[debgaye]

I have been dating a wonderful 55 year old man for 3.5 years. When we started dating, I began meeting his friends. His friends warned me on the sly that his mother was very controlling and she has run off every girlfriend he has had in the last 30+ years (married once at 20, divorced 2 years later, no long-term relationship since then).
At the time, his parents were in Florida at their condo. His son and daughter-in-law lived in another state. He went to visit his parents a few months after we met and he did not call or text for the entire week he was there (1st red flag). During these few months, his son was planning to move back to town and made several trips here. I met him and he liked me. We got along well.
Several months later, he wanted me to meet his parents and felt the best place to do it was at a charity event. She spoke w/ me for 5 minutes and then essentially ignored me the rest of the night. A few days later, she wrote my bf a letter telling him she didn’t think I was the one to date seriously because I had too many grandchildren.
While this upset my BF, he has ignored that request for the last few years. I am the only long-term relationship he has had and his friends make note of that. That said, I am still a secret to his parents. He cannot call when he is with them. I do not get to see him on holidays. He cannot take trips with me because he has to explain who he is going with and to where. Now, the daughter-in-law has decided she doesn’t like me. True to form, his son is following her suit and I can’t even be around them now.
Nonetheless, I love him very dearly and still hang on despite the fact it has considerably reduced my self-esteem and confidence.
About him and his family: His parents were raised poor during the 40’s and 50’s. They have made millions with an invention. My boyfriend who is a very popular and talented musician was “required” to come off touring to manage the family business so that his parents could retire in their 50’s. 25 years later, he is still single and miserable. He has had not one vacation during this time. He jumps when she says to. When the phone rings, he runs to answer it in private. He does the same with his son. Often times, plans that we make are trumped by their requests.
My BF and I have been struggling terribly to keep this relationship going. A few weeks ago, I was at the end of my psychological rope and began to research what the problem might be based on my personality and his as well as the family dynamic. I have finally figured out that his mother is probably suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and he is now a people-pleaser/passive-aggressive. This is compounded by what I believe is my personality, which is high sensitivity (HSP).
What a labyrinth I have gotten myself into. But I have resolved to work my way through it…

[Skeezyks]

Hello debgaye: This sounds like quite a challenge. I send you my best wishes as you work your way through the labyrinth...

[Mygrandjourney]

It sounds like the problem predates your relationship. Do you think he will do anything to make changes in this situation?

(((hugs)))

[TakeMeWithYou]

Well, I know about the people pleasers and passive aggressive types. I think if he is wiling to work on the issues, then you can too. I guess the first step is whether he acknowledges the tough issues and any willingness to confront them?? Best of luck to you and be sure to take care of you along the way. {{hugs}}