[llleeelllaaannneee]

Something good happened at Thanksgiving. It was unfortunate and frustrating at the time but I think, overall, it was definitely for the best.

My sister displays nearly all the traits of an individual with bpd. All her problems are the result of other people, she complains constantly about how these people have wronged her, she always one ups your pain to a ridiculous degree (her hang nail is worse than your surgery). Unfortunately I have always taken on the role of pacifier. I've patiently listened to her for hours (despite periods of ill health of my own barely mentioned in these long sessions) and provided her with sympathy and "you poor thing" responses even when her stories were far fetched, unbelievable and obvious over reactions because that was what she sought from me.

I always knew, tho not in the conscious way I now know, that I would end up on her "bad" person list if I stopped playing my role. I'm ready to stop, I have to for my own well being and I'm prepared to be cast as yet another person she is a victim of. I'll continue to be kind and considerate I'm just not going to walk on eggshells and contort myself and validate crazy-making to avoid her wrath. Basically, I'm learning to emotionally disengage from what's been a seriously dysfunctional dynamic with this sister since we were kids. I realize that while supplying her emotional needs was my way of surviving her bullying as a child, I'm an adult now and don't have to do it.

My two other siblings have not had the same relationship with her. While she has sought to have it with them they're actually a lot healthier (emotionally) than me and haven't become enmeshed like I have. Because they have better boundaries my bpd sister thinks the other two don't care and I own up to having bought and even liked my "sister that cares" status.

What happened at Thanksgiving was good because without my sister's in laws in town (they're in the top 3 of people she's the benevolent victim of) she had to stir up some drama and sent it the way of me and my other sister.

I don't want my other siblings on this sisters "bad" people list but I can't deny that one or both being cast as victimizer is kind of a relief. I have a decent relationship with my other siblings so I don't fear this sister turning them against me. My other siblings are also kind and reasonable people and not the type to take sides. Thing is, this sister could make my life very difficult in the future and I've never known how aware they are of her borderline framework for interacting with others/the world.

Knowing at least one has gotten a clear taste of being inappropriately cast as one of her victimizers is likely to make my life a little easier in the future. She's in the position of being the person in legal and financial authority of my parents and their assets in the future. She's devoted much energy and time to this role. When you're on her bad list she's a tyrant but if you're on her good list she's really people pleasing and needy. Regardless if what my other siblings realize or don't (and I'm not gonna try to convince them of anything because it would feel like crazy making to do so), I'm gonna do what I need to do for my well being. But, I do feel a lot safer about the future knowing my other siblings have at least a little clue.

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing your insight, llleeelllaaannneee. Yes, boundaries are very important for all of us. Ultimately, I believe, each of us must take responsibility for ourselves. If we cannot, or will not, others cannot do it for us. I wish you well...

[llleeelllaaannneee]

Thanks

I feel like I've "grown up" so much this year. I've really been working on personal responsibility for my health and I think it's starting to pay off. Realizing I have no control over any of my siblings (or anyone generally) and that my well being is not dependent on anyone else has been a huge relief. If people are supportive of me and/or my view that's just icing on the cake.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by llleeelllaaannneee

Something good happened at Thanksgiving. It was unfortunate and frustrating at the time but I think, overall, it was definitely for the best.

My sister displays nearly all the traits of an individual with bpd. All her problems are the result of other people, she complains constantly about how these people have wronged her, she always one ups your pain to a ridiculous degree (her hang nail is worse than your surgery). Unfortunately I have always taken on the role of pacifier. I've patiently listened to her for hours (despite periods of ill health of my own barely mentioned in these long sessions) and provided her with sympathy and "you poor thing" responses even when her stories were far fetched, unbelievable and obvious over reactions because that was what she sought from me.

I always knew, tho not in the conscious way I now know, that I would end up on her "bad" person list if I stopped playing my role. I'm ready to stop, I have to for my own well being and I'm prepared to be cast as yet another person she is a victim of. I'll continue to be kind and considerate I'm just not going to walk on eggshells and contort myself and validate crazy-making to avoid her wrath. Basically, I'm learning to emotionally disengage from what's been a seriously dysfunctional dynamic with this sister since we were kids. I realize that while supplying her emotional needs was my way of surviving her bullying as a child, I'm an adult now and don't have to do it.

My two other siblings have not had the same relationship with her. While she has sought to have it with them they're actually a lot healthier (emotionally) than me and haven't become enmeshed like I have. Because they have better boundaries my bpd sister thinks the other two don't care and I own up to having bought and even liked my "sister that cares" status.

What happened at Thanksgiving was good because without my sister's in laws in town (they're in the top 3 of people she's the benevolent victim of) she had to stir up some drama and sent it the way of me and my other sister.

I don't want my other siblings on this sisters "bad" people list but I can't deny that one or both being cast as victimizer is kind of a relief. I have a decent relationship with my other siblings so I don't fear this sister turning them against me. My other siblings are also kind and reasonable people and not the type to take sides. Thing is, this sister could make my life very difficult in the future and I've never known how aware they are of her borderline framework for interacting with others/the world.

Knowing at least one has gotten a clear taste of being inappropriately cast as one of her victimizers is likely to make my life a little easier in the future. She's in the position of being the person in legal and financial authority of my parents and their assets in the future. She's devoted much energy and time to this role. When you're on her bad list she's a tyrant but if you're on her good list she's really people pleasing and needy. Regardless if what my other siblings realize or don't (and I'm not gonna try to convince them of anything because it would feel like crazy making to do so), I'm gonna do what I need to do for my well being. But, I do feel a lot safer about the future knowing my other siblings have at least a little clue.

Sounds like NPD more than BPD... You are definitely on the right track doing what you need to do for yourself and your well being!

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by llleeelllaaannneee

Something good happened at Thanksgiving. It was unfortunate and frustrating at the time but I think, overall, it was definitely for the best.

My sister displays nearly all the traits of an individual with bpd. All her problems are the result of other people, she complains constantly about how these people have wronged her, she always one ups your pain to a ridiculous degree (her hang nail is worse than your surgery). Unfortunately I have always taken on the role of pacifier. I've patiently listened to her for hours (despite periods of ill health of my own barely mentioned in these long sessions) and provided her with sympathy and "you poor thing" responses even when her stories were far fetched, unbelievable and obvious over reactions because that was what she sought from me.

I always knew, tho not in the conscious way I now know, that I would end up on her "bad" person list if I stopped playing my role. I'm ready to stop, I have to for my own well being and I'm prepared to be cast as yet another person she is a victim of. I'll continue to be kind and considerate I'm just not going to walk on eggshells and contort myself and validate crazy-making to avoid her wrath. Basically, I'm learning to emotionally disengage from what's been a seriously dysfunctional dynamic with this sister since we were kids. I realize that while supplying her emotional needs was my way of surviving her bullying as a child, I'm an adult now and don't have to do it.

My two other siblings have not had the same relationship with her. While she has sought to have it with them they're actually a lot healthier (emotionally) than me and haven't become enmeshed like I have. Because they have better boundaries my bpd sister thinks the other two don't care and I own up to having bought and even liked my "sister that cares" status.

What happened at Thanksgiving was good because without my sister's in laws in town (they're in the top 3 of people she's the benevolent victim of) she had to stir up some drama and sent it the way of me and my other sister.

I don't want my other siblings on this sisters "bad" people list but I can't deny that one or both being cast as victimizer is kind of a relief. I have a decent relationship with my other siblings so I don't fear this sister turning them against me. My other siblings are also kind and reasonable people and not the type to take sides. Thing is, this sister could make my life very difficult in the future and I've never known how aware they are of her borderline framework for interacting with others/the world.

Knowing at least one has gotten a clear taste of being inappropriately cast as one of her victimizers is likely to make my life a little easier in the future. She's in the position of being the person in legal and financial authority of my parents and their assets in the future. She's devoted much energy and time to this role. When you're on her bad list she's a tyrant but if you're on her good list she's really people pleasing and needy. Regardless if what my other siblings realize or don't (and I'm not gonna try to convince them of anything because it would feel like crazy making to do so), I'm gonna do what I need to do for my well being. But, I do feel a lot safer about the future knowing my other siblings have at least a little clue.

As someone that deals with BPD myself, I can say that yes, we tend to "blame" others irrationally at times when out emotions become over exaggerated - on the other end of that spectrum I can also say that many people that deal with BPD deal with it because of significant trauma or loss in their childhood - and in that aspect it can be viewed as (at least partially) other people's fault (though maybe not the person the finger is currently being pointed at for the exaggerated emotions). I can also tell you MOST people with BPD do not abuse others - for the simple fact most of us went through abuse as a child and thar is in part what culminated in ultimately having to deal with BPD so we understand the horrific pain it can cause. There are other personality disorders that do tend to go hand in hand with abuse - NPD and ASPD are two such personality disorders, of the two I would agree with the previous respondant in saying NPD sounds more likely, though I am by no means a psychiatrist so will not try to diagnose. I do think you are doing the right thing in no longer being a bit of an enabler to her - but I think it would also be beneficial to explain to her that you still love her and that will never change but you need to set boundaries so you can be your own person now too.

[estrella]

My mother always told me that if you didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. She was also the one who told me that words can never hurt, but hers always did. Regardless, this is my second attempt at writing this reply. So many times I sugar coat things to avoid drama and attention to my true feelings. I had to step back and try to see this from another perspective. Here it goes.


You, go on, be your own person. It is the healthiest choice you can make. Thats how II evaded further abuse from my mother. Do what you think is appropriate and best for you. It's your life and you need to do what you need to do in order to keep your own sanity. This I completely am in support of. I've done it, and am much happier without being an enabler and my own person.

If your sister is not formally diagnosed with borderline personality, get your head out of the books and stop assuming. As previous responders have stated, what you're describing sounds more like NPD than BPD, and is also triggered by events of trauma. But we are not doctors and are unable to give any kind of diagnosis, just insight.

Now, in terms of borderline, we often don't abuse people, we abuse ourselves. Most of it quite often is directed inward at ourselves, because all we've known is abuse and the pain it can cause. Why would we do that to someone else, right?

What really got my goat in this post is that people who don't have BPD often don't "get it." To quite a few on the outside, we are insane, drama queens, abusive, and downright evil. But rest assured...if those who say that we are those things (and I've heard all of them before, plus some) and the feelings that arise from those are repressed and invalidated, we bottle them up, up, up, and once we explode, there is no going back.

Why corner any animal and expect it not to attack when it begins to feel threatened?

Beat of luck.

[avlady]

i think the boundries must be set and you should not blame yourself for your sisters problems. we do have to do this for ourselves. good luck

[llleeelllaaannneee]

Just wanted to say I appreciate the replies to my post. I also want to thank Estrella directly for responding and the PM (that I read as written with kindness and consideration).

After I wrote this post it didn't really sit well with me that I used "bpd" as a quick descriptor of my sister. I feel I was being sloppy and insensitive. I've noticed that people often equate difficulties with people with the diagnosis in much the same way bipolar gets tossed around as a descriptor for people that act out with violence. Much like I know for fact that people with bipolar are not inherently violent, people with bpd are not inherently difficult and bullying.

So, I want to apologize. I believe I could have easily written my post without mentioning the label "bpd". I believe that while the abuse from our childhoods informs my own and my sister's present challenges in life that we are still individuals beyond any possible diagnosis and make choices that are unique to ourselves.

If my post contributed to anyone's sense of being further stigmatized for being one that struggles with a mental health condition, I sincerely apologize.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Your sister and my sister are similar. I know what it is like to have a joy-sucking vampire around. Hope that doesn't offend.

Luckily for me,my sister wants nothing to do with me (I'm on her "bad" person list)so I'm not in your exact position.

I'm uncomfortable with this person being in charge of your parent's assets in the future, as I would not trust my sister. Anyway you could have a chat with your parents about this?