[maltopsy]

I hope I am posting this in the right place and if not I hope somebody can redirect me as to where this should go.

Simply put I am involved in an abusive relationship with my sister. To give you the brief overview I am a 27 year old male. I suffer from panic disorder and I am a recovering drug addict. I was clean for 3 years but after losing my mom I relapsed. I made the decision to move back home with my father so I could refocus, and shift my attention towards my recovery. Since making that decision I have recently finished school and just celebrated a year clean. However, as of the moment I am looking for work so most of my time is spent in meetings and at home. My sister (31) and her daughter (4) live with us.

I have always had a bad relationship with my sister. Our mother was an alcoholic and constantly struggled to get sober. My sister always clashed with her and usually would blame her for the problems in our family. She grew to detest me from a young age always claiming that I was the favorite. She would argue that our family was basically poor before I was born and somehow we got a bigger house and moved to a better neighborhood (I guess I must be valuable) and because of this resentment she has with me, our relationship through the years has alternated between terrible and great. She has exploded on me in fits of rage where she attacks me in extremely personal ways verbally. It has gotten physical only a few times but never anything beyond pushing and shoving. I won't deny that I have played a part in these fights but it always feels like she is engaging me in the fights and trying to rile me up. She has been suffering from extreme stress. She obsesses over the tidiness of the house always complaining of phantom odors (her solution is to boil mr.clean in a pot on the stove to freshen the place up which makes it hard to breathe in the house). She has explained to me that she thinks she has OCD and is constantly trying to lose weight despite being somewhat underweight to begin with. She mentions sometimes that she feels suicidal and was taking antidepressants to cope with her feelings but stopped taking them randomly because she didn't like feeling numbed out. She has become extremely isolated partly as a result of having a daughter to take care of and being so busy, but when she is not busy she mostly sits around the house stressing over various things and buying stuff online. She broke up with her ex husband because he was using drugs and her love life has yet to go anywhere since then. She went with me to a mets game over the summer and was drunkenly flirting with one of my friends because she is so lonely. She obsesses over guys who may or may not like her and won't talk about anything else other than her romantic problems and her neuroses. She in constantly berating my father claiming that he is helping me where he doesn't help her and treating him terribly in response. She is over involved with my financial situation asking him all about how much he is helping me ect.

She and I had a blowout fight the other week because I said good morning to her and she snapped at me. She tried to confront me and demanded that I listen to her reason for being upset. I told her I wasn't interested in talking (it was minutes after our confrontation) she exploded and began to call me a lazy sack of **** and a loser. I snapped and returned a barrage of insults and broke my door but I ended up leaving the house because I didn't want to be around it. She emailed me telling me how I was a piece of garbage and how our now deceased mom hated me and everyone hates me and that I am going to be a loser the rest of my life, basically every horrible thing you could say about another person. I was furious with her and decided I was done. I got a full-time job (starting within a matter of weeks) and I am in the process of raising the funds to move out. However the situation at home has become extremely uncomfortable. I am expecting an apology for the things she said in the email but I doubt that will happen. However she continues to try and talk to me as if nothing happened and to be honest, I choose to engage her and act the same way. I don't want to fight with her, I want us to get along but every time I do forgive her nothing gets resolved. Today she got angry about something so I immediately left the house without saying a word to her. She wrote me another long email chastising me about how I was using a mirror she left in the basement and that I shouldn't touch her stuff and how I spilled some coffee in the kitchen and didn't clean it up. Quite honestly I can see her point to an extent (I should have cleaned the coffee) but the rage with which she expresses these things makes me feel like ****. I am starting to blame myself for her behavior and find myself avoiding being at home to get away from it.

I guess what I am saying is that I feel like my sister is mentally Ill. I don't believe I am in a position to help her and I just want to get her out of my life. She has hurt me so badly and I just need to get away before she makes things worse. However I need a place to share these thoughts and get some feedback. I want to know if anyone has similar experience in dealing with this sort of situation and figured out a way to make living with it easier. I realize I have played a big part in our relationship suffering as well, but I feel so angry and resentful towards her that I don't think I can ever bring myself to forgive her and try to work through our problems. Any advice is welcomed.

[Victoria'smom]

It gets better when you move out.

Hi Maltopsy! I would have posted this in the AA thread because it is related. However here is more a social awareness so ty. You cannot afford to hold onto a resentment cause if you do you will go back out and use. If you dont forgive her for yourself you hold yourself back letting her take up space in your mind. You will never get an apology from your sister who is the blame game. She sounds like she blames everyone but no responsibility for herself, that is a typical AlAnon trait, dangerous to a recovering person in recovery. You are wise to move out. You tell your Dad how much you love him and appreciate everything he has done for you g2g, and then you invite him over to see your new place once you get situated. There are places like YMCA and that can get you out quicker and on your feet. Or you can google a search for boarding houses renting one rooms out and that will include everything. That will be good, some interaction and a well structured setting for you to save more over a period of time until you get on your feet financially to do what you want. It gives you time to take the time for yourself and continue in recovery without the worries of working 24/7 for something more expensive.
i hope these suggestions help you with your quality of life and your journey in defining it. tc and blessings

[maltopsy]

Originally Posted by omegalamed

Hi Maltopsy! I would have posted this in the AA thread because it is related. However here is more a social awareness so ty. You cannot afford to hold onto a resentment cause if you do you will go back out and use. If you dont forgive her for yourself you hold yourself back letting her take up space in your mind. You will never get an apology from your sister who is the blame game. She sounds like she blames everyone but no responsibility for herself, that is a typical AlAnon trait, dangerous to a recovering person in recovery. You are wise to move out. You tell your Dad how much you love him and appreciate everything he has done for you g2g, and then you invite him over to see your new place once you get situated. There are places like YMCA and that can get you out quicker and on your feet. Or you can google a search for boarding houses renting one rooms out and that will include everything. That will be good, some interaction and a well structured setting for you to save more over a period of time until you get on your feet financially to do what you want. It gives you time to take the time for yourself and continue in recovery without the worries of working 24/7 for something more expensive.
i hope these suggestions help you with your quality of life and your journey in defining it. tc and blessings

Thank you, it means a great deal to me hearing words of understanding and encouragement from another person who understands recovery. I should look into boarding houses but I am not sure what rent is like in my area. as soon as work starts I will be easily able to afford an apartment. Thanks again for the input and guidance