[Figure8]

My husband's behavior is very unpredictable. One day he is overly affectionate and the next day he is cold and distant. We can wake up in the morning laughing and 30 minutes later, he seems upset.

I have also observed some other things. There seems to be a disconnect between who he is in public; who he REALLY IS (his private self) and who he fantasizes himself to be. I know this may sound strange, but he has 3 different personas.

On the outside and at work, he is the perfect gentleman. He just needs a cape and you could call him Captain save the Day. It's always yes ma'am and no sir. He sacrifices his time and energy to please everyone to make sure they always say "you're a great guy."

At home, he is always tired. He complains. He plays practical jokes and makes jokes at my expense. One day he can't move without me, the next day he isolates himself for almost 8 hours. He said she the isolation is because he's tired, but I don't believe him.

In his isolation, he gets under headphones for hours. He saids so many thoughts are running through his mind on a daily basis that he just wants to listen to music and not think. It's like he goes into this other place and fantasizes about what he could be or where he could be or what he could be doing if he weren't married. He often saids, " music soothes the savage beast."
Does he consider himself savage or violent? I have seen him very angry 1 time, but not towards me.

It's all very overwhelming because he said she one thing and does another and if I catch him straddling the fence ,he goes you caught me. You were just waiting for me to make a mistake, so you could have something to hold over me.

It's like he wants me to suppress my feelings like him. It's a no win situation. Any comments or suggestions

[Skeezyks]

Hello Figure8: Honestly... I don't really know about this. From my perspective, this is all something your husband needs to work through... perhaps with the aid of a skilled therapist. However, I can see bits-&-pieces of myself in what you've written. In years past, I strove to appear confident & "in charge" in public while being an anxious, morose basket case at home. It was like I had to work SO hard at maintaining this public image, & I was SO angry inside at having to keep it up, that I simply had nothing left to give at home. (Not that I understood any of this at the time.) Nowadays I pretty-much just keep to myself.

When I was growing up I was taught that you don't talk about family matters in public. And never "let 'em see you sweat!" I also learned very early in life, I don't know how, that there were things I must never share with anyone at all... not even my parents. (I'll spare you the details.) And since I was an only child, I simply learned to keep a lot to myself & to struggle to present a persona of what I'll call "normalcy" to everyone in my life. It takes enormous of effort!

So perhaps your husband is struggling so hard to be the person, in public, he was brought up to believe he should be that he simply is worn out & has nothing left to give at home. And the fantasizing is simply a means of escape. I can certainly relate to that as well.

In my case, I managed to keep the cork in the bottle, so to speak, until I turned 50. It often wasn't pretty. But I struggled along one day after another. Then a not too serious bout with cancer caused me to begin to slowly disassemble. I've been on a downward trajectory ever since. At this point, as I mentioned above, I simply keep to myself. I'm old enough, at this point, that I no longer have to work.

I will offer you one warning though. In my case, as I've slowly disassembled over the years, I've made several suicide attempts. Living the kind of life I've described here is exhausting. I've also done irreparable harm, over the years, to people who deserved infinitely better. I obviously don't know if what your husband is experiencing is anything like what I've experienced. But if it is, it would be wise for him to seek some kind of treatment. In my case, I was always too deep into denial to do so. Hopefully he is not. I wish you both well...

[Figure8]

Hello Skeezyks,
First, thank you for sharing your truth with me. Your childhood sounds similar to mine. I lived in functional chaos with my parents. They are still together (they deserve each other) but they should have never had children. In which case they only had one - me.

After one of their fights, sometimes physical, I would have to go to school with this plastered smile on my face, afraid to show any other emotion for fear someone would see through my facade. I was told the same thing. Explicitly, " you don't ever let anyone know what's going on in this house."

I relate to your intrapersonal preference as well. Since we were only children, it wasn't a far stretch for us to enjoy our on company. I like being alone most of the time. My parents kept me on a tight leash, so when I finally moved out, I was socially inept. It seems like I'm just starting to peel back some of the layers of damage they have done. I'm in my 40s.

If you can believe it, my husband is an only child. His mother has a very controlling and aggressive personality. His father- passive, but highly intelligent. He berates the mother at times, dismissing her ideas, thoughts and even presence at times. Like, if we all go to a restaurant, he will go out of his way to sit next to someone else other than her. My husband used to say the same thing about his father that I say about him: he treats outside people better than his family.

I have seen him (my husband) around his colleagues and he has even admitted, That he acts robotic, he is afraid to say or do something wrong. He laughs on cue and tells everybody everything they want to hear. He is so polite that it makes me nauseous because at home he has no problem telling me exactly how he feels I don't care how crass, cruel or disrespectful. Of course, this does not happen often, but when he feels angry, dismissed or out-witted, he can get verbally harsh.

As you said, I can imagine that this would take a lot of effort. I will support him through that, but it is exhausting for me as well because I never know how to react to his many moods. If you don't mind me asking, how do you relate to the fantasy part?

I'm so sorry to hear about your illness. I was just diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis not to long ago. It causes a lot of fatigue and pain at times, but my husband either jokes about it or brings up his high blood pressure in comparison.

Sometimes I feel like he doesn't want me to be happy unless he gives me permission. For example, around my birthday week he was so excited. Then, on the day, he was tired, complaining, distant, anything to steal my joy. Then, when his mood affected mine, he swoops in like superman, and asks why am I so gloomy it's my birthday and I should be having a good time. So, he starts acting nice again, kind of like he's giving me back my joy now because he's gotten his angries out.

I would agree he's angry about something. I just don't know what it is. He does try to put up this confident persona, but only at home. I feel like he tries to overcompensate at home because he is so agreeable in public.

I hope the counselor can help because I tired too. I wish you well and implore you to keep purging your truth! You have truly given me some insight; please continue to share your gifts.

He sounds like a narcissist. The outward perfect persona. But the solemn man when no one is looking. Narcissists are running from pain and their insecurity is massive but they will do anything to not expose that.

A narcissist typically can only have a relationship with his (or her) self.