[Jaxmom]

PLEASE HELP!! Our 27 year old son has been back living with us for the past year and a half. Without going into too much detail, he is classic NPD with NO respect for other people, NO appreciation for the roof over his head, the food in his belly, the car that he drives and a zillion other things he just seems to 'expect' us to provide for him. He is unemployed and will not look for a job. He couldn't keep his last two (very short term )jobs because his employers simply didn't appreciate him showing up 3 or 4 hours late every day (their 'expectations' were unrealistic since they were just part time jobs, they should have been grateful he showed up at all!) and apparently one didn't appreciate him stealing money and tools from them! (not HIS fault they expected honesty and integrity from the son of their friends!) Also not HIS fault that his ex kicked him out (she wasn't giving him enough attention, anyway) Also not HIS fault that she had to get a restraining order against him because of some threatening texts and voicemails he left for her (certainly not HIS fault that the day he was scheduled to go to court to discuss the TRO, he chose to go get stoned to 'calm down' before court because his ex made him SO angry - and he would up getting to court over 2 hours late and the judge had already granted the restraining order - banning him from seeing his two young daughters as well as his ex. - but not HIS fault!) Not HIS fault that he couldn't be bothered to fill out the paperwork to legitimize the girls so he might be granted visitation, and not HIS fault he just can't get motivated to go to the court-ordered Family Violence Intervention meetings either. He claims he 'misses' his girls SO MUCH that he just can't get a job until the restraining order 'expires' in October. He expects us to just keep paying his child support for him - and adding to the balance he already owes us - and it's ALL his ex's fault! (?) He thinks he is so much smarter than every one else (he tells everyone he is a 'genius' but his IQ is simply 'Above Average" around 130 or so) He didn't graduate from high school because he didn't think he should have to do homework like every one else ('rules are for fools' after all!) so he had to get his GED. He went to a local tech school for one semester and got kicked out the second semester because he showed up on campus with an 'air soft' gun (looked like a bb gun) on the back seat of his car and someone walked by his parked car, happened to glance in and see a 'gun' and report it to the campus authorities. But of course, it wasn't HIS fault they didn't know it was basically a 'toy gun' and the university system had a 'zero tolerance' policy regarding weapons (even water guns, baseball bats and golf clubs were banned - which he knew - but didn't think that rule applied to him) He tells very grandiose stories about his athletic prowess in middle and high school - you'd think he was the STAR of the football, basket ball, and track teams - but he never even played on any of the teams for skills needed to perform. If you try to get him to acknowledge the true extent of his 'athletic prowess' - no matter how gently you phrase it - you'll be met with a volcanic explosion waaay out of proportion to the situation - and you'll be called a 'hater' because he really seems to believe his own lies - and we have learned to take EVERYTHING he says with a grain of salt - because if his lips are moving, then he's lying (but that's not HIS fault we don't trust him, is it?) He has NO respect for other people's time, needs, priorities or even their property (if he sees something he wants, he should just be able to take it. We have tried many times to point out to him that 'borrowing' something without asking permission is actually 'stealing' - but again, we're just haters, and that's NOT HIS fault!) He routinely shows up HOURS late for family functions (like birthday parties at restaurants or for seeing his girls when he still had some visitation rights) He just doesn't have ANY understanding of the pain he causes others with his thoughtlessness. He has NO respect for rules or laws or social boundaries - they are all for 'other people' and are 'crutches' to prop up society and don't apply to him because he's 'so special'.
We tried getting him involved with the county mental health department - with abysmal results. (Of course, he's smarter and knows more about psychiatry/psychology than all of them put together because he read a book online!) My husband and I really want to get involved in some kind of counseling as well, so we can be on the same page when dealing with him. However, our son has NO insurance and is, of course, unemployed with no benefits and my husband and I have insurance with a high deductible and co-pays are just too high for regular one-on-one visits with a counselor (or two or three-on-one as the case may be) We really need someone with some perspective and experience dealing with NPD and have NO idea how to find someone! We live in the Metro Atlanta area, so you'd thing there'd be SOME WHERE we could get some help for our son and for ourselves. We tried getting some help through our church but we couldn't find any one with experience with NPD that we could afford - besides, our son is NOT a believer (he's his OWN 'higher power', duh!) So suggestions for where we can go next would be great. Groups, online counseling, whatever - we need help! We are on the verge of kicking him out, but we are concerned he'll do something illegal and/or irreversible if we do - and that, of course, wouldn't be HIS fault, either - it would be OUR fault for no longer catering to his whims. PLEASE HELP!!

[Sula B]

From the child of a woman with NPD let me tell you, you are pandering to this person and you need to set him loose. He's no longer a dependent child - you are enabling this behaviour - kick him out and resume your lives. If he ends up in jail let him suffer the consequences - it may just be the wake up call he needs. He's not your baby he's 27 and from my understanding tough love can have a huge impact on NPD. When they finally have to suffer the consequences of their own behaviour, it will motivate them to amend it. Its hard but you need to leave him to his own devices and his own consequences and change your locks and your pin numbers once he's gone.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Jaxmom: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult experience with your son. I'm afraid there's nothing I could suggest. However, I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!