[hayley3]

My daughter has Hashimoto's disease and I think that is part of the problem but she is not on medication because we have Indiana obamacare which is horrible.

So let me explain what she is doing. I want to talk to her but she clams up and says everything is my issue. She told me she has social phobia and anxiety and had thoughts of depression. But she talked to a school counselor at college and now she's okay. She has a horrible memory and she does things she doesn't remember and I ask her about it, and she tells me I'm crazy. And really, her denial IS driving me crazy.

I love her with all my heart. She is 20 btw. She also has a learning disability.

I just want to have a conversation with her and she is so irrational. I told her I couldn't speak to her anymore online as she turns everything around. I can't talk to her on the phone either because I can hear the loathing in her voice when I couldn't have possibly did anything to her since she is living in a dorm.

She doesn't drive cause she's afraid to drive. I am not sure why she's turned on me. Although her roommate, who is her best friend hates her own mother cause she's very restrictive and I am thinking that my daughter is copying her. But I am very laid back and let my daughter stay up all night playing on her computer and talking to her friends all over the world...when she's at home, that is.

I don't know whether to let her go, or what. What makes someone hate you but not express why they hate you? She is majoring in Psych to help people but can't empathize with her own mother. I don't get it. I want her back but don't know what is the best method to do that.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Do not give up on her. She's your daughter and maybe she just hasn't quite grown out of that rebellious teen stage. I know I didn't get along with my dad until I grew up and realized what a pain I was lol. Just curious, why isn't she treating her illness? Hashimotos can definitely cause some emotional distress and I imagine it would not clear up until successfully treated. If her illness isn't the problem, maybe counseling for you two might help. I too have crappy insurance (Medicaid) but trust me, the resources are Indeed out there, you just have to do your research. Try calling the insurance company and ask them what therapists are available for her. It's always worth a shot.

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[Jan1212]

Hey I was 20 not so long ago... I def wanted to distance myself. At the age I want to be independent. I don't work around insurance nor I'm in Indiana but necessary meds for a medical condition.. they are def supposed to be covered..

I also wanted to major in Psych. Is it scary that I'll be able to prescribe in about 3 years? These classes tho ..def gave me a better understanding of why people act the way they do. Your child doesn't hate u. Just give some space but also let her know ur there if she needs u. I'd love if my mom said that to me. I get this hurts your feelings but it'll pass


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[hayley3]

[quote=RxQueen875;5016050]Do not give up on her. She's your daughter and maybe she just hasn't quite grown out of that rebellious teen stage. I know I didn't get along with my dad until I grew up and realized what a pain I was lol. Just curious, why isn't she treating her illness? Hashimotos can definitely cause some emotional distress and I imagine it would not clear up until successfully treated. If her illness isn't the problem, maybe counseling for you two might help. I too have crappy insurance (Medicaid) but trust me, the resources are Indeed out there, you just have to do your research. Try calling the insurance company and ask them what therapists are available for her. It's always worth a shot.

We have sub-medicaid and the doctors don't want to take it. I have written the governor and a senator...but it does no good.
The fact that her memory is so horrible, makes me think it's her thyroid cause that's a big symptom. Her dad (my ex) has some mental issues and she even said he's bipolar, so I guess if the medicine doesn't work then we know to see a therapist.

The thing that bothers me the most is we are arguing over silly things. I'm not trying to make her do anything she doesn't want to do, she's irrational. She twists innocent things I say to start a fight. Maybe she is just now in the rebellious stage, IDK. But I loved my own mother so yeah this really bothers me.

[hayley3]

[quote=Jan1212;5016107]Hey I was 20 not so long ago... I def wanted to distance myself. At the age I want to be independent. I don't work around insurance nor I'm in Indiana but necessary meds for a medical condition.. they are def supposed to be covered..

I also wanted to major in Psych. Is it scary that I'll be able to prescribe in about 3 years? These classes tho ..def gave me a better understanding of why people act the way they do. Your child doesn't hate u. Just give some space but also let her know ur there if she needs u. I'd love if my mom said that to me. I get this hurts your feelings but it'll pass

At least you will know how it feels to be on the patient end.
She has space, she doesn't live with me. We were okay before she left for college. And I have to give her space because she loathes me. I hope it passes. She comes home on May 3rd so I was trying to handle this gently so as not to upset her but to get past that wall she has put up. Thanks

Originally Posted by hayley3

My daughter has Hashimoto's disease and I think that is part of the problem but she is not on medication because we have Indiana obamacare which is horrible.

So let me explain what she is doing. I want to talk to her but she clams up and says everything is my issue. She told me she has social phobia and anxiety and had thoughts of depression. But she talked to a school counselor at college and now she's okay. She has a horrible memory and she does things she doesn't remember and I ask her about it, and she tells me I'm crazy. And really, her denial IS driving me crazy.

I love her with all my heart. She is 20 btw. She also has a learning disability.

I just want to have a conversation with her and she is so irrational. I told her I couldn't speak to her anymore online as she turns everything around. I can't talk to her on the phone either because I can hear the loathing in her voice when I couldn't have possibly did anything to her since she is living in a dorm.

She doesn't drive cause she's afraid to drive. I am not sure why she's turned on me. Although her roommate, who is her best friend hates her own mother cause she's very restrictive and I am thinking that my daughter is copying her. But I am very laid back and let my daughter stay up all night playing on her computer and talking to her friends all over the world...when she's at home, that is.

I don't know whether to let her go, or what. What makes someone hate you but not express why they hate you? She is majoring in Psych to help people but can't empathize with her own mother. I don't get it. I want her back but don't know what is the best method to do that.

I think you need to let go of her long enough for the drama to die down. Who creates the drama between you and her isn't important. Drama rears up when you try to be together (phone or in person). That being the case, perhaps with time, that won't happen. But you need to be completely uncommunicative for a period of time.

I had the most amazing relationship with my daughter, until she was about sixteen or seventeen. At that time (or earlier), you are replaced by their friends. Their friends become everything. They push to detach themselves from your thinking. It's a push to have their own thinking. Which is ironic, since they basically take on the thinking of their friends.

It's about them becoming their own person, for better or worse. This continued for ten years (16 to 27). So, I basically just stopped talking to her for longer and longer periods of time, as all conversations ended up in an argument over NOTHING. I didn't know you could have arguments over nothing. Now I know.

But she has to let you be a different version of yourself, different from the version of you she has in her head. And you have to come back as a different version of yourself when you reconnect.

I hadn't seen my daughter for 16 months, although we did occasionally talk by phone or Skype. When I visited in person with her in March 2016 (9 day visit), within 24 hours we were in an argument.

She brought up how Ghomeshi (Canadian) had gotten off of several rape charges in Canada, because the women had consented to be hurt. I said: it shouldn't be possible for a person to give permission to be beaten up. I also said: if a person enjoys being humiliated (beaten up, urinated on), they need the help of a mental help professional. She defended sado-massichism. I said: what happens if one of them ends up accidentally killing the other? She shrugged. I repeated: if a person enjoys getting beaten up, they need the help of a mental health professional. At that point, she became irrationally enraged and accused me of hurting millions of sado-massichists. I said: how did I do that, there's no one here but me and you? Clearly, this was a completely unnecessary and ridiculous argument. I didn't get upset, but she did. This was the only argument we had during her 9 day visit. Why?

The next day, I was frustrated with a problem and needed to find an answer quickly. I've developed a method where I cover my eyes to shut out all stimulation and focus my thinking better. When I did this, she announced I was about to explode with anger. This was very disturbing for me, as I've never covered my eyes before like that in order to avoid "exploding" in anger. I said to her: you don't even know me. This enabled us to move on.

The following day I asked if she could let me be different. I told her I had worked hard to become who I was now, on this day. And I asked her to allow me to be that new person. She understood. The rest of our time together was magnificent, because there was no baggage between us. She didn't feel the need to break her thinking away from mine.

It also helped that I consciously avoided controversial subjects, as she enjoyed "debating" over controversial subjects. So I just avoided those subjects. There's no real reason to discuss religion, abortion, elections, etc. with her. They are loaded subjects, where she will always take the opposite opinion to me. So why even go there?

We have a good relationship now. Is it all healed? No, because I have to avoid indulging in certain subjects with her. Will that change with time? I think so.

Many people have mental health issues today that make it difficult for them to get along with others. Really it's about learning how we trigger them. Do we trigger them? I think so. Do you trigger your daughter? Probably. Do you mean to trigger your daughter? I doubt it, since you are here trying to find a solution.

If you leave her alone, not out of punishment, out of allowing the drama to die down, you can try to reconnect, but keep the phone call short. Perhaps you can make it a 2 minute phone call. "just calling to see how you are." Then listen, then make an excuse as to why you have to keep the call short. Tell her you miss her, you love her and then say goodbye.

It's short enough that it won't annoy her and it's short enough that there shouldn't be any arguing. Small steps. If you keep doing this it disrupts the old patterns of behaviour.

[hayley3]

Thank you Claire, your reply made so much sense. I was already struggling with empty nest syndrome and you are right, she replacd me with her best friend. I know being out on her own is good for her...she needs to get her wings so I accepted that... I loved my mother a lot and I can't really accept that I have to walk on eggshells with my own daughter. I can't even skype her..that's where it all started.

And when I realized that she thought I was accusing her of doing something, I made it clear that I didn't yet she would not let it go. I would never do anything to hurt her, yet I have become the enemy and it has me bewildered and I"m in shock. But your advice sounds great, the small steps and disrupting the old pattern of behavior. And thanks for sharing your story, it helps to hear what others have been through.

[htoun]

Having been diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease I would guess 90% of your problem is that. Not that it is easy with the thyroid replacement drugs. I've been trying to find a good balance for years. I think I almost have it. Looking back I was angry and unreasonable as well as down not depressed but not happy either. I couldn't keep a train of thought, had no motivation, memory was spotty, not to mention moody, and cranky. Oh and I also have a learning disability that always makes me very frustrated. I still occasionally type words backwards thankfully spell check usually gets it

Has she looked into the thyroid support vitamins. Non of them can be shipped to canada so I stopped looking at them but some of them contain desiccated thyroid which might help her. And you wouldn't have that problem... unless she is a vegetarian. Armor is naturally desiccated thyroid which is working better for me than the synthetic stuff.

So other than the medical stuff I think clairerobin's suggestion of small steps is a good one.