9 year old told me he feels "blank" "empty" "doesn't feel happy"

Hi everyone, I'm new here and i'm not entirely sure I'm posting in the correct place. But here goes...
My son is a beautiful, bright, funny and amazing person. Everybody has always said, even at a very early age, that he's the nicest and most loving child they've ever encountered. He's always been so grown-up, it's almost scary at times. He's always been so attuned to those around him, like an adult would be. It feels as though he hasn't had much of a childhood because of how he is - something I feel guilty for but at the same time it's been out of my control, it's not as though I can tell him to switch off.
But over the years he's become increasingly shut down, I think i've been in denial about it. I tell him multiple times a day that I love him and i'm here if he wants to talk or do anything, but for some reason he's been so shut off. He acts happy, but I'm not sure if its because i'm his mother and I can see underneath his act but he just seems so unhappy to me even through his often sillyness. I want to connect with him more and I honestly don't know how.
Over the past few months, he's been having headaches and ear issues, he also suffers from "Alice in wonderland syndrome" where he sees everything small quite often which he really doesn't like (and even these things, he won't tell me unless I notice he's struggling and I ask). We were reffered to get him a hearing test which he passed fine, which makes no sense and they said he may be experiencing 'episodes' of hearing loss which may indicate a possible brain problem (possibly the temporal lobe, due to the issues he has. Also they said the fits he had as a newborn may be the culprit. He's been reffered to a neurologist, but we don't know anything yet).

Anyway, this is just a quick background of what's being dealt with in his life right now, although he isn't aware of most of it (being reffered to a neurologist at least).

Now for the sting... about 2 hours ago, he was playing with his little brother and he came over to me and hugged me and told me he feels "blank", I asked what he meant and he said he doesn't know, he just "doesn't feel happy" and he feels "empty". I tried to reassure him that sometimes feeling down was normal and that no matter how he feels, at any point in his life, no matter how bad it is, that feelings can change and get better and feeling down at any point is only temporary... but inside, I was mortified. I still am. I feel like I've failed him on so many levels... how could I not see how bad he was? Is he depressed? What possible reason would he have of being depressed? I have no idea what's happened or what to do or if he's actually depressed or not. I have never ever felt like such a bad mother.
What can I do to help him? Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thank you in advance, and I'm sorry it's so long.
K

Hello BananaPancakes: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry your son (& you) are having this difficulty. I have to admit I had not heard of Alice in Wonderland syndrome before & had to look it up. I don't know as I have any particularly useful suggestions for you here. My thinking is that getting your son in to see a child psychologist or neuropsychologist may be the appropriate step here at least... From what you wrote, it sounds as though he has had a number of brain-related problems in his young life including seizures as a newborn, the Alice syndrome & possible hearing problems (which can contribute to feelings of isolation & depression.) Sorting all of this out, & figuring out what to do about it is a job for a highly skilled child or neuropsychologist. I know you wrote your son will be seeing a neurologist & this is a great thing. However, I would presume the neurologist is going to be primarily concerned with your son's physical condition. S/he may not be in a position to assess what is going on with him cognitively & emotionally & to establish a plan for how to address it. At least this is my thinking... for what it's worth...

Beyond that, what I would like to say is that you have not failed your son. You recognize that he's struggling & you're trying to figure out what to do about it. This is to be celebrated! I'm an older person now. But I also struggled as a child. However, I grew up at a time, & in a place, where kids just grew up & whatever happened... happened. Consequently the difficulties I was having were simply overlooked... or ignored. And, as a result, I have struggled my entire life. Would it have made a difference if someone had paid attention? There's no way to know. But it's unfortunate someone didn't try. Yes, it's certainly possible your son could be depressed. And there would not have to be a reason for it. While some depressions may be related to some incident in a person's life (i.e. "situational"), others can be caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. Situational depressions can-&-do morph into more long-term clinical, or major, depressions over time if left untreated. So please take what your son is saying to you to heart & do as much as you can to help him overcome.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

here in my location children aged 9 do not use terms like I feel blank to describe how thy feel....here the word "blank" is a filler word for swearing, but knowing they shouldnt use the swear word, its also a word 9 year olds encounter in school (ie please fill in the blank to this math problem)

reason I tell you this is because when you asked him what he meant he could not tell you. here in my location when a child tells someone they feel something then when asked what they mean and they say I dont know thats a sign that someone has coached them what to say but did not explain what was meant by what they are saying, or a child has over heard someone else say something and they copy with out knowing exactly what they are saying.

Im wondering if during the times you have confronted him, he picked up on how you ....want....him to say something is wrong because you keep asking him even after he says he's ok, so now he's maybe saying what he thinks you want to hear but know understanding what he really is saying.

here in my location usually when a parent feels something is wrong with their child the first thing they do is talk with the doctors. I see by your post the doctors are trying to diagnose the problem. my suggestion is the best thing you can do for your son\to help your son is to keep working with the doctors they will be able to tell you how to best approach your child and this problem and what needs to be done to narrow down and diagnose the problem.

I hope the neuro exam can tell you what is going on. Because something is.

Kids don't always tell parents everything, me when I had something going on, I didn't even know if it was something everyone had or just me.

Wishing you good luck.

I could be wrong...but I feel there is some important info missing from your post. You state more than once that you feel guilty..and feel like you have failed him... and also believe that he feels the need to act like an adult and you feel nad about him not having much of a childhood...but then you say that you can not see any reason he would be depressed... so I'm a bit confused... children like Anna mentioned are highly impressionable. Especially a sensitive child who is in tuned to their surroundings. They tend to pay close attention to adults then other children. Overhear everything and pick up on and internalize adult cues more than age appropriate social peers. And generally as all children are looking towards close adult authority figures for reassurance. So home and parents/guardians/daily caretakers is the #1 source of info that your son is paying attention to. 2nd would be school/church, teachers, counselors, sunday school/ youth groyp leader, principal, and coaches. And #3 would be any other environment that the child is in care of on a regular basis...such as grandparents/close family who mind him at their homes..a few times a week..or spends wkend overnights with...and parents/adultsof close friends that he has playmates with regularly. So I guess when did the depression and physical symptoms begin? Who was he around the day or week leading up to 1st psychosomatic complaint?...or if this is a slower over time development...was there major life change like moving, death or other loss of close adult figure? And then what is your home life like? And have you suffered from depression or another MI previously or currently? Or anyone else that lives in house? Are there arguments or phone convoy that you talk about stuff that could upset him or worry him..even if you are in another room or after he is asleep? And what is sibling relations like both between them and you and other siblings? Could he be picking up on differential treatment of some sort? Idk I'm just sitting out ideas and thoughts...you may not have these answers but I think that they are important to explore and talk with his therapist about too.

Thank you very much for your replies! I really appreciate them. He decided to tell me tonight that he's being bullied, which I had absolutely no idea about. The way he told me was heartbreaking because he just looked glazed over as he told me. I asked him a lot of questions about it, one of which being "how does it make you feel?" and he told me that at first he cried a lot but when he had tears in his eyes they would make it worse for him - so then he started trying not to feel anything (which makes a lot of sense with what he originally said, if he's trying to become somewhat emotionless?) I don't know. I'm trying not to push him at all and just trying to be understanding, I'll be contacting school on Monday although he really doesn't want me to... is that the right decision? If I ask for the school to be discreet about it?

Skeezyks - Thank you for the welcome and the advice! I also grew up in a time where things were brushed under the carpet, I just never wanted that for my children at all, so I will try to do all I can

amandalouise - I can't say with absolute certainty that he isn't getting the wording from else where, but he's an articulate child and those worlds are well within his vocab. I will say though, that he is definitely easily influenced at times - however, I can't imagine it was from anywhere else, it was completely random

jimi - thankyou, I agree with you. I've recently just pulled out of him that he was being bullied at school as I said at the beginning of this post, which he never told me about before at all. I try not to push him too much so he doesn't feel forced to tell me anything but at the same time I really want to know everything!

Lost_in_the_woods - I'm not sure what i'm missing really? Possibly a lot but I tried to include everything. We have a stable home life, nothing bad has ever happened really. The reason I feel guilty (and why I think he's missed out on 2 years - which is a big chunk - of his childhood) is a little long winded but... he is my firstborn child and I had terrible post natal depression with him which I felt robbed me of my bonding time with him. I tried incredibly hard but it wasn't until he was 2 that I really got to know him and love him for his person (rather than just the maternal love), whereas my second child I bonded with straight away... so the reason I feel guilty is because I feel as though I completely missed a 2 year window because I was incapable of bonding with a baby (he was the first baby i'd ever held) and regardless of the fact I've tried so hard to get to know him and be there for him and make sure he's happy and content... i've missed this massive thing that's made him say things that I'd expect from an adult?
I've just found out he's being bullied which makes me feel even more guilty - how did I miss this?! It's a disgusting feeling knowing i've let him down by missing it, it's not just guilt but it's almost shame. Shame for not being in touch with him enough to know he's going through this and for some reason i've failed to make him feel comfortable enough to tell me until much later down the line.

And as for him acting like a little adult... I don't know, he just always has. He's still silly and acts like a kid, but he also has an incredibly mature (far too mature in my oppinion!) side to him that developed incredibly young. But I don't understand why your comment on this was followed by "but then you say that you can not see any reason he would be depressed... so I'm a bit confused..." - why would that make him depressed? It's just who he is, i'm not sure I can change that.
He doesn't spend anytime elsewhere to be honest, although he goes to my mums sometimes for the weekend (maybe once every 3 months).

His symptoms started somewhere around when he started school, he actually started wetting the bed when he started (he hadn't done it for a VERY long time before then, he was using the potty at 2, accidents here and there for awhile after but never in bed). A bit of drama: There was a substitute teacher in his class who I knew and she told me that another teacher was being cruel to Josh, when I brought it up to the headteacher everybody denied it and the headteacher got rid of my friend. I came down on them like a tonne of bricks but I was ensured it was all a lie and he never complained after that. He absolutely hated school though, from the first week up until now. He's never liked it and always struggled to make friends (he likes making robots and coding them to work properly and things like that, whereas his classmakes like football etc.)

There have been no life changes. Myself and my partner broke up some time ago but to be honest it didn't seem to rattle the kids at all. He worked away most of the time anyway and they probably see him more now than they did when he was living here. My son has never got on well with his dad though, I'm not too sure why really. It's always been the case, they just show a general lack of interest towards each other and my ex isn't the nicest of people to him to be honest.. he isn't nasty but he's very dismissive and snappy.
Other than that, getting a cat is the only change to our lives.

I had postnatal depression as I said earlier, but other than that no MI before or after. I find it hard to even associate with the person those years ago during the stage of depression! It's strange looking back on it. But nothing he would remember I don't think, plus nothing traumatic happened either - I just failed to bond properly. I still cared for him and practiced attachment parenting (mostly because I thought 'if i can't bond with him right now - i'll carry him everywhere to make up for it!' I think lol)

There are no arguments here at all. Even when my ex and myself broke up we never argued, not in front of the boys or otherwise.

And as for the last question, the sibling relationship is good, really good actually. They argue at times but they never want to be without each other. I definitely treat them both the same but I know my ex favours my youngest rather than him

I would definitely pursue the medical evaluations, but what you are describing could well be the result of bullying. I would definitely take action, even if your son doesn't want you to do that. When is the bullying taking place? Is there a way to have someone be with your son at those times?

Wow, most of the time I feel emotionless too. I suggest seeing a therapist. At least thats what I did

I'm new here too. I completely understand. I have 2 kids dealing with depression and anxiety, age 14. My son shut down and would just cry and say he felt sad and didn't know why. My daughter went through terrible bullying in jr high and ended up self harming. Both are in counseling and now on meds. I felt guilty and overwhelmed and scared and defensive, etc. But mostly I want them to be ok and healthy and happy.

I would recommend starting with counseling. My kids like and trust their counselors and i have felt like I have support and validation Im doing the right things, and so on. Hang in there!

Hi Banana pancakes,
I'm sorry if my previous post came off as offensive... I didn't mean to sound as if I was blaming you or causing you in anyway... I'm so sorry, after I just reread what I wrote, it does come off a bit rude and truly that was not how it was meant. ...what I was trying to accomplish, was to review the facts to try to help you figure out, in what area of its life might his distress be stemming from...that is all. In no way was I placing judgement on you or your capabilities as a mother...Thank you for the update as well. So sorry to hear that he is being bullied It's awful how horribly mean kids can be towards each other... As both a person who was relentlessly bullied and made fun of growing up and as a mother myself, knowing how gut wrenching it is to see our own children in any pain especially when there is only so much that can be done when it comes to social issues... I hope that it gets better soon for him and that he,with your help love and support, is able get thru this without losing his individually. You are both in my thoughts.

Ok, now I just reread your reply...apparently, I am the one having trouble with misreading things! I'm reading my own worries and distortions into your reply! Oy Vay! Sorry I guess I'm not currently functioning at my best...lol! Sorry for all the confusion.