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Unhappy Mar 19, 2022 at 01:46 AM
  #1
Hi Everyone, I am new to this group, but I was looking for a little bit of support and it has been pretty difficult to come by. I'm sorry in advance as this is a super long post. I have been with my boyfriend for three years. About a year and a half into the relationship we moved in together and I started noticing patterns in his behavior. Long story short, his anger started to be explosive, he would have extreme manic episodes, and his baseline was depressed. His fits of rage became too much and I told him that in order for him and I to be together, I need to feel safe. (I'm a former DV/SA survivor) He would self injure with hair pulling, hitting himself in the head, head banging, and was very destructive punching holes through walls. I told him that I really want to be with him but if it is going to be unhealthy or dangerous for me I can't, so if he gets help I can be patient, but if he doesn't want to get help that is completely fine and I wouldn't hold him against him; it's a lot of work and he would have to want to change on his own. I would never force him to change.

He was emotional but said that he wanted to feel better, so I helped him find a Psychiatrist and a Therapist. He started going and got diagnosed with Bipolar I. As time goes on it seems more and more like he might also have Borderline Personality Disorder. Because even though his medications helped with his rage and self-injurious/destructive behaviors, he is still being very emotionally abusive. He talks down to me in a condescending way, will do things to try to bait me into an argument (which I don't entertain), but it is super frustrating and triggering. One day I am his best friend and the next I feel like he hates me. Last week he slammed the brake in the car and when my body flew forward and I grabbed the dashboard he told me "You should've worn a seatbelt." Asking me if I understand things all the time, if I don't hear him once and ask him to repeat himself he yells, and pretty sure he gaslights me and uses my affected memory to try to make it seem like I'm crazy and he doesn't do some of the things that he does.

He will act in a very manipulative way when he hurts others and will immediately try to find a way to make others to feel bad for him such as saying he wants to die the second I try to hold him accountable for his behavior and stand up for myself when I am feeling disrespected or triggered.
As I am a DV survivor I am very aware of emotional abuse/emotional manipulation. It just seems that he has made strides in his behaviors, and we have great communication; we talk about everything, maybe not immediately but we try to talk things out. But it's at the point where I feel no matter what I say it doesn't change. I am pretty tired of repeating myself and I have been patient but it's like a lose lose situation. I stay then I'm hurt, I leave then I lose my best friend and favorite person. I am also in therapy and have been working on controlling my triggers and not blowing up at him but staying calm and even toned and direct (black and white) with my boyfriend.

I go to therapy with him so I briefed his therapist that I am noticing borderline symptoms and we had our first session all of us together for couples therapy. He told us that he will be screening for BPD next session. We are trying to make it work because we love each other, but it is super draining and I don't know what to do. I know it's difficult to unlearn a lot of the behaviors which has gotten him his way his whole life.

Him and I were able to acknowledge that a lot of the time when he lashes out it actually has nothing to do with me and that I'm the closest one and he shouldn't do it, but he repeatedly does it and I'm tired of apologies with no change which I told him. But he always says he is going to try and do better and make comments about thanks for not leaving him, which is manipulative I think in itself as it makes me feel bad or obligated to stay.

So for anyone with Bipolar I, please help me out! I'd love to know how you would like to be interacted with or any pointers to get through to him, or if it's a lost cause and it's bigger than bipolar or borderline personality disorder. I don't want to believe that he is this cruel person based on his behaviors, but I know for sure I don't want to build a family where my future child is seeing daddy talk to mommy like garbage and destroy things in the house. Or if it's a lost cause, please let me know. This is super hard for me so any feedback is super appreciated. PLEASE HELP.
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Default Mar 19, 2022 at 07:07 AM
  #2
What would you like us to say? Welcome to our world?

Go to couples therapy. That's the proper way to deal. Jus' Sayin'.

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Default Mar 19, 2022 at 02:53 PM
  #3
@jhendershott weclome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry you are suffering with a person with mental health issues.

The first question I would ask is "Do I feel safe?" If the answer is No then I would have a safety plan if things get unsafe where you are. This could include calling a friend or family member to come get you, arranging for temporary housing if things get bad, and calling the police if things get violent.

The second question I would ask is "What am I getting out of staying in this relationship?" It is not easy to break away when there are definite benefits, but when nothing is worthwhile then it becomes an issue of do I want to sacrifice my own peace of mind to try and help this person. This can devolve into codependency. If you do not have a personal therapist, you may want to consider talking to one if that is possible. Another option is to start talking to Women's Groups that support women in violent situations.

The Problem with Bipolar is the Mania Phase where it is possible for the person challenged by it to lose touch with reality and live in their own reality. sometimes they will refuse treatments saying they are fine and do not need any. This is my experience with Bipolar. It takes a person that is highly committed to a relationship to endure manic episodes. It really challenged me and my abilities to cope. Without professional help with the situation, I am not sure how I could have handled it.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. NAMI and DBSA both offer online support groups for family members of people who are family of people struggling with mental health issues. They also offer in person support groups depending on the current state of Covid in your area.
@CANDC

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Default Mar 20, 2022 at 01:06 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by CANDC View Post
@jhendershott weclome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry you are suffering with a person with mental health issues.

The first question I would ask is "Do I feel safe?" If the answer is No then I would have a safety plan if things get unsafe where you are. This could include calling a friend or family member to come get you, arranging for temporary housing if things get bad, and calling the police if things get violent.

The second question I would ask is "What am I getting out of staying in this relationship?" It is not easy to break away when there are definite benefits, but when nothing is worthwhile then it becomes an issue of do I want to sacrifice my own peace of mind to try and help this person. This can devolve into codependency. If you do not have a personal therapist, you may want to consider talking to one if that is possible. Another option is to start talking to Women's Groups that support women in violent situations.

The Problem with Bipolar is the Mania Phase where it is possible for the person challenged by it to lose touch with reality and live in their own reality. sometimes they will refuse treatments saying they are fine and do not need any. This is my experience with Bipolar. It takes a person that is highly committed to a relationship to endure manic episodes. It really challenged me and my abilities to cope. Without professional help with the situation, I am not sure how I could have handled it.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. NAMI and DBSA both offer online support groups for family members of people who are family of people struggling with mental health issues. They also offer in person support groups depending on the current state of Covid in your area.
@CANDC
Thank you for your couth in the lack of mine.

Im feeling manic right now which is why I was so flippant before. It doesn't excuse it but it explains it.

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Default Mar 20, 2022 at 10:26 PM
  #5
I have SzA: bipolar type and my husband has bipolar. We each have a team; a dr, psychiatrist, and a therapist. Each have our own therapist. Honestly the first time I was told to go to a dr. was under threat of divorce because I couldn't get out of bed for weeks. That was the first time of many that I went for help. The second time I went for help, my husband was already seeing a therapist himself and I thought she was going to hospitalize me. So I got my own therapist.

For years my therapist and drs. "job" was to convince me to stay on medication. Then I moved and I was asked if I want the option of injectable medication and I jumped at the chance a shot once a month vs pills daily hell yeah. It made me more stable but not enough. So I do have to take some daily medications. I think taking medication out of my hands was the best thing my treatment team could have done. Honestly I could not start changing until I was more stable.

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Default Mar 21, 2022 at 09:10 AM
  #6
I don't have a lot of time to post right now, but my situation is a long relationship with a man who has undiagnosed mental health problems. He may be bipolar and he may be borderline, and he may be other things. I have fallen into that place where I am a complete and total codependent mess who is trying to escape the twilight zone at present. I have a kid whose life is screwed up (and she's a wonderful kid) because her father doesn't currently have the ability to behave like a predictable adult, and her mother (me) has invested too much in his illness.

IF you really want to try and make a go of it, the counseling sounds like a good idea, but from 30 years of experience, my advice to you is not to meet him where he is. All the love in the world will not fix his issues, it will only depleat you. I spent many years accommodating and trying to help my DH until we are where we are now. I don't even talk to him much because he's always about 30 minutes from a meltdown if I do.

Best advice, get on your own healthy bus (so to speak) and stay there. Have an expectation that he join you in the healthy world. Yes, he can't do this on his own, but the only chance he has at getting healthy, with you, involves you being healthy too, KWIM?

I started by learning about boundaries about a year ago, and you need very strong boundaries with someone like this. Once I started enforcing healthy boundaries, it's forced him to own more of his own behaviors rather than slog them off on me. I'm working on myself in regard to codependency- which for me basically means refraining from enabling him and in turn making him own his own situation. This is incredibly hard for me, but important for everyone in the house.

I'm expecting things to get worse and don't know if there is a future here. I cannot leave for a variety of reasons at this point.

Bottom line, he needs to own his stuff, and you need to own yours. If I had this to do over, I'd say I wouldn't, but if I had been healthier insofar as boundaries and such, it would never have gotten this far. It would have ended long ago or he would have gotten help.

Hope there's some wisdom you can use in there.

Last edited by ArmorPlate108; Mar 21, 2022 at 11:15 AM..
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Default Mar 22, 2022 at 01:49 AM
  #7
Thank you so much for your response and point of view! I definitely believe that my boundaries over time kind of dwindled. When him and I first met, everything seemed so great he treated me amazingly so I excused a LOT of his behaviors because I couldn't believe this was him. He has been adamant about starting a family and I told him that he has to wait and he has to heal and change his behaviors. I told him that I am not going to raise a child witnessing toxic behaviors that he is displaying nor would I want my child to be affected or see me being triggered. He understands this. We are always super honest with his psychiatrist but I feel he used to hold back from his therapist because I would go to those appointments with him when he would ask me. We just had a meeting the end of this week and we both talked about how he has been acting and how I have been responding to his behaviors. I have my own individual therapist and psychiatrist as well as I have C-PTSD/ADHD/Depression. We are both trying to do some work on triggers and communicating with each other no matter how bad we want to let it go. His therapist said that he could start couples counseling with us once or twice a month, and my boyfriend actually said he felt really good about that and wanted to try. I am going to see how it goes but I told him flat out that I am going to be very firm with my boundaries so if it upset him I'm sorry but I'm not longer holding my tongue to save his feelings while I feel there is a disregard of mine. So far so good but we will see how it is when the next manic episode hits. Thank you so much for your feedback and advice. Honestly that is exactly worry about; codependency as I am a DV survivor, and raising a family. I am so sorry that you have been dealing with this for so long and I wish you all of the luck with enforcing your healthy boundaries. It sounds like you're doing an amazing job and working on healing and that is so admirable.
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Default Mar 22, 2022 at 01:53 AM
  #8
Hi There, I am sorry if I offended you with my post. I am starting couples therapy soon. I had one mini-session with his therapist (all three of us together) and it went pretty well and brought a lot of insight to him as to why I respond the way I do as well as tips on setting boundaries and communicating healthily. I hope you have a wonderful day and thank you for your feedback.
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Default Mar 22, 2022 at 02:11 AM
  #9
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Originally Posted by CANDC View Post
@jhendershott weclome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry you are suffering with a person with mental health issues.

The first question I would ask is "Do I feel safe?" If the answer is No then I would have a safety plan if things get unsafe where you are. This could include calling a friend or family member to come get you, arranging for temporary housing if things get bad, and calling the police if things get violent.

The second question I would ask is "What am I getting out of staying in this relationship?" It is not easy to break away when there are definite benefits, but when nothing is worthwhile then it becomes an issue of do I want to sacrifice my own peace of mind to try and help this person. This can devolve into codependency. If you do not have a personal therapist, you may want to consider talking to one if that is possible. Another option is to start talking to Women's Groups that support women in violent situations.

The Problem with Bipolar is the Mania Phase where it is possible for the person challenged by it to lose touch with reality and live in their own reality. sometimes they will refuse treatments saying they are fine and do not need any. This is my experience with Bipolar. It takes a person that is highly committed to a relationship to endure manic episodes. It really challenged me and my abilities to cope. Without professional help with the situation, I am not sure how I could have handled it.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. NAMI and DBSA both offer online support groups for family members of people who are family of people struggling with mental health issues. They also offer in person support groups depending on the current state of Covid in your area.
@CANDC
Hi There, thank you SO MUCH for your response. I really appreciate it. In terms of safety planning, I do have a plan in place. (As a DV Survivor--I always do). In terms of what am I getting out of the relationship, I think a lot about that. I think all the time about if I would deal with this situation differently if I had nipped it in the bud and was strict to my boundaries from the beginning. It was hard because I did not notice he had these issues until we lived together and I started seeing it. However, can't turn back time. For a lot of the time I was thinking that there were no problems in how I responded to his issues, calling myself patient, when (as his therapist told me) I should be calling out all of the behaviors immediately if it is safe to do so. I told my boyfriend from here on out you're going to have to expect it. I am VERY concerned about codependency and it feels like this is happening as I am such a people pleaser as I used to be abused for five years with my former partner. I realized that I have work to do as well so I'm trying my best through therapy and medication. I am actually starting a DV support group tomorrow! So I'm definitely trying my best to work on myself. In terms of boundaries, the one thing that I've made clear is that if he stops taking his medication or refuses treatment then he has to get out of the house and go back to his mother's because I refuse to be in an unsafe situation again. Because of this, he has been taking his medication. He can struggle with missing doses sometimes, but for the most part he is doing good with it. He has been going to therapy and we are starting couples therapy. I am hoping that this works. If not, he knows that if this doesn't go in the right direction and there's no progress towards growth or healing at all then I am ending the relationship. Again, thank you so much for all of your advice and compassion!
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Default Mar 22, 2022 at 06:28 PM
  #10
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Hi There, I am sorry if I offended you with my post. I am starting couples therapy soon. I had one mini-session with his therapist (all three of us together) and it went pretty well and brought a lot of insight to him as to why I respond the way I do as well as tips on setting boundaries and communicating healthily. I hope you have a wonderful day and thank you for your feedback.
I was the one being offensive. Please excuse my boorish behavior.

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Default Mar 22, 2022 at 09:21 PM
  #11
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So I'm definitely trying my best to work on myself. In terms of boundaries, the one thing that I've made clear is that if he stops taking his medication or refuses treatment then he has to get out of the house and go back to his mother's because I refuse to be in an unsafe situation again. Because of this, he has been taking his medication. He can struggle with missing doses sometimes, but for the most part he is doing good with it. He has been going to therapy and we are starting couples therapy. I am hoping that this works. If not, he knows that if this doesn't go in the right direction and there's no progress towards growth or healing at all then I am ending the relationship. Again, thank you so much for all of your advice and compassion!
Glad it helped. You have very good boundaries. I have to administer the meds every day to insure partner takes them. Having leverage like sending them back to moms if they do not take meds is good strategy. Also having boundaries when you feel you are receiving emotional abuse, like excusing yourself and going to the bathroom or your room can help. It gives both people time to cool off. If they get out of control a friendly reminder of the boundary agreement may help sober them up.

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Default Mar 22, 2022 at 09:28 PM
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I am going to see how it goes but I told him flat out that I am going to be very firm with my boundaries so if it upset him I'm sorry but I'm not longer holding my tongue to save his feelings while I feel there is a disregard of mine.
The hardest thing for me to do is not lash out when my boundaries are not obeyed. But getting angry only makes me feel worse. So I am setting boundaries for myself too. When I feel anger arising, I put up a stop sign in my mind and start to contemplate what happened last time I went into this emotional discharge. It usually made me totally miserable so I refrain. It does not make what the other person does right, but giving myself this space can help me to deal with enforcing the boundaries calmly and without anger. It is a constant experiment, a work in progress but the early signs are promising. I feel better and can deal calmly with the person most of the time lol. @CANDC

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