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MalaKai79
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Member Since: Jan 2022
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Default Jan 25, 2022 at 06:06 AM
  #1
Hi,

It's been so hard to find a place to talk and share the story. My bipolar partner (still can't manage to say ex) is alive. I'm very much not coping. She left on Christmas Day last year. We had been together for two years. Some extremely tough times and some amazing times. I'm 42 years old so not young and had so much love experience. I've had quite a few partners over the years. In saying that, none of them have I ever felt absolute devastation over like this. I'm talking soul deep devastation, not just a heart ache.

I had a nervous breakdown the day she left. I am really struggling to move on. My head, heart and soul is a complete mess.

Unfortunately throughout the relationship (once she was diagnosed) she pushed me away and shut me out. That was painful and it hurt. I wanted to be there alongside her supporting her. The diagnosis hit me hard too. I didn't make it about me. I wanted to be strong for her. Up until the time she was diagnosed, she welcomed my support. When she did get diagnosed, I was shut out very quickly and quite harshly.

I was told I was controlling and that she didn't want me involved, she could and would make her own choices. I told her I would stay out of it and not get involved. I thought If I did that she might come to me when she was ready. She never did. And if she did I was so scared that I'd come across as controlling. I watched my words carefully. I didn't realise at the time that it was harming me and harming the relationship. I went many days when her silence went all day and all night. She would shut herself in the room. I would give her space. Be gentle in any conversation. So many days would go by, I felt so incredibly alone. I would cry a lot to myself. Most times after many days of being ignored I would go to her sobbing and begging to be talked to. It very rarely changed anything.

That was in 2020. As is obvious she was not diagnosed when we met.

There is a lot of history. Fast forward to 2021, we had broken up. I still loved her tremendously. I still was with her nearly all of the time. I had so much love for her. A deep love. I wanted to be with her again.

At around September 2021, I went through something really major. It was close to her losing me. She really stepped up and took care of me at the time. She was so loving, so kind, so attentive and told me that she was in love with me and would go whatever it took to work on getting back together and having a good relationship. I was so happy and started to drop my guard and open my heart again. I truly believed her.

Fast forward to early December 2021. She started becoming distant. I didn't understand. A week prior she was expressing how she couldn't be without me and she could a d would never be apart from me.

On Christmas Eve, she was talking to someone on the phone. (cool by me of course) I was thinking, I hope she made a new friend for her. But the house echoes and I heard her saying some things that really hurt me. It's very much not like her to talk to anyone new and so openly. I felt strongly in that moment she was having an affair. It would explain the constant pinging of messenger, ignoring me, getting distant and just basically treating me like I didn't exist. That night, she also took my Christmas presents she bought for me and put them in the bedroom with her. I wasn't in the room when she took them. I came back to find them gone. I was so upset. Christmas is a difficult time for me. I don't have any family of my own. None at all. She is all I had. I had a very abusive family. It's hard without family. Hard to deal with and accept. So she knew this. But she wasn't there for me. I do feel it was an affair she was having. She made fun of me on the phone call to this person when I asked her to keep her voice down. I didn't want to hear the conversation anymore.

That was the last straw that led to the fight. The next day she left and I have not seen nor heard from her since. She left most of her belongings here. It's time to get rid of them soon. I can't hold them forever and I need to move. I've had no response from her about collection and I've tried many times.

I have so much work to do from being so cruelly betrayed. I don't want to open my heart ever again and I keep praying for the universe to never send anyone my way. I truly don't want to live my life in a relationship. It broke me so deeply that I know there is permanent damage.

I feel that this was partly her illness, however I also believe now that it was also abuse. Just because she has bipolar doesn't mean she us not capable of making clear choices. I cannot hold the bipolar completely responsible for the choices she made. I can have empathy and compassion for her illness, however the crushing of my soul means to me that she did do something very wrong to hurt me, bipolar or not. I feel that shouldn't be overlooked. My pain, my hurt. I feel that a mental illness nor having one excuses causing someone who loved you to the moon and back, excruciating pain. There were days I couldn't breathe when I was sobbing and holding my chest near my heart with pain, the nights I longed for her to just be here. Sometimes there's just no words.

Please be gentle. I'm very fragile right now. Thanks.
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Smile Jan 26, 2022 at 04:16 PM
  #2
Hello MalaKai79: I see this is your first post so... welcome to MSF. I hope you find the forums to be of benefit.

I don't think there's a lot I can offer with regard to this. (Perhaps other MSF members will have helpful insights they can share.) Clearly, the situation is complicated. It sounds to me as though delving into all of this with the help of a skilled mental health therapist may be the best way to sort out what all took place as well as what it means for you going forward.

I know you wrote you never want to be in a relationship again. And perhaps that will, in fact, turn out to be the case. However you're still young (at least by my standards since I'm 73! And as time passes, and you meet new people, you may come to feel differently. If so, you don't want to be still carrying around the baggage from the unfortunate experience you've described here. At least these are my thoughts on the subject. My best wishes to you...

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Default Jan 26, 2022 at 11:06 PM
  #3
I'm very sorry for your pain. Relationships with bipolar involved can get very complicated. I know it doesn't feel like this now, but the pain will pass. I went thru something painful in the Summer and i am only now feeling like myself again. I am happy to have switched gears back into being single again and treasure my freedom, independence and privacy. I sure didn't think i'd ever feel this good again. Be patient and just get thru the days as best you can. You sound like a sensitive soul. So am i. There's a 'relationships forum' that might be of help to you also. I empathize with your pain and hope it passes as quickly as possible.
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Default Jan 29, 2022 at 08:04 PM
  #4
@MalaKai79 so sorry your relationship is so painful right now. It must be rough for you to go through.

What options are you considering to take as the next step?
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