[BDPpartner]

Hi I have mentioned this in a few threads recently but thought I would put it out there in case others would like to be able to access a resource that was a great help to me.....

I recently went to a lecture by New Yorker Valerie Porr, she has been working with people who have BPD for over 20yrs by is of the opinion that in order to help those with the condition their support system of friends and family also need some help and education. And wow the things she has to say had heads nodding in agreement.

At one point she asked the audience to raise their hands if they were a professional she then asked them to take note of what she was asking next. She asked how many of those who support someone with BPD have been looked at and judged as lying when they describe the behavior of their BPD sufferers especially when talking to professionals. Everyone that this question was aimed at raised their hands. Valerie then went on to explain this is because those who suffer from the condition have become expert in hiding almost as if they wear a mask to face the world but for the people who are the closest they are allowed to see behind the mask. She then told the professionals in the room off for not listening to those who make up the support system this provoked a cheer.

Sorry I can't remember her books name but if you goggle Valerie Porr you'll find it and also helplines good luck ��

I disagree completely with Valerie. Why is it OK to overlook the lying behavior?

[BDPpartner]

People such as my partner who have BPD see the world differently to most of the rest of the world and there are times when my partner will LIE to me but he doesn't actually know that he has lied !

And if you have taken the opinion that Valerie Porr is overlooking lying behaviour because someone with BPD behaves one way with close family to how they interact with professionals you are missing exactly same point as do many. BPD suffers in the main don't deliberately lie in fact many don't even know that they are lying but the truth is that to get an accurate picture both the sufferer and those that support them need hearing.

BPD suffers can come across as lying, manipulative and have even been described as being like a toddler but although I am sure they perhaps do behave in such a way sometimes (but the same can be said of most people if we are honest) a large majority of the time those with BPD are not deliberately doing it.

It's hard for someone in my position to get the information across as I am not articulate enough which is why for those in my situation who are crying out for something to give them an insight I am recommending something which has helped my family and myself but also other members of the support group I am a member of ��

[BDPpartner]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

I disagree completely with Valerie. Why is it OK to overlook the lying behavior?

BPD suffers may have a mask that they wear in front of most of the world but they are no more in control of in than a chameleon it's a subconscious reaction

I personally do not believe that. Just like I don't believe addicts are helpless. JMHO

[BDPpartner]

Your entitled to your own opinion just as I am entitled to mine !

i'm glad this helps you, and i hope she will go on to help many more people.

I too, am glad she helps you.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

I think what the OP is trying to convey is that BPD sufferers are not malicious in their intentions and often completely unaware what is wrong with them akthough they sense something is off they tend to become learned victims. Only once BPD is presented as a dx and if they can acknowledge it and come to terms.... then they do have the ability to change theur behaviors if willing. It is a hard long road to unlearn a lifetime of misperception and malidaptive behaviors and lots of fall backs along the way. May cannot commit to the intensive work and treatment and thus return to behaving poorly, but most really beat themselves up internally atleast for their inability to maintain relationships and are embarrassed by their behaviors. It is a painful sad illness. Everyone suffers when it is left untreated.

[BDPpartner]

Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

I think what the OP is trying to convey is that BPD sufferers are not malicious in their intentions and often completely unaware what is wrong with them akthough they sense something is off they tend to become learned victims. Only once BPD is presented as a dx and if they can acknowledge it and come to terms.... then they do have the ability to change theur behaviors if willing. It is a hard long road to unlearn a lifetime of misperception and malidaptive behaviors and lots of fall backs along the way. May cannot commit to the intensive work and treatment and thus return to behaving poorly, but most really beat themselves up internally atleast for their inability to maintain relationships and are embarrassed by their behaviors. It is a painful sad illness. Everyone suffers when it is left untreated.

Thankyou you have managed to put into words alot of what I was trying to say ��

Unfortunately it is a very sad illness and supporting someone with it can be emotional devastating and it's made worse by outsiders attitudes and this book and the lecture helped me and others that I know have been struggling with the impact of BPD