[heyhey.im.j]

*Long read* Just started taking care of mom about 3 weeks ago. So far it's been the most challenging experience ever, we never were really close like some typical mother daughter relationships. I'm adopted, and there's quite an age gap, I'm 33 she's 90 and gives me a hard time to say the least. It doesn't help that she says one thing, meaning something the complete opposite or just generally confusing what she says and it often doesn't make sense. She's still in her right mind but that's a big issue, communication. We do not even use the same terms for things and hers mean something different. I guess it's the generational gap and made up words of that time. That's not the issue. The issue is I've tried and tried but seem to get nowhere with her. I don't know what to do, my life is falling apart not only with her but at home as well. I'm difficult to be around since I'm always on edge, all I do is vent and that gets bothersome to my BF/ fiancé. We're both dealing with "mom issues" his has problems too and is a bit challenging in her own way. But my mom is on a fixed income and cannot afford a sitter, she still owes on her home so I'm her primary caretaker and get paid very little which we agreed on. Just enough to pay my bills and not financially warp her. But everyday we fight and argue, we've tried countless ways to limit time so we're not always at each other's throats. Her snide remarks are really what get me the most and I'm not the type of person to just ignore them. I take them personally and go off on her. I have little help with her essentially it's just me throughout the week from 7-7 weekends are somewhat covered. Moms a pack rat, almost hoarder and never throws stuff away. Her house is nasty from years of her cats urinating on just about everything and the house smells. I've tried cleaning out the rooms of garbage, saved boxes, grocery bags etc. to keep myself busy doing something. Needless to say everything I do to help is criticized, throwing away food is a battle too. I understand where she's coming from but if canned goods were expired in 2013 I'm not serving that to her. She doesn't understand the concept of an expiration date at all. So now I quietly pack the crap in a bag and bring it out another way that she can't see or hear to help eliminate the ongoing question "what are you throwing away now" ugh. Her home is littered with clutter and while it is her home, it's gone too far and I'm just trying to help. I can't deal with filth and odors. I quit my job as a vet tech to take this challenge, and I'm getting used to human care taking and it's really not that bad, but it's the snide remarks and complete lack of appreciation, all she sees is me trying to throw away all her things, and it's mostly crap she doesn't even know she still has tbh. But to the real issue, I've hit some emotional pitfalls. I'm constantly feeling guilty after fights and arguments even tho sometimes I feel like she deserves brutal honesty, I still feel somewhat bad about it. There is no other family to help, I'm it. She did not plan ahead with long term care insurance so having outside help is financially challenging but at the same time I need a BREAK! I feel like my fiancé always has something in his mind that he just won't say. He's always quiet around me and then after a while warms up and will talk. That is starting to worry me a bit too. His feeling based on my stress level is to have her put in a nursing home and let the state take over her house. That's not what I want for her but if this cycle continues I may have to do that. I wanted her to have a home back and not live in a pig sty and when the inevitable happens the house falls on my lap. It's a financial burden I really can't afford but would be a fool to let go based on how low the payment is. I'm stuck there, can't afford it, and it needs a lot of tlc, carpet removed baseboards taken out etc. I don't know what to do, I love my mom and don't want her to go into a crappy nursing facility, but I really need an emotional break and really have nowhere to turn. I feel so depressed and all I do is cry it out all the time. And that's taking a whole new toll on me as well. I'm just lost and broken spirited now.

[Mygrandjourney]

Have you explored getting a respite provider in a few days per week (or month)? You can easily get burned out in this type of situation.

Jumping, you get VNA visiting Nurses Association to come in everyday to give you a break and on Saturday take the whole morning to yourself and like a Monday or Tuesday a whole 8 hrs to yourself. get a nurse to watch her at night to sit with her and all while you sleep. My baby sister Kitty and her husband Brian are taking care of our mother who is 89. My dad was 40 yrs older than me so i understand what you are saying. I took care of him with alzheimers, mom with dementia and myself while working and sick with a disability which i finally quit and it was hell on earth. I know what you are saying. You also check into where people live in your home in exchange to take care of your mom. then you cover weekends ... it is a great relief. you can do that. get respite, VNA, homeshare, and all other agencies to help you... blessings and hugs

[Skeezyks]

Hello jumpinggrasshopper: Thank you for sharing your struggle. I'm not as old as your mother... but I'm aging myself. I would simply like to send some warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find a way through this difficult situation.