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poshgirl
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Default Mar 12, 2020 at 02:58 PM
  #21
Again, thanks for your valued opinions.

Can fully understand mother's frustration that ageing has not been kind to her. She once joked about being horrible as a child, pulling wings off insects. During our childhood, the fix to us being cheeky was a sharp slap on the legs. She even hit my brother with a wooden rolling pin.

Everyone is against her. Some people (not relatives) are willing to help for so long, then have to carry on with their own lives. She says this is them being selfish and takes offence. Recently told me that my aunt (her sister) had dumped her in favour of going out with SIL's mother (they go to a weekly craft club and other events). My brother has stopped cooking for her, don't know why. My efforts have been met with mixed comments. All done in slow cooker (crockpot); steak was tough, carrots soft. When I left pieces larger she said they weren't cooked enough

Will stop there! Your contributions greatly appreciated. I've taken them all on board. Unfortunately, cannot discuss with her doctor without her being there.
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Unhappy Mar 19, 2020 at 06:15 AM
  #22
Don't know whether I should continue this thread or just let the subject go. This morning, she called me to cancel shopping trip for food and other essentials. Don't blame her as it's cold and wet here. Yesterday when I did my own shopping, also picked up some items for her and delivered, as I was close to her house.

In conversation with brother and SIL last night, both advised her not to go out because of Covid-19. It's mother's day in the UK on Sunday; brother has not yet decided whether he's going to visit our mother or not. Now, he's also finally offered to try and get any items not available locally.

What transpired during phone call was her usual comment about not mentioning anything about my SIL because "I've noticed your reaction, total lack of interest". The reason why is documented on this site. Comment totally uncalled for as despite SIL having the unacceptable attitude she has, I do care about her health. Probably more because she's the mother of my lovely niece. Forced out of mother that SIL needs surgery beginning April.

The point of my post is I've been sitting here for the past hour, alternating between tears and anger at the way I'm being treated for SIL's unacceptable behaviour. My reaction totally because mother is unwilling to accept the truth because it involves her favourite child. It's pointless telling her all the unacceptable things he's said in the past, as she's already said she doesn't believe me. Part of my frustration is when I challenge about unacceptable behaviour, she turns on the tears or keeps telling me I'm not always right. She can dish it out, but can't take criticism. Just the same attitude her mother had, which she loathed.

Sorry for the rant.....
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AzulOscuro
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Default Mar 19, 2020 at 08:41 AM
  #23
What does SIL stand for?
I looked it up in google but I’m not sure. Does it have to do with people who have competence as caretakers?
I think your aunt is the one you are referring to all along the thread? Am I right?
Sorry, but I have to understand well, before writing more?
Btw, your mother did well by staying at home. This is a very hard crisis and as long as she can get the shops made by you all, the better.

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Default Mar 19, 2020 at 10:40 AM
  #24
AzulOscuro, thanks for reply.

SIL used to mean sister-in-law. No not my aunt. Sorry, was writing whilst upset. Caregiving has fallen to me, with precious little input from my brother and sister-in-law.
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Default Mar 19, 2020 at 01:22 PM
  #25
You’re welcome. I think you have very good intentions and you are suffering a lot.
I can’t avoid feeling reflected in your story.
And I know it’s hard. I even had nightmares because I feel out of place in my closed family compared with my two siblings.
From now on I made the decision to behave and took things a little cold-headed because I already did what I had to do to clear things up and make them know how I was feeling. Now, it’s on their part. I’m gonna be as I am and even try to get closer to them if it’s possible but I don’t have responsibility on others actions. I have to think also about myself.
In these cases, when there’s a mother or a father in the story, any confrontation you may role may be worse for you, because the other relatives are gonna tend to see things on the parent’s side because they are older, they have been always the providers, they are not in your place...so, I would ask you to try to be as cold-headed as you can to safe yourself and future relations.
I don’t know if I made sense in your case.

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Default Sep 02, 2020 at 02:14 PM
  #26
Warning, this update could be lengthy!

Lockdown has been a very interesting experience. I've continued to shop for her and worked out a very good system for socially distancing. My brother suddenly stopped his visits and providing meals. My aunt continues to visit although she's now subject of my mother's wrath.

One day, my aunt used the wrong words when advising my mother that she would do a job for her. They had a row, culminating in my aunt saying she would only do what she was asked to do, not offer. For nearly two months, my mother has criticised my aunt to me, expecting me to agree with her.

About four weeks ago, mother had a fall. Neighbour heard her cries so came to her rescue. It was same day as mother and aunt had another exchange of views. She didn't need hospital treatment and didn't want me to tell brother or aunt. Two weeks later, brother asked to meet me at mother's house to discuss how to help her. First, his attitude when arriving was rude and arrogant, maybe because I got there first. Then he threatened to walk out within ten minutes because I produced a notebook to write down anything I needed to do. After that discussion, he apologised for telling me the F-off last time we met. I thanked him and said it had taken a long time. He said no, he had intended to do it when he saw me.

We then discussed situation between his wife and me (post: my sister in law lashed out at me). When I tried to say anything, he talked over me. Did raise my voice. Was not surprised by his bullying tactics, he's a dinosaur when it comes to human dynamics. Then my mother showed her true colours by actively criticising me in front of him. The whole time he had a smug grin on his face.

Today was shopping day. Mother tried to engage me again in criticising aunt, by saying she had been cast aside in favour of her friends. I know my aunt is very upset by my mother's attitude, we've talked about it. As I did, she's written everything down to try and understand. Her daughter and a friend have advised that she continues to visit. I've asked my mother what would happen if my aunt and I stopped helping her; she said she'd have to get a cleaner. Also, my brother can't do anymore because he's so busy and well thought of at work.

I'm learning to zone out the constant comments that her state of mind and health are due to what's happening in the family. She seems incapable of accepting that her son has done anything wrong and can't tell him his behaviour is unacceptable. As a result, my aunt and I are now bearing the brunt of this behaviour.
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Default Sep 17, 2020 at 02:53 AM
  #27
Well, yesterday was interesting!

After enduring over an hour on Saturday where my mother barely drew breath when criticising my aunt and the possibility of it ending in a disagreement with her. Yesterday she started on the subject again. Now we're in local covid restrictions again, my aunt cannot visit.

I repeated the same as said on Saturday; it was up to her to discuss with my aunt as I couldn't provide any answers. Also, I wasn't there when my aunt said what she said or at subsequent discussions between them on the subject. First, I was not interested then it escalated into the usual accusations.

When I said I was going home, mother then started on the emotional stuff. How I suddenly hated her and how could I leave her when she was so upset. If this had just started to happen, then it could be perceived I'm being hard, but this has been going on for a while now. When I said I was phoning my aunt, she pleaded/begged me not to do it, becoming almost hysterical. Was asked if I was still going to help her, my reply was don't know at the moment, I'm not accepting this behaviour so going home to think about it.

My final question before leaving was "now you've alienated both the people who've helped you a lot, who is now going to do it?" Her immediate answer (no time taken to think about the answer) was my brother and sister-in-law. I just stopped myself from saying good luck with that one!

How much of this is someone supposed to absorb before saying enough is enough. It's difficult because of covid, when you've provided the bubble to make sure she still gets food and checks on her welfare. I know I've talked about this so much now but just can't believe this behaviour
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