[Help seeker]

My stepson is 17 and he has always been somewhat of a loner. He has never developed close friendships with anyone and he had a very controlling nature. He seems very arrogant and entitled and he lies and manipulates family members. He seems to have no empathy for others. I suspect that he may be narcissistic but I'm not quite sure. I dread and fear his weekend visit because his moods are so unpredictable. When he comes to stay for the weekend he seems perfectly fine. By the evening of the next day he is withdrawn, stone faced, won't interact or engage in conversation or family activities and spends most of his time in his room, only coming out to eat without speaking to anyone and then returning back. By the time we drop him off, he won't say goodbye to my husband or I and he just leaves with this stone cold expression in his face. We are left completely flabbergasted as to what his problem is. The only thing I could think of this last visit that may have set him off was a conversation he had with me where he wanted to address the state of my life and point out that I hadn't achieved certain goals I had had in my younger years. I tried to explain to him very nicely that I am okay with the fact that my life has taken a different turn and I no longer have those same dreams. He couldn't seem to handle that I didn't desire to be famous and successful (which is his goal) and it seemed to bother him a lot that I didn't share the same viewpoint as him. I threaded very lightly during the conversation because I could see how agitated he was. He essentially tried to make me feel like a failure for not becoming rich and successful and it really bothered him that I wasn't concerned with being rich and successful. It was a really awkward and uncomfortable conversation. After that point, he seemed to slowly dwindle from there.

Other times when his mood changes there can be no evident sign of a problem and then suddenly, he shuts down.

How do my husband and I handle this behavior? What could be contributing to his sudden mood swing? It feels like we are walking on egg shells the entire visit. It's very uncomfortable. Anytime he has behaved like this and we have tried to ask him what the matter is he won't tell us. We have tried to take him to therapy before and he would fall asleep in therapy and refuse to speak to the therapist. He told us that he would never speak to a therapist because the idea of talking to a stranger about personal things is laughable and anyone who ever seeks therapy is a loser (he knows I have gone to therapy for anxiety in the past).

I have two toddlers and because my husband works weekends, I am left alone with my stepson for a large part of the visit and I feel unsafe and on guard because of how strange and unpredictable his moods are. What can we do?

Hello.

First off welcome aboard. We must be careful on the site not to make diagnosis.

What does his custodial parent have to say about all this?

If you and your husband can, make an appointment with your family doctor. The school guidance counsellor would also be a great resource. They may be able to have him seen by the school board psychologist.

[Argonautomobile]

What's "wrong" with him? Maybe nothing, maybe everything, maybe something in between. As the previous poster said, we're not really in a position to diagnose. If it were me, I'd keep in mind that I'm seeing him only for a relatively small portion of his life, and that he may or may not act completely differently during the week, with his mom, at school, etc. I mean, does he even want to visit for the weekend? If he doesn't, and is being forced to, that could explain a lot. Maybe he resents that his dad is working during the weekend. Hanging out with (step)mum and toddlers all weekend isn't most teen boys' idea of fun, really.

The one question I guess I'd have is this: Are you concerned about him for his sake? Or is it more simply that he's just difficult to be around?

If you're concerned about him for his sake, then what else is going on in his life? Does his mom report these same mood changes, apparent "narcissism," lack of empathy? How are his grades? What do the teachers say? If he appears to have problems that extend beyond not having a great relationship with you and dad, I'd think that would be something his dad and custodial parent, in conjunction with the school, perhaps, would be in the best position to address.

If your concern is more simply that he's difficult to be around, then, hey, I sympathize. It doesn't sound like you're doing anything "wrong" in your interactions with him. Maybe he's just being an asshat. I have certain strategies for dealing w/ difficult teenage students which I can share...but I get to send them home at the end of the day. Maybe someone who's raised their own teens already will have some helpful input.

I'm sorry things are tough. I hope your relationship with him begins to improve.

[ruh roh]

Does he use drugs?

[AllHeart]

My daughter displays some of the same characteristics -- loner, controlling, expert in my life (as well as everything else), shutting down. She does have empathy, just not always for me. Mood swings. And she can be oblivious when saying good-byes (part of that is due to her dissociating as she has PTSD as well). Sleeps to avoid and sometimes refuses to speak to her therapist. My daughter is like this because of reactive attachment disorder. These are her coping mechanisms because she is so deathly afraid of rejection. She also has high anxiety and has recently gone through a couple bouts of being depressed.

My daughter is almost 13 and we have been going to see a therapist for 2 years. Though she doesn't often participate in therapy as she hates it, but I do see big improvements in her. The therapist also gives me suggestions and ideas on how to deal with and help her at home, too.

I'm not making any diagnosis, of course. I just think your stepson could fit into a number of different "issues" besides NPD. With the mood swings, bipolar also comes to mind. What about taking him to a psychiatrist to be evaluated and/or tested for various conditions?

[thesnowqueen]

"When he comes to stay for the weekend he seems perfectly fine. By the evening of the next day he is withdrawn, stone faced, won't interact or engage in conversation or family activities and spends most of his time in his room..."

From this particular passage it sounds like something in the visit upsets him, so that he becomes increasingly difficult and withdrawn. If that is the case then it is something situational rather than personality traits, but as others have said - we are shooting in the dark here.

[Victoria'smom]

IDK what's wrong but getting him dx'd and treated is important because once he's 18 you can't force treatment. It takes me months of weekly visits to build trust in a therapist.

[RainyDay107]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

IDK what's wrong but getting him dx'd and treated is important because once he's 18 you can't force treatment. It takes me months of weekly visits to build trust in a therapist.

Excellent point.

Does he express empathy?

[Travelinglady]

Hello, Help Seeker, and welcome to Psych Central! How long has he been your step-son? Could he be upset that his dad has remarried and has "new" children? Is he comparing you with his "real" mother?

As someone said, he might get upset at something that happens during the visit. See if you can find anything in common--like what you talk about that might lead him to withdraw and become angry? What concerns me is his not even saying good-bye.

Have you and your husband considered talking to a therapist? He/she might be able to provide some insight and suggestions--plus allow you to express your frustrations.

Please let us know how things go. I wonder if he might offer the cause of his shutting down if you tell him you've noticed he gets upset during the visits, and you don't want to upset him. So what can you do differently? Don't shoot me if that doesn't work. I'm a social psychologist, not a counseling one. Something to think about anyway.

Also, do you ever spend time with him away from your little ones? He might like that--especially if his dad and he spend time together.

I think a fair number of young people think "success" is measured by being rich and famous these days. Does he go to a school with lots of rich folks?

What do the rest of you think?