[bionicmonkey]

I don’t understand how to begin. So I’ll just try a situation and start from there. My sister (Sarah)asks for help with understanding the definition of a word in relation to journalism to help her with an assignment that she held off until the last minute. My older sister (Anna) tries to help and asks to see the how her textbook defines the word. Sarah tells her it doesn’t matter and that Anna should be able to tell her what it means without the book. After a few more attempts at trying to view the book, Anna gives up and tries helping figure out what it means. Sarah then begins asking more and more details of the information, and Anna doesn’t have the answers. Sarah then starts crying saying that no body ever helps her and that it is useless. Sarah then goes on to become more irate with Anna as she tries to get Sarah to calm down, long enough for her to find the answer. Then Sarah finds the answer by searching google on her phone. Starts yelling at Anna that she never helps and no one cares. My Mom came out (because they woke her, at midnight) and my mom told them to go to bed and drop it. Mom went back to her room and they went to their room (they share a room). Sarah began to tell Anna she was a horrible person and berate her with insults for half an hour more before Anna could finally get to sleep. Then a few nights later she began crying again, and saying that no one cares, and no one ever comforts her when she starts crying. Sarah goes on crying and saying that no one understands her. I attempted to tell Sarah that most times when she is upset, she tells us to leave her alone. She asked me to name one time and when I described a time, she asked for more details. My memory being only so good, I couldn’t give enough details to her to successfully prove to her that she has told us to leave her alone when she gets like that. I was finally told to stay out of it and I left the room. Anna finally just gave in and apologized for everything. Saying it was her fault, and taking the blame seemed to appease Sarah for a while. But this is something that happens almost once a week Sarah actually made Anna apologize for her tone once. Sarah had requested that we stay out of the living room so she could have a phone interview with a potential employer. Anna (who had food in her mouth) made a noise of acknowledgement. Sarah said she had a tone, and Anna just caved and apologized, even though there was no tone. Anna had simply been acknowledging the request without talking with food in her mouth (like a polite person does). Sarah had come home crying from school once when she was in middle school. Someone had called her names and picked on her. Anna asked who and she told her, she even showed her the girl in her last yearbook. Anna tried to empathize and even thought insulting that girl would make Sarah feel better. Sarah then yelled at Anna saying that the girl was her friend and that Anna should apologize for what she said about her friend. If I had to describe our situation I would say that Sarah is holding us emotionally hostage. She treats us like crap, but then we end up apologizing for the fights. She doesn’t have any idea of the pain she causes us, but is the first one to start crying like we are reacting to her in a disparaging manner. I’m so tired of taking it. I want so badly to tell her off, but she legitimately sees us as villains. Anything we say or do that contradicts her view of events is written off as us being mean. It has gotten so much worse since our father passed last July. She and he did not get along. They clashed a lot, about so much. In middle school (during one of our fights), she said that she purposely made his life difficult. She once yelled at him and cried one year when they only got her nine of the ten gifts she asked for on her birthday list. She even tapped her watch when his funeral was taking a little long to start. She then left the funeral immediately after the eulogy. Anna left with her, so that no one would think bad about Sarah leaving. Sarah said she didn’t feel comfortable there, and then when me and my mom got home we found Sarah yelling at Anna that we should have comforted her at the funeral. I don’t know what we could have done. I don’t know what to do. Sarah has never apologized to anyone for her actions, not really as most of her apologies start like this “I’m sorry but if you hadn’t” or “I only got mad because of how you reacted” or even “you should know how I react to that”. We have been living with her actions all of her life, but it is getting hard to continue. I don’t like how she treats my older sister and my mother, but don’t know how to approach the situation as we are all adults and I have no real authority over her. Super sorrys for the big block of text but If I go back over it to separate it into paragraphs I fear I will just delete the message entirely because . . . well I don't like bad mouthing people and I feel like that is what I'm doing. Any help or support would be greatly appreciated. thank you for your time.

[Skeezyks]

Hello bionicmonkey: I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation. I wish I had some great suggestion for you as to how to handle this. I don't. I was an only child myself. So I never had experience with sibling rivalry. And nowadays I live a pretty-much solitary lifestyle. So interpersonal skills aren't exactly my forte.

From what you wrote, it sounds to me as though Sarah pretty-much has the rest of the family wrapped around her little finger, as the saying goes. From my perspective, this is a matter of boundaries... yours, Anna's, & your mom's. The three of you are going to each have to decide what you are & are not willing to accept from Sarah & then stick to it.

California therapist, Kati Morton, uploaded a video onto her YouTube channel a while back with regard to boundaries... how to set them & how to enforce them. I'm certain the video is still there. It might be informative for you to watch it.

I wish you well as you continue to struggle with this difficult situation.

[Nammu]

Will Sarah agree to go to counseling? If not can you and your sisters go to learn how not to feed her propensity for drama.

As hard as it will be the best thing you can do is refusing to engage with her. When she starts claiming that nobody supports her say, I'm sorry you feel that way, when you calm down we can discuss it. Then walk away and refuse to listen to her arguments that this proves she right. Eventually when she no longer gets the feedback and sympathy she's seeking she'll change.

[bionicmonkey]

thank you both for your help. I will see if i can find that video.

Sarah has said that she went to see a therapist twice and now she doesn't believe in psychology. "It's just a way for people to justify the horrible things they do to people" is what she said. I do not believe she would be willing to go to counselling as the second anything even seems like it puts any of the responsibility on her for some blow up, she throws a tantrum and says we are just being mean to her. I will try to come at this from a more active angle, try to put a hard line on what we are willing to except as normal behavior. I hate that it has gone on so long, hate that it has gotten so bad now. Thank you guys, and Hopefully I will have some good progress on this.