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ArmorPlate108
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Default Apr 13, 2022 at 05:36 PM
  #1
I haven't posted much in a few weeks,but desperately need some support.

Recap:. My DH has significant undiagnosed issues going back 5-8 years- now more significant than before. Don't know what is problem is, looks a bit like bipolar, a bit like borderline, a bit like mdd, a bit like eod. Could be All of them, could be none.

He basically had a nervous breakdown last week. He's had some problems at work, leading to disciplinary action. Worst part about that is that his poor judgment was supported by his bosses, so he did it. And of course he's the only one on the hook for it. But he has cognitive issues and some other people were talking around in a way that got him confused. He felt they were doing it on purpose because they know he's struggling- I don't know. Can see it both ways. At any rate, he broke down and came home before they saw him distressed.

This is so unlike my husband of ten years ago. It is a 180 degree personality change. It's so scary to see him like this.

Amazingly, he contacted mental health help and was able to start with a counselor already. They didn't get much done in the first appointment, but he wasn't as resistant as he could have been.

He is also set to see a psychiatrist in a few weeks. He's much more resistant to that.

Before the breakdown last week, I have been exercising more and more boundaries. I am frustrated, sick, neglected, and getting close to my limit. Hope has left me. Even if my wonderful husband comes back, there is so much damage here. I have a teenager whose life has been upside down for way too long.

He's off work this week. He's mad that I put down the boundary of him not taking dd to school or picking her up. She needs relief from being around him, especially at that time of the day. He's been trying to use a lot of guilt tactics in regard to that, but they aren't working on me anymore.

When i got home this morning, we were chatting and I made(what felt like to me) a simple comment that I hoped he might be open to considering medication when he talks to the psych. I don't see that as a stigma and don't care if he ends up on meds, but his interpretation (which feels like borderline right now) was that I came at him yelling and screaming that he has to be on meds. I never said anything close to that, just expressed my own hope that he might consider the possibility- I know, stupid me, I should have known better. But every simple comment is twisted into a personal attack on him. It's been a hellishly long day.

I don't know how much longer I can live like this.

He's basically been avoiding me all day. Rational conversation isn't possible- and that's not just a today thing. Once again,my teenager has had to come home from school and see her father is a mess and that mess is controlling the mood of the house. We did our usual things, but it's a weight on the house still.

I love this guy and have compassion for him, but he is getting impossible to live with. I've made a decision to stop talking for the foreseeable future. I'll chat with him if something inane comes up, will get him for dinner, etc, but open ended conversations probably need to stop for now. Anything open ended is quickly turned to make him the victim, even the most minor things. I'm beat.

Seriously, how does one survive a one sided relationship? Can you?
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Victoria'smom
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Default Apr 13, 2022 at 10:15 PM
  #2
Let the psychiatrist and therapist talk him into trying meds. It took years for me to get the right dx and treatment and longer to stay on the meds. I would suggest that you get your own therapist as well as get one for your daughter. Eventually when he's ready you can go in as a couple but right now you're taking care of someone that is sick. Mood swings I view like epilepsy the big emotional outbursts are like a grand mal and the shut downs are the silent type.

You can't judge the relationship while he's sick. You may have to get to know this new person. Even with medications he may be different. I would refrain from trying to label his mental state.

How to survive:
Both be in therapy
Writing down and hand it to the person. It's a lot harder to miss communicate when it's written
Do something together that doesn't involve talking. Like a movie just sit in each other's presence.
Take time for yourself.
Get into the habit of having a date night with your teen. Build up those relationships.

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Thanks for this!
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Default Apr 14, 2022 at 07:58 AM
  #3
Miguel'smom, thank you for taking the time to read and respond. And thank you for the suggestions, they are good.

I am trying to see the illness as the illness and not him, but I also feel like I'm five years into his illness and he's less than one (when he started to be able to acknowledge problems). I recognize my own faults for not handling the situation better over the previous years, but at this point I am just so exhausted. Again, I can see that part being more about me than him...

We live in a mental health wasteland. Counseling for me w/ insurance would be once every three months if I were lucky. For him, it is much better because he has hit a crisis point. Not great, but that's how it is here. I've looked into online counseling sites. But can't afford them.

Yesterday he said that the psychiatrist was going to have to figure it out, as in he wasn't going to offer any information on his own. I have to remember, that might just be his drama coming to the forefront to bait me.

Watching movies is our go-to,but when it's just him and me, he'll be very difficult and try to start a fight. I just tell him I'm going to find a movie and he can come watch with me if he wants- usually he does. Dd hates watching movies with him because he will often talk the entire time - I don't know why he does this, if it's on purpose or not. Frankly, at this point he's hard for anyone to be around. He won't go for walks or anything like that either. He seems to want to be difficult, the rest of us are spent.

At this point I've lost hope that he'll get "well" at some point. Like every person, I know I have a limit somewhere

Thanks again, I'll go through today with your suggestions in mind.
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