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Junior Member
Member Since Jan 2019
Location: South Africa
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#1
Background: Young guy with alcoholic mom and parents always fighting - says he doesn't even remember whole days of his childhood. Severely traumatised and no therapeutic intervention to date.
Is this behaviour fairly typical for a guy who's been through this kind of traumatic family experience? He had a major crush on me, then ran away from me. We became friends (just friends) as I realised he had major issues. We would chat for hours and hours. He messaged me on Valentine's Day (at night). I once told someone I might move to another town (it was actually a joke) and he got so upset he didn't speak to me for a week. If another guy flirts with me, he looks incredibly hurt and also retreats from me. Many times, he returned my friendliness with suspicion, fear and misery until we made a significant breakthrough and he decided to trust me. Since then, we have been getting closer and closer and even talking about overnight hiking trips (both love hiking). Then he suddenly shut down and didn't respond to my messages. Eventually, after a month, he came back and said he just doesn't have feelings for me and we can only be friends. He did this once before when we got closer. This despite the fact that he has shown clear signs of caring for me as well as being attracted to me (remembers my birthday, takes me for coffee if something bad happens in my life, etc.). I guess he's just unable to take that step? I'm going to gently introduce him to the ACOA group in our area when the time is right (and only if he opens up about needing help, which he sometimes does)...but I guess what I'm asking is: is this fairly typical behaviour for adult children of alcoholics who have been severely traumatised and may even have PTSD? He said he was an unwanted child, practically raised himself and doesn't know what a normal family is like. |
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ClarinetAndCooking
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Perpetually Pondering
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#2
The push-pull dynamic can possibly be part of his learned dynamics Certainly childhood wounds and trauma can affect adult relationships. I think it's difficult to categorise everything into neat little labels. I get the notion of wanting better understanding, though, in order to be involved. There's relationship dynamics that are creating distress, no doubt. Hopefully, he is open to the encouragement to seek support and improve his own skills as it pertains to your relationship with him.
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Threadtastic Postaholic
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#3
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Then again maybe it will bring him relief to have your help and try it out or thank you for the suggestion. But based on his history of fleeing, it may trigger that pattern of behavior. I guess I mean you should take care yourself. __________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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Junior Member
Member Since Jan 2019
Location: South Africa
Posts: 12
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#4
Thanks, that's great feedback - I appreciate your taking the time.
[QUOTE=sarahsweets;6410060]What indicators did he give you that made you think he had a crush on you? Did he come right out and say anything? Did a friend of his tell you? I only ask because it seems like he made it clear he wanted friendship but you also mentioned running away. What was that like? Did he give you an explanation or just ghost you? We did martial arts together and it was pretty obvious - staring, blushing, grinning, running over to greet me, getting physically aroused, stalking me quite a bit. But at the same time, he was very scared. It took a long time for him to even be able to talk to me in the beginning. Later, he managed some very awkward conversations. Also, on two occasions, when hugging, he held on to me exceptionally tightly with a lot of feeling but never brought that up. He said his greatest fear is rejection/abandonment. He would always ask me, "How do you know you can trust someone?" When we had a breakthrough, he stopped running away and opened up to me. He said, "I trust you now. That kind of trust takes a very long time. You just have to give me time - that's all it takes. Nobody else has ever given me a chance, they have just given up." As for other girls - he said he doesn't have luck with them and has never had a girlfriend as he's just too scared of rejection. He said sometimes he likes girls but "it's just lust" and he doesn't act on it because it's not "significant". I only thought of suggesting therapy because he brought it up first. He said he is well aware that he needs therapy but doesn't trust anyone enough to open up to them. He said he knows therapy will help him to get over his fears, but his fears are preventing him from going, therefore it's a vicious cycle. I would never recommend therapy to him 'out of the blue' - only if he brought it up again and asked my advice, which he does very often. He said he is trying to work through his issues, triggers, fears, etc. and I have played a huge role in helping me and he is very grateful. He said he believes we can still be very good friends and he has a lot to learn from me. To me, it feels like he starts getting comfortable with me, lets his guard down, talks about possibly being more than a friend...then gets terrified and denies everything. Yet when he saw another guy flirting with me one day, he had a complete meltdown and literally couldn't talk to me. He was angry and upset for a week. That doesn't suggest friendship to me... I am so glad you are in recovery! That's awesome. How's it going? |
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Location: South Africa
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#5
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healingme4me
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#6
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__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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Perpetually Pondering
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#7
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I'm trying to think how to explain this. I, personally as an adult, returned back to therapy wanting to work on my anxiety types of reactions-catastrophizing, learning boundaries etc despite knowing that I was struggling with my marriage and also wanting to adjust things in my relationship with my mom. One skill built upon the other. Then I could step back and see where my reactions/feelings/emotiins etc were coming from. |
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Junior Member
Member Since Jan 2019
Location: South Africa
Posts: 12
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#8
He says he know he needs intensive therapy but is just not 'up to it' right now. Don't know when he will be, though - he's almost 27. I hear you - I think his ability to understand a loving/meaningful relationship has been completely warped by his upbringing. He pretty much admits it himself. Yes, I have distanced myself emotionally in the sense that I don't expect anything from him any more (I don't mean that in a disrespectful way towards him, but in the sense that I now give myself all the love I want/need in my life, so his behaviour doesn't shatter me!).
I will definitely wait for the right moment to call him out on any BS. He, too, knows he can be hurtful - he said he doesn't want to hurt other people any more. It's nice that we're now at that stage in our friendship where I can say, "You're being a pain in the ***," and he doesn't take it the wrong way! I will, however, make it clear that unless he goes for therapy I can't be a better/closer friend to him. I'll still be there, but won't play a bigger role in his life. He needs to take some responsibility. It's great that therapy helped with your window of tolerance! He definitely needs some assistance with that. The least little sign of 'rejection' terrifies him and he runs away. Soooo happy for you re: recovery, and well done, it can't have been an easy road to walk at all. Congrats! |
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sarahsweets
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sarahsweets
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Junior Member
Member Since Jan 2019
Location: South Africa
Posts: 12
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#9
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Yeah, I hear you. I think that's a good idea, actually. At this stage, I guess anything wold help him as he's pretty badly damaged (his words, not mine). In the meantime, I will try to be a good friend to him when I have time (since I can't over-invest, given that he's just not ready for anything more at this point in time...). Have a good weekend! And thanks for the response. |
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healingme4me
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