with a pacifier since the very first day I found all this out. I get no feedback from him at all, he just works, goes home at 9, then comes to my house and within 5 mins he's already knocked out or he'll have sex with me for 2 mins and go to sleep directly after... he actually fell asleep during sex last night and got mad at me bc I was crying. He's NEVER fallen asleep during sex... I was on top of him! he just shut his eyes and started snoring... clearly that makes me feel like I'm not the person that turned you on from the beginning whatever you read you remembered and thought of that the ENTIRE time because he HAS to push my head down near his shoulder whenever we have sex (even before all this) and he told me "its because i can grip you better" I dont see the difference but he didnt want to look at me is what it felt like.
I'm so emotionally drained, physically unsatisfied, I'm a train wreck. Please help me!
Sep 03, 2015, 04:16 PM
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.
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