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TML8277
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Default Sep 11, 2018 at 09:33 PM
  #1
Hi. I've been married to my husband for 2.5 years now. Around 6 months into our marriage he went into a severe depression. I didn't have a clue as to how to handle it. We had a new baby girl and I felt completely abandoned. Needless to say... I think I made it worse. I've tried to help pull him out, but it just isn't working. When I'm distant he panics and comes around, but when I try to reach out to him I feel that I sink in and he isn't reachable. Long story short... He self medicates, he knows he is ill and he absolutely refuses to seek any treatment and has made it clear that I better not seek treatment for him. I'm hoping I can find some guidance. I don't want to walk away. I don't want to give up. Sometimes I feel that's the only option for my sanity and the well being of my children... HELP!
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Skeezyks
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Smile Sep 12, 2018 at 02:02 PM
  #2
I recall replying to one of your previous posts. Really, at least from my perspective, your husband is the only person who can make the changes that need to be made. (Perhaps other members, here on PC, will have some suggestions.) From what you wrote, it sounds as though you've done pretty-much everything you can think of. Your husband self-medicates, he knows he's ill, he refuses to seek any kind of treatment, plus he's made clear you better not do it for him.

Granted it's just my personal opinion; but my opinion is it's time for you to do what you need to do to take care of yourself & your child. (Some individual mental health therapy services for yourself may be worthwhile.) I realize how difficult this may be for you. But having your daughter grow up with your husband living the way he's living is going to have a lasting impact on her as well. That's another factor that must be taken into account.

Chances are when I replied to your previous post I gave you links to a number of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of trying to help someone who doesn't want help. Here are links to 2 articles on the effects, on children, of living with a depressed parent:

Depressed Parents and the Effects on Their Children

Growing Up With A Depressed Parent | Narcissism Meets Normalcy

I wish you & your family well...

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Default Sep 12, 2018 at 04:58 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
I recall replying to one of your previous posts. Really, at least from my perspective, your husband is the only person who can make the changes that need to be made. (Perhaps other members, here on PC, will have some suggestions.) From what you wrote, it sounds as though you've done pretty-much everything you can think of. Your husband self-medicates, he knows he's ill, he refuses to seek any kind of treatment, plus he's made clear you better not do it for him.

Granted it's just my personal opinion; but my opinion is it's time for you to do what you need to do to take care of yourself & your child. (Some individual mental health therapy services for yourself may be worthwhile.) I realize how difficult this may be for you. But having your daughter grow up with your husband living the way he's living is going to have a lasting impact on her as well. That's another factor that must be taken into account.

Chances are when I replied to your previous post I gave you links to a number of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of trying to help someone who doesn't want help. Here are links to 2 articles on the effects, on children, of living with a depressed parent:

I wish you & your family well...

Thank you! I agree with you. I feel torn between doing is what is right for us or doing what is right by him.
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Default Sep 15, 2020 at 07:02 PM
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Thanks for recommending my article, Growing Up With a Depressed Parent. I hope it's been helpful to everyone out there who, like me, tried to jolly along a parent who was always depressed (at least, during Winter!)

- Lenora

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Default Sep 15, 2020 at 08:43 PM
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Default Sep 16, 2020 at 06:29 AM
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Do you mind sharing what he self medicates with and how?

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Default Sep 16, 2020 at 07:26 AM
  #7
I would also suggest looking into resources through the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). It's like an Al-Anon for mental health. It provides support and education to family and loved ones of those with mental illness. There are chapters all over, and there's a good chance there's a local support meeting that you could take part in. Sometimes it helps to speak with other families or people who have been in similar situations.

I would echo what was said. This is his problem to fix, not yours. However, it is your responsibility to protect yourself and take care of yourself. You don't want to be pulled down with him, and also don't want managing his depression and behavior to be your main purpose in life. Definitely get the support you need from others, whether that's friends, family, or professionals. Also there are books and podcasts out there, as well as other tips for how to encourage someone to seek care. You may eventually have to determine what your bottom line and boundaries are. Good luck!
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Default Nov 28, 2020 at 01:15 AM
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Originally Posted by TML8277 View Post
Thank you! I agree with you. I feel torn between doing is what is right for us or doing what is right by him.
You've tried for 2.5 years and your husband clearly refuses to change and he knows how to hook you emotionally, when your instinct is to pull away in order to protect yourself and your new baby.

It seems like you are entangled in a codependent relationship with your husband. Have you ever heard of codependency before? If not, I would encourage you to read up on 'codependency.'

And I would encourage you to follow through on what your natural instinct is urging you to do: separate from your husband so that you can keep yourself and your new baby safe.

Maybe move in with friends or family and break your lease if you decide to leave permanently. Your job and your lifestyle will forever change if you continue to live with someone like your husband, who refuses to take the steps he needs to, to help himself.

Being around an addict who refuses to seek help, is a situation that will only get worse for you in practical ways. He'll stop working b/c he's too high or drunk, or he will lose his job b/c he shows up high or drunk.

Then, you will be forced to be the financially responsible one and you will end up working 2-3 jobs just to keep a roof over your head.

Meanwhile, your baby left alone with your addict husband, is at risk of being abused or worse. This scenario plays out in the news all the time. I realize that is the worst case scenario, but it is reality.

Last edited by Anonymous43372; Nov 28, 2020 at 01:39 AM..
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Default Nov 28, 2020 at 09:58 AM
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I agree that you would need to put yourself and your baby first. If he isn't able to work towards a more independent relationship, then he is sucking you into a co-dependent nightmare. This type of relationship is synonymous with an abusive relationship which rely's on cycles of violence. Literally, this type of relationship feeds on violence and neglect and is not a safe or nurturing environment for a baby.
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Default May 01, 2021 at 02:33 PM
  #10
Wowza! I don't think I could stay that long. You are quite the trooper. My suggestion agrees with what's written above. I'd just like to add, that since he's made it clear for you not to help him, says to me it's his issue and you can't fix him. He self-medicates... meaning he's really not available. We as women think we can fix or change a man or partner. We can only fix or take care of our selves. I understand because having been married 3 times I've done it too. I suggest that you get some form of counseling to understand the dynamic of your relationship. If you're afraid, that's understandable. We're not getting any younger and help is available. I wish you nothing but joy and well-being for your life.
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Default May 03, 2021 at 10:02 PM
  #11
My husband gave me an ultimatum when my son was 3. Either I make an appointment with my primary care dr and am honest with him or he leaves with my son. That lead to a 14 year trip to get me stable. I told him if he ever had me hospitalized I WILL divorce him I was so scared of the hospital, therapists, and psychiatrists.

The Dr miss dx'd me and I had adverse affects of being only on a antidepressant. So when I was up we went to a different dr. He put me on a mood stabilizer and I crashed again. by that point I didn't care what was done so they got me into a pdoc. I went through tons of med changes and different pdocs. Then I had an episode that here convinced me to go to the ER and I was admitted. 3 days later discharged as stable. I had to go back 1 more time.

My pdoc asked me to consiter my quality of life when considering medications. Which at the start I was against and still struggle with. My pdoc formally fired my husband from being in my treatment team. His only job was to tell me to call my team or tell his team (because by then he had a treatment team too.) My therapists have to prove they're not working against me.

So I formally FIRE YOU from his treatment team. Your a good wife but not equipped to handle this. I suggest you get your own therapist. Tell him you are quitting and he needs a real treatment team. Possibly give him an ultimatum BUT if he ever threatens to hurt himself you have to call someone. Let him know that's a new rule in the house.

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