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Default Nov 27, 2020 at 03:34 AM
  #1
My mother has been in a nursing home for almost 1.5 years. When she first entered her nursing home, she was able to walk to and from her room to the nursing home cafeteria three times a day. Over time, she lost her mobility and now prefers to stay in her room because even with a walker or wheel chair, she is not strong enough to walk the 10 minutes it takes to the cafeteria.

So, here's where the nurse retaliation part comes in. I have followed the nursing home's policies for having a hold placed on my mother's meal plan, when I want to bring her lunch or dinner to her room to eat with her, to keep her company. It's especially good for her on holidays like Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.

The procedure is: contact the nurses at the nursing station, ask them to send an email to the kitchen staff for the date and meal that should be held (i.e. not delivered to the resident's room). Each time I have followed this procedure, the nursing staff at my mother's nursing home have failed.

About five times now, I've arrived with a homemade meal only to see my mother eating at her table in her room, from the lunch or dinner tray that the aides brought from the kitchen. And, each time I've complained to the Health Director and to the nurses, asking them to correct their "so called" communication problem between the nursing station and the kitchen when I make these homemade meal/hold meal plan requests. And each time, I'm assured the problem will be fixed.

The retaliation part comes after I had a nurse fired for inappropriate behavior while on duty. It was my mother's birthday and I had asked the day before to have her dinner held so I could bring her her favorite homemade meal. When I arrived, again, my mother was eating from her meal tray in her room, instead of waiting for me to bring her homemade meal. The nurse at the nursing station shouted to me, "Death is more important than food orders! I had a death in my family. I don't have time for your nonsense." So, I complained and she was fired (or so I was told, I don't have any proof other than the Executive Director's verbal promise).

If you work in healthcare, as a nurse or an aide, you are supposed to follow your building's procedures and policies regardless of what's happened to you in your personal life.

That happened a few months ago. Since then, my attempts to bring more meals have been thwarted by the on-duty nurse as a form of retaliation (I believe) for complaining about that nurse.

Tonight was the last straw. It was Thanksgiving. The day before I asked the nurse on duty to email the kitchen staff to hold my mother's meal so I could bring over some homemade Thanksgiving dinner for her, which she was thrilled about. The nurse even called me today on Thanksgiving to reconfirm that she had notified the kitchen staff. Well, apparently, the kitchen staff claim she never notified them because an aide brought my mother her dinner tray to her room.

I brought the dinner tray to the nursing station and the nurse refused to come out. So I stood there. One of the aids came over and called me a *****, and tried to punch me, and the on-duty kitchen chef had to grab the aide and hold her back. I walked back to my mother's room, had our homemade Thanksgiving dinner, called some relatives, then as she sat and watched tv, i emailed the Health Director and Executive Director and relayed how their nurse retaliated for not following through on her job's tasks, and how the aide tried to beat me up and called me a *****.

Then I called my state's ombudsman and started a complaint against the nursing home and the Health Director, the Nurse, and the Executive Director. I had found out from my mother that the kitchen also had not been delivering her breakfast and lunch to her, because they are pissed that they have to walk her meal trays so far.

So, I did a telephone complaint with the Dept. of Human Services tonight. My hope is that the County will step in and fix this horrible nursing home's passive aggressive nursing staff.

I am really upset that this continues to be a problem. If we weren't in this stupid pandemic, I'd be able to take her out of that hellhole, for restaurant visits instead and wouldn't have to deal with the stupid nursing staff and aides always ****ing up my requests with no follow-up or consequences except for that nurse being fired.

I don't know if any other caregivers here can relate to the nonsense that nursing homes get away with. I just want my mom to be safe at her nursing home. I can't remove her b/c she is on the elderly waiver and the waiting list for those beds is long at every nursing home.

Even if I had just set down the dinner tray tonight outside of my mother's room, that nurse and that aide still would have retaliated against me. I still would have emailed the Health Director and Executive Director and I still would have called the State Ombudsman to file a complaint against my mother's nursing home. I'm just fed up.
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Default Nov 27, 2020 at 02:01 PM
  #2
Dear Motts,

What a distressing situation!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Nov 27, 2020 at 02:12 PM
  #3
What a story! It sounds like a really poorly run home! I don't know if there are any other places where your mother might be better cared for?
I worked in care for years. Between inept management, institutionalised carers (that put routine over good practice), and (no offense) demanding relatives, it is often impossible to even take care of individuals basic needs on a daily basis, never mind going over and above.
I am sorry to be blunt, but this is a HUGE societal problem, that your complaints are unlikely to fix any time soon, unfortunately.
I would really suggest focusing on what you can do immediately for your mother, especially if she isn't getting regular meals!
If you can't take her out of there (and even if you do), I would really recommend ignoring the management's policy (or at least recognising it's limits), and talking to the regular staff that see your mother every day, and that cook for her, if possible.
Could she have her own calendar, or a communication book in her room, where you can write in the dates of your visits? That way a conscientious staff member might take the time to directly inform the kitchen staff.
Wishing you and your mother well, and kudos to you for going up the ladder with this issue!
I can tell you that I had to leave the profession because of personal stresses, but also because I strived to promote best practice, and that is a sure fire way of making enemies in lots of these establishments, unfortunately
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Default Nov 27, 2020 at 08:32 PM
  #4
Thank you for your post, @KBMK. Especially since you used to work in nursing homes. So, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I agree with you that my mother’s nursing home is a really poor run nursing home and without her elderly care waiver, her room would cost $7,000 a month! It’s outrageous.

I can see why you left your line of work. And yes, I agree with you that the way we take care of the elderly is a huge societal problem. I wish there was a good solution but even nursing homes aren’t the answer because of the neglect and abuse that is allowed to happen.

This morning I received a phone call from the executive director. She’d read my email I’d sent last night. She tried to defend the nurse, who I learned was STILL THERE hiding inside her nurse station office (the light was on, the blinds were down) when her aide went ballistic on me and I had a shouting match while holding my mother’s dinner tray.

I explained to the executive director that it’s no excuse (the nurse’s behavior). I said, “The nurse should have verified with the kitchen at 5 p.m. when dinner was served and I was there with my Thanksgiving food, not to have the aide bring my mother a dinner tray. So, this situation is entirely that nurse’s fault!!!” I didn’t tell the executive director that I filed a complaint with the county either. Why should I tell her? I feel like that is the only way to get this situation with the kitchen and nursing staff fixed — to have the County involved.

The phone call ended with the executive director “promising” she’d fire that aide (like that is the problem). I told her that this problem keeps happening and there’s literally no logical explanation why, and that she needs to prove to me that the problem will be fixed somehow.

I like your suggestion of talking to the kitchen staff and aides myself. However, I doubt they will be willing to talk to me after what happened yesterday with their fellow aide worker, while the idiotic nurse who is responsible for this whole mess, hid in her nursing station. Had she taken responsibility for her ineptitude I still wouldn’t be fuming as I am right now, even after talking to o the executive director who refuses to hold the nurse responsible. So, the County will call the executive director and hopefully scare the **** out of her. And if she dare retaliate against my poor mother, I will get the County involved yet gain.

My mother has dementia. She doesn’t know what day or what month or year it is. Her short term and long term memory is gone. So, putting a calendar or communication book in her room is pointless. She doesn’t even know how to use a telephone or tv remote control.

The nursing home policy is that the caregiver (me) is supposed to tell the nursing staff what date/time to hold the resident’s meal. And since there are 3 shifts of aides, it would not work to leave notes for the aides in my mother’s room, unfortunately. Although a good suggestion, it’s just not practical because of how inept this nursing home staff clearly are.

I decided that after this, I won’t bother trying to bring my mother meals anymore. It’s just not worth the stress. However, the County will definitely have an impact on the missing meals problem there for my mother. If it doesn’t, I will hire an elderly lawyer. I just want my mother to be safe there. To remove her to another nursing home will be a process. I’d have to get her name on a waiting list for elderly waiver beds and make sure the nursing home isn’t a step down from the one she’s currently at.

As you know from being a care worker, nursing homes are hellholes. Aides are paid low wages so they just don’t give a damn about the memory care residents’ well being.

My hope is once the COVID vaccine is administered to nursing homes like my mother’s, I’ll be finally able to take her out of there on “visits.” I could at least take her to restaurants for celebratory meals like her birthday, and other holidays. She’s not completely gone and still knows me. But she has lost a lot of her memory since she’s been in that nursing home for over a year. I feel like that environment has sped up her dementia somehow.

Like, almost 2 years ago my mother could drive a car and walk without a walker. Now, she can’t walk without her walker and she definitely can’t drive and she doesn’t walk very far. Not to mention the medications she’s on, that I disagree with her geriatric doctor about.

Thanks for responding @KBMK. It helped a lot to hear from someone whose familiar with the nursing home environment.
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