[BeeBop80]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting. I need help.

I tend to be a people-pleaser, but with my MIL (mother in law), I need your help in our RELATIONSHIP - she has ongoing struggles with anxiety, and how she copes with it/people.

Important background:

Over the past 5 years, my MIL has developed a generalized non-genetic ataxia, a poorly-understood brain disease that produces non-lethal paralysis. Doctors suspect her specific ataxia (they are all different) is caused by an inability to uptake vitamin B to the brain.

It's been very hard on the family, let alone MIL, to experience the slow decline. She has been an independent person, with few friends and a decision not to date or remarry after her divorce 20 years ago. But now she is wheelchair-bound and needs caregiving to eat and use the bathroom etc.

MIL moved into our house a week ago. She says it's temporary. We don't know how long it will be. She has been in and out of hospitals for prescription complications. Her RV is inaccessible by wheelchair. She and her only son (my partner) refuse to move her into a facility, home, etc. There is talk of finding a small co-operative space, but so far, no one seems to be looking for one.

My problem, as I see it:

My MIL has a compulsive habit of needing attention every 5-10 minutes. The interruptions are nonstop, and it's exhausting both my partner and myself.

MIL's "needs" are often about "fixing" our problems. She will bring in furniture and upholstery, housekeepers and cleaners, and repeatedly "asks" if she can assign her caregivers to work for my and my partner's private consulting business, and she critiques our weight, our work, our cooking, everything. I know it's not just us - She does it to herself, too. Her RV looks like Liberace's green room. Chandeliers, mirrored walls, custom exterior paint job, leather swirled couches. And it still has "lots of problems."

My conversations with her often leave me feeling withered, angry and resentful. I'm a people pleaser, it's a tough thing for me to stand up for myself and say "no" to a constant stream of intrusions, and I my love language is Verbal: I can really suffer under constant verbal criticism. I've started spending a lot of time away from the house. It's creating lots of other problems and putting distance between my partner and I.

My MIL also does not like hearing any form of "no." When my partner (who is very good at dealing with his Mom) or I, or her caregivers tell her she can't eat cookies at midnight, she can't keep bothering us for every little thing, and no, she can't put drapes up or change the carpeting, she pushes back hard. If that fails, she starts crying -or- she becomes angry and resentful, calling us mean, cruel, etc.

The last concern is - she is extremely fearful of falling. She wears a bicycle helmet when she leaves her bed. When we move her wheelchair up and down the front porch steps, she develops terror and demands attention the whole time, making it a lot harder!

We've had many conversations about her intrusiveness, boundary-bashing, and criticism. We've established ground rules together. They do NOT work.

My partner and I suspect she has ADHD and anxiety.

What do you think?

What would you advise we do? We are both at wit's end, and it's only been 8 days! She could be living with us for months. We know she shouldn't stay here permanently, but no one wants to assume the full responsibility for her care at this point.

Much appreciated,
R.

[handheart]

Well you must accept that your MIL have a serious problem and it afect other people around her you can try with a therapist or psycholog to help her but i dont know how efective will be