[creativeocean]

hi everybody
Im having a very hard time and after suffering for some days i thought i would come share my story here, and get some perspective and feedback and opinions from you, expand my views,

ive been 1 year and a half in a relationship with a woman, which, well,
fits a lot of those criteria of NPD, well, of the 9 criteria, she for sure fits 6 or 7,

and its been the most amazing relationship, the highs were so high,
but the lows... were so low...
it of course started amazing, perfect, and after that idealization phase or however people are calling it, we then had a few crises, that were always unpredictable and ended up on silent treatments, this happened in january, march, april, may and then in June she broke up.
She broke up and a month later, she came back. She came back strongly, it was like another honeymoon, and things started again.
The surprising thing is that from July till now January all went great, no crisis, 6 great months. I was so surprised and happy.
And then in christmas she came to meet my family for first time and it all went well also.
Great last 6 months, great christmas, all good.

And then 1st of January, out of the blue, she announces me "this is going to surprise you" and she breaks up the relationship, again.

Because the previous 6 months were so good, i was and am beyond devastated.
After that, she went back to her country (we live in different countries close to each other but we would meet in her place or my place very often and we also lived together for quite some time).
And in last 20 days she was still meditating her decision (she always does these things unilaterally, never in a dialogue with me, she just decides herself) until yesterday she announced me that decision was final. She disconnected us in facebook as a couple, etc
She offered me to be friends, i clearly cannot do that now so i told her that i couldnt.
Then i well, i couldnt avoid sending her 2 or 3 skype messages to tell her how shocking it all was, given that last months had been so great,

and since then she has been ignoring me.
I have not contacted her again, just 1 small message today, but no i have not been sending her desperate messages or anything like that. No emails, no sms, i just sent her a few skype messages, but correct messages, and just 4 or 5, 4 when she broke up, 1 today and nothing else,
but anyway she is ignoring me.

Its extremely painful.

She said that reason was there was something in my character that didnt fit well with her. and that this was problem from beginning of relationship but because all the rest was so great , she was hoping that this would stop being a problem at some point.

But she says that when in our good times, that were so many, she seemed to be so ultra happy with everything. She used to say she could not stay away from me more than a day, etc, etc When she came back in July, she said it was like another honeymoon, etc, etc

and now she says that this character problem happened from the beginning....

I identify myself with a lot of articles i have read around.
At the beginning i was all perfect. Then she started to criticize all sorts of things, how i walk, how i talk, my posture, how i use the fork, etc, etc all sorts of stuff.
But then when she came back the second time all was very perfect again.
Until out of the blue it stopped being perfect again.

It is really mind twisting.

She is of course pretty, intelligent, talented, exciting, etc, etc

but she is also entitled, self-centered, little empathy, grandiose statements and dreams, unpredictable with her mood, can get angry when a small thing doesn't fit with what she expects, and that can make her really angry

when i was happy or i was successful in something, or i became center of attention to other people, i noticed she could become uncomfortable at those times, not always, but quite often i noticed it

i was always interested in her projects and things and helped her with so many things, but she never showed much interest in my stuff except at the beginning

etc etc, it just all fits a lot with what ive read around

and why didnt i leave her

for the same reasons of many others

because she is awesome, i learnt more with her in 1.5 years than with my previous relationship of 5 years with a girl that was much more tranquil

because she is fantastic,

but also very high maintenance and very complicated and yes i felt like
walking on eggshells, and yes i couldnt be fully myself when problems started,
and yet i didnt feel fully accepted for who i am,

she used to say herself that my love for her was unconditional but her love for me was conditional

she used to say herself that i accepted her fully as she was, but that she could not accept me fully as i was

yes i have wondered if i am a people pleaser one of those, if my self esteem has issues

you know, fact is that during the first 4 or 5 months of the relationship i was doing great, my confidence and self esteem was fantastic, i felt in control of myself, i wasnt only pleasing her, there was balance, i was putting myself at the same level, i was taking care of myself and of her,
but then i fell in love more and more and more with her,
and she started her games of suddenly all great, then surreal complains, then great, then surreal complain, then great, then complain,
and i started to lose it, my self esteem or something, started to change, it was crazy to feel it, somehow i started to behave with care to try to prevent her from going crazy again, i tried to control situation and myself and adapt my behaviour, i could feel it, to try to prevent her from going nuts again and to try to keep things great like at the beginning

damm i cant believe even that im writing this, because it does sound so similar to articles i have read around, but that's how it was for me

the part that i cannot understand at all, of the 1.5 years,
is the last 6 months.
When she came back in July, it was like a second honeymoon phase,
and then we were for these last 6 months all good, after july and august things calmed down but it was all good until january, until now. No probs, no crisis, no her going crazy, no silent treatments, it was all good, last 6 months

and we had plans for january and february 2016

and then she comes for christmas to my country meets my family, all goes well, apparently all goes well

and 1st of january, PAM, out of the blue, no warnings, no nothing, she just pam
ends it

after that she still took another 2-3 weeks to confirm her decision (usually she does this, she takes impulsive action and then meditates on it for a while),

unlike other times this time she didnt revert back, she confirmed her decision and it was the total end.

As a consequence i am totally destroyed.
Because if at least the last month or weeks or whatever had been awful, but not.. the last 6 months up to the day before she broke up! was great,
up to the day itself before she broke up, all, intimacy and all, all was great, up to the last minute before!

how crazy is that

so my brain has great trouble to process it

she has a large group of friends , well, they are like her followers at the same time,
and before reconfirming decision she did talk to her best friends and etc, etc

well, i wanted to marry her, and
my brain has a hard time now

i cant find any logic in it, i know it should not be logical, i get it, but
its so crazy

the craziest thing is that rationally i know that this woman has done strange things with me and i should wish to be with a more stable woman

and yet, i miss her terribly, i want her back, so so so so badly

i get it, i must be addicted and traumatized at the same time,

whatever it is,
i cant get her out of my head,

yes it was a roller coaster of a relationship but it was also at the same time
amazing, amazing yet strange all at the same time surely

i am sad, depressed, exhausted and sometimes desperate

thank you for listening

[Writer82]

You need someone who will be there for you emotionally. Someone empathetic. I didn't have that in my exhusband and now I deal with anxiety and depression because of it. I loved my ex completely, and I was with him for 9 years. It wasn't until the relationship ended that I realized that was a good thing. I feel like my old self again, and not the person who always had to make someone else happy.

She sounds impulsive, and pretty much everything else you said. Try to use logic with this. Is she healthy for you, or will she end up hurting you more? Focus on you.

[creativeocean]

Thank you Writer82,
i know, ur right, it was awesome, but thinking of the future i can see how being with her could become exhausting... as i always had to be walking on eggshells as she could get annoyed easily..................... and that long term...