Girlfriend is daughter of narcissist mother. She is copying her mother's behavior.

A little background to start is that my significant other and I have been together almost 6 years. We've been living together for a year and a half and I am 39 years old and she is 35. We plan on getting married and have a wonderful relationship however, starting 6 months ago and as recently as last night she is exhibiting some really disturbing behavior and I'm not sure how to handle it or what to do.

She comes from the best example of what is described as a narcissistic family I've ever seen and her mother, an obvious narcissistic mother, rules her and her siblings with the authority of an all powerful dictator. They are all adults aged from late 20's to Mid 30's and two of them still live with the mother. To give an example of the level of enmeshment the mom has I will just say that she is completely intertwined with 3 out of the 4 of them and has full control over all aspects of their lives. Her youngest son, the Golden child, while showered with gifts and provided with anything he wants (as long as it's not something that would enable independence) cannot keep a relationship as his mother has decided he can't have sex until marriage. He is 28 so the fact that he can't even spend the night somewhere with a girl is not viewed positively by girls he dates. The mother also still is on all of their bank accounts and credit card accounts with full control over them. My girlfriend cannot change this due to fear of the repurcutions. Since my girl is the only one of the family to have resisted the enmeshment she is the black sheep. This is manifested by absolutely no assistance in life whatsoever and complete indifference to her life outside the mother's house. My girlfriend MUST spend every weekend at her mom's with her family. I feel like they need to feel that technically she still lives with them. That our apt is solely to be close to work. Also we cannot tell her mother we are living together as she does not believe in anything before marriage. Her views on life are imposed on her children and they are mandatory. This has resulted in identity and self esteem issues for all of them.

Having given a little background info I will get into what my girlfriend has started doing. Six months ago she finally confided in me about her mother's psychological abuse over her entire life. This mainly consists of criticisms or forbidding all interests not associated with herself. Imposition of the mother's life beliefs and adoption of these being mandatory. Complete unwillingness to emotionally connect or even respect the feelings of her daughter. Almost like she has no right to have them. Refusal to communicate and constantly sowing confusion. Passive aggressive comments and actions. Feigning ignorance of the most blatantly obvious examples of these things. Confusion, word play, and gaslighting being her go to tactics. My girlfriend has researched this and she talks and vents to me about it. Lately if she vents about her mother I can expect that within a few days she is going to feel guilty and what she does is she will start treating me exactly the way her mom treats her. Now she's told me how her mom is. So her doing the exact same thing to me, given I'm aware of how her mom treats her, is baffling because I see what she's doing. I'll call her out and have done lots of research on narcs and she will just keep doing it. It's as if she's trying to recreate the dynamic but this time play her mother's role. Now given that she's told me about her mother and she knows I'm knowledgeable on narcissists and their tactics (cause I point them out when she does them) what scares me is why is she attempting this? Is this a biological thing that she just can't help? Because I'll call her on it which I'd think should kinda trip it up yet she will just try the same narcissistic tactics over and over.

Sorry for the novel but is she biologically incapable of not doing this? What are my options?

Hello Mitch: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central.

You asked if your S.O. is biologically incapable of not engaging in narcissistic type behaviors. I doubt anyone here on PC is going to be able to tell you that. I certainly can't. (I personally doubt anyone really knows for certain to what extent narcissistic behaviors are biological versus learned.) However, at least to my mind, I doubt it makes a lot of difference anyway. The behaviors your S.O. is displaying may have become so ingrained in her, as a result of having grown up with them, that whether or not there is a biological component may well be just a technicality. The important thing here, at least to my way of thinking, is that in order for there to be significant improvement in your S.O.'s behavior she is going to have to come to the realization she is doing what her mother did, make the commitment to change, & then seek the professional mental health treatment she needs in order to heal.

I know you wrote you've done a lot of research on narcissism. However here are links to 9 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may help to provide some additional perspective with regard to your situation:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder vs. Normal Narcissism

The Female Malignant Narcissist is Just as Dangerous as Her Male Counterpart

What Are the Signs that You're in a Relationship with a Narcissist?

What to Expect When you Marry a Narcissist

11 Ways to Set Boundaries with Narcissists | Narcissism Decoded

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narci...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/liber...-false-claims/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...essional-help/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/engagin...es-counseling/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Perhaps she developed borderline personality disorder from growing up with such a toxic mother. Given her mother is so controlling and practices shunning when you don't do things her way, it's very possible that your girlfriend genuinely doesn't know what to do with her own emotions. Your girlfriend needs to see a therapist and would probably benefit from DBT therapy.

You can't change her. Your girlfriend genuinely doesn't know what "normal/healthy" is, not her fault. She has to want to get help and seek help for this challenge from a professional therapist.

It sounds like if you get married you will be married to her family as well. I would personally not do that at this time without getting your GF to get away from that type of behavior. If she will not untangle herself you have to accept that she will also be married to her mother or end the relationship.

Welcome to pc.