[jlh88]

I have a parent who is bipolar and unaware of it, with a history of substance abuse.

She practically does not ever deal with hurt in a healthy way, and lashes out with passive aggression instead. When a big offense happens, she gives you the silent/near-silent treatment. When I pick up on something, and start asking about it, the hurt does not exist or she's not responsive at all.

Usually I push the issue and drag it out. Right now, I'm thinking 'You've been sitting whatever you're mad about for at least a day now and you're not budging. I'm done. I'm not playing this game."

She also makes passive aggressive comments about long-past situations and when I call her out, the passive aggression/fault on her part does not exist.

She's alienated nearly everyone at this point with her behavior, so I'm nearly the only close family member she has. She talks to a grown cousin of mine regularly, it seems, but that's it, and my mom should not be the cousin's burden. Even with all the issues, I don't want to leave her to herself.

How can I try to get along with my mom in situations like these?

[Skeezyks]

Hello jlh88: H-m-m-m... I don't know... I'm not particularly skilled when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I pretty-much just keep to myself. My personal opinion with regard to this is that you just have to let your mom be who she is... for better or worse... no pushing the issue, no trying to drag whatever it is out of her, etc.

Your mom has had many years to become the person she is. You can't change her. And, really, it's not your job to do so under any circumstances. So my suggestion is to establish some clear boundaries with her with regard to situations where she is lashing out at you (if in fact this is occurring.) And, beyond that, when she's silent... just let her be silent. It's her choice...

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by jlh88

I have a parent who is bipolar and unaware of it, with a history of substance abuse.

She practically does not ever deal with hurt in a healthy way, and lashes out with passive aggression instead. When a big offense happens, she gives you the silent/near-silent treatment. When I pick up on something, and start asking about it, the hurt does not exist or she's not responsive at all.

Usually I push the issue and drag it out. Right now, I'm thinking 'You've been sitting whatever you're mad about for at least a day now and you're not budging. I'm done. I'm not playing this game."

She also makes passive aggressive comments about long-past situations and when I call her out, the passive aggression/fault on her part does not exist.

She's alienated nearly everyone at this point with her behavior, so I'm nearly the only close family member she has. She talks to a grown cousin of mine regularly, it seems, but that's it, and my mom should not be the cousin's burden. Even with all the issues, I don't want to leave her to herself.

How can I try to get along with my mom in situations like these?

With her history of substance abuse, you might find Al-Anon or Adult Child of an Alcoholic groups helpful.

You might also want to take a look at the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

For me, it has been a matter of deciding how I wanted to interact with family members and then simply leaving or hanging up when things got ugly. It's hard, though, to be involved with family who seem to want to hurt you. I think with passive aggressive behavior, ignoring the cold shoulder is the simplest thing to do.

Good for you for loving your mom despite all of this.

[Mygrandjourney]

I am sorry that you are suffering alongside your mother. As is often the case, I agree with the other posters. Working on yourself might prove much more productive than remaining attached to your mother's behaviors. She is who she is. It will take much practice on your behalf, but the first step might be to separate your own well being from anything she does or says.