[zebrafish]

Hi everyone. I'll try to keep this short, but it's not easy... Also I apologize if my English is bad, I'm not native speaker.

What's the problem here. I have a boyfriend, in his late twenties. Lately, I got worried about him. I don't know him for that long, we met only in summer 2014. He's very inteligent but a shy guy, introverted, a bit socially awkward. It never bothered me though and I love him a lot. But I know he has some traits that are hard to understand even for his family members. For instance, his sister in law is convinced he has Aspergers. But I've read a lot about AS last summer and it just doesn't fit. And my bf even did a self diagnostic test and his score was low. I'm mentioning this just to make you see I'm not the only one who is sometimes concerned about his behaviour.

I thought he might be suffering from depression. He often complains on headaches or backaches and has moments of complete shut-downs, when he doesn't respond to my calls, or to his family, and doesn't go to work. It can last from a few days to 2 weeks (during these longer periods he contacts me every few days at least but he wants to meet me less often that usual and he's saying he couldn't go to work because he felt "weird" or tired or sick). A few times during our relationship he wanted to break up with me stating he only makes me suffer (it's rubbish of course...). I talked to him about it all and he agreed he gets very low moments but that he doesn't find it necessary (bad enough) to see the doc. But at least I persuaded him to go to see at least a physician as his symptoms might be caused by some physical illness. He was supposed to go there this week but changed his mind and didn't go there yet...

In the meantime, I realized other things. He sometimes (quite often, frankly) starts talking about his big plans "how to change the world". He wants to talk to president. He wants to change political system into a better one. He wants to change scolar system. Or eliminate fake advertisements on web. He even intends to start a brand new society! Then he wants to make a web about this, that, everything. He bought already at least 6 domains (and then put nothing there). Btw some of his plans are quite detailed and not bad really, he just wants to work on everything at once and the result is nothing. And he adds new and new things to his "list". His job issues are getting worse and his boss is angry at him for skipping so often... When he tells me about these plans, he speaks quicker and louder than usual (last week even people in the bus started staring at us because of that) and he walks up and down.

His sleep habits are weird. He often stays up whole night - several times he said he didn't notice it was night already until the sunrise. Other times he says he couldn't fall asleep so he was thinking about xyz (and then the grandiose-plans-talk starts). But sometimes he seems to be sleeping ALL THE TIME. He also forgets to eat. Sometimes he doesn't eat for two whole days.

Despite all, I wasn't sure if this really can be a result of mental illness or it's just the way he is. What really opened up my eyes was a clear suicidal threat he made in October 2014 in a text to his mother. I found it out 2 weeks ago when he forgot his phone (I still feel bad for intruding his privacy like that, but the gut feeling that there might be something I need to know very strong (at least I wasn't looking for proofs he's cheating on me or anything like that)). Looking back to our conversations, I've realized he talks about death more often than anyone else I know.

Since last September, his mother got my phone number and called me several times asking me if I don't know what's wrong with him. She told me he was a troubleless child but now it's as if he was a different person (skipping job etc.).Obviously, I still can't be sure whether he is bipolar or not. I know it's not possible for any of you to say, but his behavior is... suspicious. What do you think?

And my main concern is: how on earth should I speak to him about this? I'm not a great conversationalist, he doesn't open up easily and I don't want to lose his trust by insensitive talking about his mental health. I talked to him about deppresion once, a few month ago, he said going to psychiatrist wouldn't change anything. And I doubt he even knows what's bipolar disorder, I mean there's a stigma on depression and on seeing mental health specialist but at least people know that something like that exist. I'm terrified he might be suicidal (the threat I found was from more than a year ago but it doesn't mean it's not still in his head). How would you guys like to be approached by your closed ones if you didn't yet know you had this disorded and they would be the first who noticed you might have it? Any help is much appreciated.

[zebrafish]

no advice?

Tell him what you told us.

I'm not sure it's your place to tell him he might be bipolar. It isn't wise for anyone w/o extensive training to presume to diagnose anyone. From what you wrote I'd agree that there may be something wrong. What you might do is share your interest in the research you've done and see if he picks up on the clues that you did that... there may be a mental health issue going on with him. Good luck

[lizardlady]

What if you told him you were concerned about him, then do what George suggested and share what you told us. I would avoid talk of any specific disorder. Just let him know you are worried. You mentioned he complains of back aches, headaches and feeling sick. Maybe he would be willing to see his medical doctor for a check up? It's always a good idea to make sure there is nothing medically wrong before deciding there's a mental health problem.

[Moogieotter]

Yeah. Sorry you are struggling. If he's mature and wants a good relationship and career, he should be willing to at least talk to a therapist or go to couples's counseling with you.

Like the others said, you could just be honest and explain that it is not criticism, but loving concern. Just link him to here if you really want to show him your actual thoughts.

I think it's important to take care of yourself by making some boundaries or limits to what you would do to help in this relationship without damaging youself.

Good luck and keep posting!

moogs

[Wanderlust90]

Yeh don't start off by saying "I think your bipolar," but by approaching him gently saying that you have noticed changes in his behaviour & want to reach out to him incase he wants some help. Even if his mum brings up concerns about how he is feeling sometimes in regards to the suicidal messages. Inform him that if he's not feeling 100% to go see his GP about the headaches etc, if they are thorough there's every chance they will question him about his mood if he presents with vague physical concerns like mentioned, & he may end up receiving a referral for evaluation. Just gentle prods to ensure he's aware that he can reach out. & it might start him thinking about it on his own & seeking out help anyway. It's hard to see the reality of it all when your hypomanic. Wait until he's feeling low maybe?

[zebrafish]

thank you very much for all the replies. I'm so glad I found this forum

Originally Posted by Moogieotter

I think it's important to take care of yourself by making some boundaries or limits to what you would do to help in this relationship without damaging youself.

thanks a lot. Yeah, I'm trying not to let it affect me too much. And it's not easy...

Originally Posted by lizardlady

What if you told him you were concerned about him, then do what George suggested and share what you told us. I would avoid talk of any specific disorder. Just let him know you are worried. You mentioned he complains of back aches, headaches and feeling sick. Maybe he would be willing to see his medical doctor for a check up? It's always a good idea to make sure there is nothing medically wrong before deciding there's a mental health problem.

I did this already, once via Skype text messages (to give him time to process it, so he wouldn't feel the urge to just change uncomfortable topic - as I've mentioned, he's introverted and doesn't really like talking about his feelings, health etc.) and then in person as well. And he agreed to go to a check up to MD but then changed his mind...

Originally Posted by Wanderlust90

It's hard to see the reality of it all when your hypomanic. Wait until he's feeling low maybe?

It seems I'll have to do that because now he thinks that nothing bad has ever happened, he doesn't see any of his behaviour as problematic.

Btw, yesterday we had a little argument. At least I was arguing. I called him when I was tired and a bit grumpy - baad idea. I asked him if he already went to the dentist (he was supposed to go to dentist and MD last week. I knew he didn't go to MD so I didn't have to ask about that). He was like nooo, not yet, maybe I will go tomorrow... It made me angry because he went to his parents' place already 10 days ago (that's where his doctors are) so I told him some mean things about it, like I don't get why he said he would go there when it was obvious he always procrastinates on everything and only talks about things and then never get them done, he's been at home for a week and half and couldn't do something as simple as going to doc - which was the reason why he went home in the first place, and yada yada... Also I reminded him of his headaches and fatigue and told him what postponing of going to doctor caused me (for 6 months I thought I was just tired and that it was normal to fall asleep everywhere I sat and then when I finally got checked up, I had serious problem with thyroid gland) and that I don't know what he's waiting for. In the end he promised he would go to the doctor today. I just really hope he did. It was the first time I was nagging him so I'm ashamed but if it helped, I guess it would be worth it. But I hate pushing him like this and acting like his mom, not girlfriend...

[Wanderlust90]

Don't feel bad, sometimes people need a gentle push from the loved ones around them who obviously care. If he's truely has bipolar I would imagine in time he will be thankful for your concern & desire to help him cope.

[Trippin2.0]

My BF just said to me one day during a particularly unstable time; "You know I love you to death right? But you're also *****ing crazy, always have been, so now can we please lets make an appointment to find out what we're dealing with before it gets even more out of hand, you have Jordan (my daughter) to consider..." lol


Worked for me


Not everyone is open to such blunt honesty tho, so best you incorporate the suggestions before mine


Good luck

[zebrafish]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

My BF just said to me one day during a particularly unstable time; "You know I love you to death right? But you're also *****ing crazy, always have been, so now can we please lets make an appointment to find out what we're dealing with before it gets even more out of hand, you have Jordan (my daughter) to consider..." lol

Worked for me

lol, I love that I'll definitely keep it in my mind as an option

[zebrafish]

Originally Posted by zebrafish

lol, I love that I'll definitely keep it in my mind as an option

I think I’m gonna give him some ultimatum now. I don’t know if that’s the best idea but I’ve had enough of this crap.
I’ve mentioned he was supposed to go to medical doc last week (after I was mean to him, he promised he would go there). He did, but came too late so they didn’t take his blood for testing and told him to come the next day (Thursday). He didn’t. Told me he went there on Friday but again too late. I found that ridiculous but decided to let it go. He’s a grown man, I’m not his mommy, it’s his business, his health. He came to see me on Friday evening, it was the first time we saw each other after 2 weeks, so I was happy to see him. He stayed until Sunday and we had a great time. On Monday we texted a bit - just about some funny things. On Tuesday morning I’ve seen he spent a whole night on a forum (not this one but another one where both of us go) writing looong posts about all kind of things, most of them were related to his unrealistic plans (these posts were sent at times like midnight, 3 am, 5:30 am, 6 am… So I know he spent whole night there). Yesterday I didn’t hear from him at all but in the evening his mother called. She asked me if I knew something about him because he’s not picking up calls again and he didn’t go to job despite he reassured her he’d definitely go there this week (the last time he showed up there was in December!). I don’t know if I’ve mentioned his boss knows her - so when they need him to come and he doesn’t pick up calls from him, he always calls her. And then she calls me, because he’s not picking up her calls either. The trouble is, if he already doesn’t respond to his mom and his boss, there’s 99 % probability he won’t respond to me either. However, I tried calling him twice, at 8 pm and 10 pm. No response so far, it’s Wednesday afternoon here already.

Yesterday I was really angry, sad, annoyed, disappointed, I felt all the negative emotions possible. I’m unable to stay detached from this. I managed to calm down and fall asleep without thinking about him and even in the morning I was still quite calm but now I feel just empty. This is totally irresponsible behaviour, whether he’s ill or not, and I hate that. I want to tell him that I’m not gonna deal with this crap anymore (skipping job and other issues – btw calls from his mother similar to this one happened at least 7 times in past 5 months, that’s a little bit too much). If he admits there is a problem and he’ll want to solve it, I’m here for him, otherwise I’m gone. If he’s just lazy, this is the last chance to come to his senses. Otherwise I’m gone…

[Moogieotter]

Hello,

I think you are doing a good job looking out for yourself here. Nicely done. Sorry you are struggling still. Good luck and keep us posted.

moogs

[comethisfar]

Zebrafish, don't lose the certainty with which you know what's good for you. You are right in asserting you are not his mother, caregiver, nanny. You deserve to be treated with consideration and decency. Having said that, reacting to him out of a strong emotion (anger, sadness) is likely to make things worse. If you put an ultimatum to him (and I am NOT saying it's a bad idea) it is probably wise to think it through and deliver it calmly and sincerely. If you set a limit you may have to follow through on the consequences. If you are able to deliver that calmly and with respect for him it is more likely to be taken seriously by him and you will feel a lot better about yourself. Best of luck!

[zebrafish]

thank you a lot, Moogieotter and comethisfar, for your support. From my previous experiences with his withdrawal and stuff I know I have to talk to him as soon as possible - before I start missing him so much that I'd forget and forgive everything. On the other hand, I agree I shouldn't talk to him in an angry or desperate way. I already wrote down what I want to tell him. Reading it to him should help me stay calm and not forget anything important...

[zebrafish]

Yesterday evening I tried to call him again. I prepared my “speech”, but he didn’t pick up the phone. But I know he’s alive, he was online and posted on a forum later. I can’t believe that only a few days ago we were laughing together, cooking, making kissing selfies, cuddling, sleeping in one bed, he was even using my tooth brush cuz he forgot to bring his. When we were parting, he gave me a long bear hug, multiple kisses, said he loved me… And now I can’t reach him at all and he apparently doesn’t want to reach me and doesn’t care he missed already 3 calls from me. It sucks so much; I mustn’t think about it, it only makes everything worse. This is just another example of why I can’t accept his behaviour in our relationship anymore…

PS: now I'm hesitating whether I should try calling him everyday until he picks it up, tell him what I have to say and drop it, OR wait till he contacts me and then say it, or wait till he calls, ignore his first three attempts and only then pick it up or, in case he doesn't give me an opportunity to talk to him within next few days, write him an e-mail...

[comethisfar]

Zebrafish, you are forgetting the option to wait for him to contact you and if he doesn't after a few days to drop it altogether and move on with your life without your BF. If he wants to get well and he wants to be with you he can and should choose to do so without you having to pursue him, no?

[zebrafish]

Originally Posted by comethisfar

Zebrafish, you are forgetting the option to wait for him to contact you and if he doesn't after a few days to drop it altogether and move on with your life without your BF. If he wants to get well and he wants to be with you he can and should choose to do so without you having to pursue him, no?

comethisfar, I'd agree if it was a few weeks old relationship. But we've been together for 17 months and I really can't imagine moving on without any closure... Even if it had to be only one-sided (i. e. me sending e-mail, him not responding to it). It would be too absurd if our last interaction in the relationship was a long hug, smile, kiss and wishing good night But I'm pretty sure that if I wait, he'll contact me (and probably act like everything's okay). I don't want to pursue him but... well, it doesn't matter right now, today I'm too tired to try talking to him anyway. I'd probably ignore him even if he called. I'm trying to stay calm, go on with my life, not wait around for his call and especially NOT LOOK FOR EXCUSES FOR HIS BEHAVIOUR - and I think I'm doing a pretty good job during day, but last night I slept badly and woke up 3 times during the night, always thinking about him/us

[zebrafish]

on Friday morning he texted: "I'm sorry I didn't write earlier, I've felt a little weird lately... we could meet this afternoon if you'd like to, or I could come and see you on my way from work if you want." Despite that the tone of the text seemed to me as if he was offering to do me some favor, I was going to my parents' place in the afternoon anyway. So I replied only a few hours later when I was already on my way and I said nothing more than that I'm already leaving the town. He also sent me a flower on Skype which I ignored and in the evening he called. It was around the time when I usually go to bed and even though I wasn't sleeping yet, I decided not to respond. He then sent a good night text (to which I didn't respond either). I'm not trying to punish him, I just don't know what I want to say and do right now. Today I remembered a song (Pocahontas 2) that I didn't hear for years, called Where do I go from here. That's how I feel...