[2691RVA]

My husband and I were married 7 years, divorced now for 28 years. He is a very manipulative person....he's the type that could make you think they sky was green....a cheat, a charmer. he left with his lover, told me that I wouldn't need to worry about him asking for visitation as his girlfriend didn't want to help raise his children. My oldest and ex were especially close and his leaving crushed her. he made no contact for 2 years, she dumped him and then ex's new love encouraged ex to have a relationship with his children. The girls were excited to have their father back in their life. Unfortunately, when he came back in their lives he came back with lies and stories about me and about us. he got his friends to back up what he said so he would have proof but the claims were false. the kids would come back from visits telling me what their dad said, I would try to tell them this didn't happen but yet his words were still there. I tied to talk to my ex and when I would tell him what they kids were saying he would say they were not being truthful. It never stopped. he went to friends and old class mates and did the very same thing.

28 years later, I realize I have not been the perfect parent. I have tried to communicate with my children who are now 30 and 35, I have tried to support them and we have faced some real hard times. I have lost my temper, I have cried, I have offered joint counseling for us but both girls are now doing just as my ex has done and are pointing fingers. I feel under the microscope. Anything I do or say is analyzed and then I hear back from family members what my daughters (more so my oldest) is saying about me and it is simply lies/assumptions. This really has hurt me over the years.

Recently I visited my 30 year old daughter and while talking she said something, basically doubting my word and voiced this. I closed up. I didn't want to have a confrontation. I had gone to visit and enjoy my time with her and my grandsons and I felt like everything was falling apart in front of my eyes. I wanted to leave but instead I took time to myself and was silent.....not because I was trying to control her. I just didn't know what to say or do. I finally did ask her if we could talk, I told her what she had said had made me feel. I asked her if she was being influenced by her father and her older sister and she felt she was not. I told her that as long as she believes the things her dad says, or even the lies and assumptions her sister makes I felt it was going to be hard for us to have a relationship with one another. She then became analytical again.

I know both my daughters have been to counseling and know from my own experience with counseling that counselors are not too kind when it comes to saying bad things about parents to their clients.

Like I said, I know I have not been a perfect mom and I have made apologies for my hurtful acts. I feel though my ex has done some extensive damage with this lies and story telling. My oldest has followed in the foot steps of my exhusband and is very onboard about blasting me to whoever will listen. If I had done the things they claim that is one thing but I have not and that really is hard to deal with. Basically I have no relationship with my 35 year old and very little relationship with my 30 year old.

Any advise?

Tell your daughters that you love them unconditionally.

Apologize to them for having a difficult childhood (don't blame your ex) and admit you made mistakes.

The rest is up to your daughters.

I sincerely wish you peace of mind.

[here today]

There's a book:

When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along: Joshua, PhD Coleman: 9780061148439: Amazon.com: Books

also a website, I think.