[Catlovers141]

I'm 25 years old and I grew up with a narcissistic mom and a dad who was not narcissistic but enabled my mother. My father is asking me and my sister to try to show my mother more appreciation (I have started separating from my mother and my sister often acts irritated toward her) and to generally be nice to her and show her extra love.
I'm getting very irritated with this request and feel like crying. My mom has no boundaries and will take from us and not appreciate or support us, and I am so tired of the expectation that we treat her perfectly anyway. I think my feeling has been made worse because last year I told my parents that I was sexually abused by my uncle, and neither of them believe me. They didn't support me in this most important issue, and they have continued to not do so when I have brought it up.
I'm really tired of my mom's needs being the only ones that count, and of my dad expecting us to go along with that. I've done it all my life and since I told them about the abuse, I'm just done. I can't do it anymore.
I don't know what to do with all of this. I want to keep interacting with my mom as I have been, or even to increase the separation. I'm not mean to her, but I don't feel comfortable continuing to give her extra attention and support when she will not do that for me. I don't know how to talk to my dad about this, or really how to cope with it all. It's so hurtful.

[Mygrandjourney]

Can you just keep it to a minimum and be civil and polite? You sound completely justified in wanting to keep your boundaries where they are. Perhaps all your mother needs is a superficial compliment here and there, such as "Nice hairdo, outfit, etc every so often.

(((hugs)))

I am so sorry, I grew up with a Narcissist mother myself

[rechu]

My family dynamic is similar. I have cut off contact with my narcissistic mom in the past, but my father (enabler) and my sister always jump in and tell me I need to talk to her.

In the end I have pursued a strategy of limited contact and distance.I live far away and haven't visited for a while. They don't visit because my mom thinks that it is the child's responsibility to visit and my dad goes along with her.. We talk by skype at times, but I keep it superficial. I have learned from experience that confiding in her just brings judgement and criticism.

I do chat online more with my dad. He's not perfect and he definitely enables some of her behavior. But we still have a better relationship and he supports me, unlike her. For example, I quit my job recently and my dad was really supportive and said that he has confidence I will figure out my next move. My mom hasn't said anything. If she does, I am sure it will be negative as always, even though I quit a very abusive/dishonest work environment.

How close do you live? How often do you visit or call? Maybe you can cut back the frequency. Best of luck, it is really a tough situation to be in.

Instead of coping with it all, you need to put yourself first. Seeing a trauma therapist will help you heal and you will be in a better position to decide about having a relationship with your family. Be well. Keep us posted.