How to reach husband who has PTSD and disassociates?

Hi. My husband and I have been married 10 years and have two daughters together. The older one is autistic and the younger one had a traumatic birth defect and spent her first six months in ICU, culminating in a heart transplant. My husband developed PTSD from this.

He sporadically sees a counselor, and a psychiatrist. They allow him to use PTSD as a reason to not do things he doesn't feel like doing. I.e., playing with his dog, answering our daughter when she asks a question, bathing more than once every ten days, regularly helping with house work (we both work full time).

However, this has become unsustainable. I'm having to take everything on without much help, just to keep everything running. I have depression and anxiety, take my medication as directed and see a counselor regularly. But I simply can't continue doing it all. My husband realizes he can use his diagnosis as a sort of excuse, and that the psych professionals he sees will allow that.

What can I do to get us out of this situation? He won't change providers and they won't talk with me about my concerns for him. There has to be an option other than just burning out.

I have PTSD and it's not an excuse to not do things.His treatment providers may "allow" him to do that but have you told him you're not willing to allow it?

Hi Betty. Yes, I have approached him in love, in a calm manner, without accusing. He often says nothing at all. When he chooses to respond, it is often either (1) defensive, or (2) gaslighting, trying to move the blame to me. I can shut that down pretty quickly, but then he resettles into saying nothing.

Have you considered couples therapy or are you in therapy on your own to help deal with him?

We have done four or five couples' sessions with my counselor in the last two years. He doesn't agree to go often; things have to get really bad. I go to my counselor regularly for my own anxiety/depression, for Theraplay with my daughters, and to get ideas and perspective for how to help things be better with my husband.

What exactly do you mean when you say his counselor and psychiatrist "allow" him to use his PTSD as a reason to not do things he doesn't feel like doing?Are they telling him it's ok,are they telling him he shouldn't be doing anything?I don't get how they allow him.

You said he sees them sporadically,have you thought about telling him he needs to be in treatment on a regular basis until he can get his PTSD managed and make some forward progress before your marriage is ended because of it?I don't like giving ultimatums but maybe something like that might be needed?

I have times when I don't really do anything because of my PTSD,times I have to take time to do a absolutely nothing when my symptoms are in high gear.But once I start feeling better I'm back to usual routines.If he's like that all the time he clearly needs to be in treatment regularly.Could it be that his PTSD is really bad and hes really struggling with symptoms? Maybe he does feel so bad that he's not capable of doing anything.Or do you think he's just using the PTSD as an excuse but really isn't symptomatic?

PTSD is really hard to deal with and even worse if it's untreated PTSD.I hope things change for the both of you.

I guess what I mean is that they do not work with him in any way to help make the PTSD better. I know it's not easy, and sometimes feels impossible, but I also know there are activities and thought processes, etc, that can help. Instead of complacently accepting the role of the victim.

I often suggest he go more often to his counselor, and that's the only reason he goes at all, even sporadically.

He is able to function, he works full time, and he goes to board game nights with friends once or twice a week. He can summon the ability to do the things he wants to do. He just has no sense of responsibility for doing the "boring" job of adulting--being a husband, father, homeowner, pet owner, etc. And at those times, he plays the PTSD card.

Maybe it's time you give him an ultimatum,either he starts getting treatment on a regular basis and working on improving himself or else(whatever "or else"would mean to you)?