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Veteran Member
Member Since Sep 2018
Location: Birmingham UK
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#1
Another contributor raised the topic of difficult older people, in her case parents in law. Fully understand that dementia and other illnesses can seriously affect behaviour, so not criticising sufferers in any way.
What's led me to post is my mother's behaviour. Always been difficult, due to how her mother behaved, favouring her other younger daughter. As a result my mother openly favours my brother over me. In her eyes he can do no wrong. During yet another confrontation recently, due to mishearing what I had said, she accused me of shouting when all I did was change the tone of my voice. Obvious from her body language when I arrived that it was going to be a difficult afternoon. Had all the usual snapping and snarling, with usual dose of bitterness about everyone who had wronged her. What I did learn was my aunt (her sister) has told her about the way she speaks to me. She has an amazing memory for all the bad things people have done. When challenged about what she's said, then conveniently forgets, only for it to come up in conversation months/years later. Also has many ways of calling me a liar without actually using the word. Now accused of trying to turn her against my brother because of issues between me and SIL. I'm content for her to go to his house on UK Mothers Day soon. He won't recognise the gesture, viewing it as another opportunity to falsely show everyone how great he is in caring for her. My final comment was most family members seem to think I'm just there to be their punchbag (not literally), without any consideration for my feelings. That's then construed as I can't cope. I remember my ex saying his mother was the same, before she got ill. Talking to a health professional, he was relieved (not necessarily right word) to learn that most difficult people don't get that way purely because they're ill, they've always had these traits. Have also heard descriptions that they become childlike, but sometimes conversations are too complex for that to be the case. ![]() ![]() |
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Wise Elder
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#2
What you are describing has nothing to do with age.
__________________ "...don't say Home / the bones of that word mend slowly...' marie harris |
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Grand Magnate
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#3
I love you bring up the topic about age. You showed lots of compassion so, I take my hat off in front of you.
I sometimes forget this perspective and find difficult to put on elderly people’s shoes. They went through not only physical but mental changes and the way many times, we saw them from the outside. Said that, I agree with what it has been already said. I sort of think your mother is as she is, independently of her age. Maybe with age, her traits were reinforced or she didn’t learnt much. Aging has the good side that in spite of you loosing some skills, this is counteracted by wisdom and personal development. Questions for answer yourself. If you compare your mum’s relation with you in the past and now? Is there a meaningful difference? Have your relative ( this case, your mother) went through a relevant change that could imply hin/her acting in a different way? I have assumed recently that my mother and I don’t understand each other. We are very different in relevant stuff for me, so I don’t find this closeness I felt in the past. There was a big change in her life. It gave her the possibility to be more her and we are incompatible. So my relation with her is pretty much as a superficial one now. I don’t think I have given any response. Only wanted to express how much I understand your feelings and worries. __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
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#4
I must agree with ALL the other wise and wonderful Posters, @poshgirl! I am not sure if this behavior is a result of old age, how as your relationship with her in previous years? In any case, I do believe that when you get older you become more stubborn and that some personality traits can be taken to the extremes! I am not sure how you can deal with it. Have you already tried to talk to her? I'd suggest to talk to her about ALL of this and see how it goes from there. Definitely try to talk to her. Hopefully, if you talk to her, she WILL understand what you mean and perhaps she will make an effort to change her behavior a little bit if you just talk to her. In any case, if things don't change, just try to limit her contacts with her. You need to take care of yourself as well too! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @poshgirl, your Family, your Friend, your Mother, your Brother, your Husband, your Ex-Boyfriend, your Sons In-Law, your Children and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK, MY DEAR, SWEET, KIND, AWESOME AND WONDERFUL FRIEND?!
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#5
slight strokes, major strokes, dementia, etc can influence behavior...it has been said that they take down the barriers , so you get people with no filters. that could very well be what you are experiencing with her. if she had a tia (small stroke) or the onset of dementia or Alzheimer's, parkinsons , etc...these could easily effect her behavior towards people. you may not have even noticed any other issue (physical) regarding her behavior or even the stroke itself if it was small.
I saw it in my mother after her first tia and then with each additional stroke and then her dementia. with each incident, her filter became less of a filter. they don't realize what they are saying and it isn't worth the battle to correct it because it isn't going to happen. my mother would also rage against vocal to e changes etc. what I finally did was just basically tone it all out. I was her primary care giver so I had no other option but to be there...at first the words hurt but once I tuned them out I did what I needed to do and that was it. |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#6
Unfortunately, what you are describing is all too familiar. There are individuals that "carry the hatchet" and often as is in what you are recognizing "THEY NEVER LET IT GO". It's often, as you are describing, a waste of time to talk to a person like this who simply will NOT let go of their "hatchet".
I have an older sister that is EXACTLY like what you are describing. And she got worse and worse as she got older. In fact, it's gotten so bad it's embarrassing for me when others are around to witness it. Let your brother handle it, maybe he really does deserve a medal for taking care of her. The best thing to do for your own mental health is to limit your exposure to her. It's a waste of time to try to point ANYTHING out to her either, as you have experienced all that results is how she wields her hatchet at you. |
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Veteran Member
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#7
Deliberately kept initial post fairly brief as I didn't want to share too much., but you've all contributed to the wider picture. Let me elaborate.
Brother has always been her favourite because he produced her only grandchild. Mother once accused me of not trying to give her what she wanted. Ex sister-in-law told me that mother had said she couldn't love both her children because of way her mother had brought her up. That was first hint that we wouldn't enjoy a good relationship. Stepfather was epitome of old fashioned husband who demanded total attention and she dutifully obliged, despite fact he hit her. When they moved house, she began affair with widowed neighbour whilst he was still alive. This guy so different; welcomed at all our family get-togethers, sadly he died. Then another widower moved in and they became an "item" although she claims they were never intimate. He got dementia linked to alcoholism. For around six years she weekly told me I was horrible, heartless just because I suggested she left his family to handle everything. There was something about him that didn't rest easy. Fast forward; last year she was admitted to hospital, suspected TIA. Discharge letter questioned this. Consultant appointment three months later still didn't confirm it. Possible cause of "episode" was dehydration. Also lack of regular checks on calcium levels, so those meds were stopped. Another 36 hours without sleep after visit to A&E, same as 2 years before after fall. Despite losing my job over 4 years ago, there's been no interest in my job hunting. She even said she wouldn't ask because I could say it's none of her business. In my view, no employer would entertain me taking so much time off for many medical appointments and food shopping. Aunt and I have suggested she get a mobile hairdresser. No, she doesn't want anyone in the house. Instead, I should sacrifice more of my personal time taking her to mine. Brother should experience more of her behaviour but I think she's angelic when with him. He's taken her to two med appointments in a year, invites her for Sunday lunch around every 4-6 weeks. Supposed to do jobs for her, then "forgets". Yet everyone thinks he's fantastic and I'm supposed to be thankful that he and SIL think I'm doing a wonderful job in sorting out mother's meds. During her hospitalisation last year, I suggested to him that we discuss her situation. His response "it's okay, you're alright there". What he meant was no, you can continue as you are. Nice! Hope I haven't lost anyone in this rather lengthy reply. I'm due at docs on Friday for blood tests results from annual check up. Dreading it as I know I'm neglecting my diet. Much better in summer when I can eat lovely fruit and salad ![]() |
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Grand Magnate
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#8
I have to postpone what I have written until reading the last post by the O.P.
__________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
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#9
Azul, you've made very valid suggestions which I've already tried.
Just accepting what she's saying riles her, challenging unacceptable comments the same. Am in danger of repeating brother's comments last year, which could bring on a stroke or worse. We've no appointments this week, so will see if she calls me. Also supposed to be going clothes shopping, but can't face it at the moment so went on my own. No doubt I'll confess to that at some point, lol! |
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Grand Magnate
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#10
You seem as a very good daughter. This is the first I wanted to say.
I’m not or will be a mother so I can’t even talk from experience about how much love you can have for your kids. Equal, different, conditioned... All I know is that people establish different kinds of connections among them based on many factors as laces of blood, characters, the way each person evolves... There’s few you can do to change it apart from following your own path, stand up for yourself and do what you consider more fair. No matter how they behave. If you think you are doing something right and accord to your principles, do it without expecting. Many times you can’t expect what they cannot offer. I wrote in the post above if you ever tried what Mickey Cheeky suggests. I mean to talk directly with her and tell her how you feel? __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
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Legendary
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#11
There are lots of good comments here. I agree, not all elderly are difficult, and the comment about the mini strokes has me wondering if this is the case with my personal issues.
My theory is that elderly become more helpless, like babies. People start out helpless and emotional and end up that way (sometimes). Bless those with patience and understanding and may we all have help from kind souls when we need it, too. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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#12
I am sorry, it sounds like you have been handed the nursemaid role in this situation. I had misunderstood and thought your brother had been doing that. Sounds like they both have some kind of hatchet.
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#13
This is really about family Dynamics not age... This is a very common problem in families..
I dont think anyone needs to just roll over and take whatever crap is thrown at them. I dont know if you see a Therapist but I suggest you do.. A Therapist can help you learn how to set boundaries and keep them up when someone is trying to roll right over them. Keeping them up can be a hard thing to learn but it can be done. Its doubtful your Mother will ever change and be a Mom you wish she could be. You will have to learn which battles is worth the energy you will spend and which ones you will learn to let roll off your back. Life just isnt fair.. My Mother favored my brother. I have no idea why, she just did. Be kind to yourself and maybe start writing down things that she does that anger you.. You will likely find key issues that you clash, then you choose what your just not going to tolerate and be forceful is telling her your will not tolerate X any longer and that you will just get up and leave and do so. Will she get mad Yes ! But so what, let her get mad, she will either get over and act nicer or she will consistently watch you walk out the door.As she learns you just wont deal with her about X then add another thing your just not going to deal with.... Boundaries?they are hard to build and keep strong but everytime you dont allow someone to knock them down they get stronger. You really have no control over what your Brother does or doesnt do, sad. But you can control what you tolerate and do. Good luck ![]() __________________ Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
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#14
No I have to admit I think it is a real phenomena. I wish people would stop pretending like it doesn't exist because they are offended by it.
There seems to be a lot of maladaptive behaviors that take control as some people age. It seems too much of a coincidence not to be related. Of course, not everyone but IMHO it is a thing that happens to a lot of them. I hope it doesn't happen to me. |
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Veteran Member
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#15
Thanks for all your continued comments.
Did start to document all the events, but it's lapsed when things appeared to improve. This behaviour has been constant for many years if I stop and think back. Going to college may have been the trigger when I changed from shy and malleable to having an opinion. Perhaps a therapist would help. Have challenged her or decided to keep quiet, but it's like poking a stick into an animal's cage; both stances annoy her. Yes, have become unofficial nursemaid, who's expected to do personal tasks. Thankfully she's not incontinent but it's showering and washing that I'm afraid I just can't do. Even if I could, doubt whether she would have confidence to as shower is over bath. Think it's due to fact that for as long as I can remember she's been obsessed with medical matters, wanting to show me C-section and hysterectomy scars. ![]() Earlier I remembered a former colleague who had aged parents. She often referred to "the kids". At first I thought it was her nieces and nephews, until one day I realised just who she was talking about. Sorry, but I did find it amusing, not realising then that I'd be experiencing the behaviour first-hand. Thanks again, you've all given me food for thought... ![]() |
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Grand Magnate
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#16
I realised I made a big error but treating elderly people as a different group, with all this about compassion and putting myself on their shoes.
So, retract myself from these words. The only fact to call “kid” an elderly person is very insulting. How this person could feel if (s)he hear it, this person who should be value for how long (s)he lives and the wisdom accumulated. I have been thinking what we call an increase of stubborness could be explained because of our prejudices and when we to try them to do what we see more convenient for us and their understandable reluctant to do it and depend on certain things on others. I want to rectify. My father was stubborn always so he continued being the same. But there were many traits that I discovered as a personal development. He became more understanding, sensitive, fun, smart, to name ones. My grandmother, ones she was cared and medicated, she was such a reasonable person. Calmer and as she was always an open person. __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2014
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#17
Quote:
My other grandmother told me directly that my brother was the apple of her eye when I was taking care of her in the hospital. And this wasn’t anything new for me. That happens. Maybe for my brother’s character. He’s more easy-going, the only boy...that also counts a lot in the past. I’m more stubborn and not easy-going at all. __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2014
Location: Spain ( the land of flowers and gladness, lol!)
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#18
I think that independently that we are talking about personal experiences on both sides, the only scientific proved is that aging biologically takes changes, different hormonal levels, decrease in some skills for different people in a different level. There are people who are older than me whose physical skills are much better than mine, because they train.
So, I still think we have prejudices and lots of myths about elderly people. I’m aging and what I see is a loss physical abilities but my mind is better than ever. So, I think we are being fairly unfair. Thus, in my opinion, we should be thankful for the help they offer us with our children. And with the patience they are doing it. They took care of us and now of our kids. We should recognise their labour. The only way the person changes is by the circumstances, they have more experience or this time, unluckily, if they develop an illness that can affect their brains. __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2014
Location: Spain ( the land of flowers and gladness, lol!)
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#19
Goshgirl, don’t feel criticised, please. Some others of us are at fault. Don’t feel alone and consider we are here to give you our personal view of your story and support you in the way we can. As Christina says, it’s most about family dynamic.
__________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
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#20
@poshgirl, you are very kind to be caring for your mother and you are certainly justified in feeling frustrated. Her pitting siblings against each other and playing favorites is really unfortunate, a really bad way to parent.
PC is a place to vent and we don’t always have to be so politically correct. They are your feelings. Sometimes children care for their aging parents and essentially get paid by inheritance or similar, so there is a give and take. All give and no take is not healthy for you, Posh. I hope you are not just letting her take advantage and not even be nice to you. You have a life to live for yourself as well. Hugs. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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