[Saphael]

In my family, my mother is probably the kindest and hard-working. Even though her parents all but neglected her and treated her horribly, she still worked hard and now that she is successful takes care of them. None of her siblings do, so all the responsibility is on her. My grandma, however, gambles. My grandmother is very selfish and arrogant. The economy is bad, and since my mother is a small business owner, she has been affected greatly. She says that we have just enough money to last a year right now, so she's been trying to find more ways to earn money. However, my grandmother gambles, and has recently demanded that my mother give her about $55,000 to pay off her debt. When my mother asked why she needed the money, she only got angry and said that she didn't need to know and that she just had to give the money to her. My mother refused, but then my grandmother started yelling, calling her worthless and saying that the debt was her fault since she had kicked her out of the house. (My mother had not kicked her out of the house. She had bought another house for her to live in.) In addition, she threatened to kill my grandfather and then kill herself if she didn't get the money. My mother is very kind, and all she wants is for someone to love her...but of course, it seems that she is not getting it from her mother. She broke down when I asked her about what happened. She kept repeating over and over that she was a worthless and horrible person, despite my attempts to calm her. She said that she couldn't tell my father since he would probably divorce her if she insisted on giving my grandmother the money, and he would probably divorce her if she didn't tell him before taking out the money. I'm actually quite apathetic towards the situation I suppose, but it just hurts to see my mother suffering so... But I'm only her daughter, and I do not know how to hug or kiss or comfort. I lack the emotional attachment necessary, I suppose. However, I still want to help...What can I do?

[(JD)]

I'm glad your mother refused. Her mom is suffering from a gambling addiction, which is quite common for elderly. (They are in essence self medicating, the high they receive by gambling is caused by an increase in the "feel good" brain chemicals.)
Help support your mom by countering her negative talk, tell her that's her mom talking and not the truth. Encourage her to get her mom medical and psychological help, social worker, case manager whatever she can find. Depending upon her mom's age, there is help there. I think there is also a hotline 1 800 admit it ???
It's good to see that your mom wants to honor her mother, and that she can stand up to her with her own family's security in mind. Give her a hug for me.
I suspect you are lacking the emotional attachment for many reasons. Be sure you aren't numbing out of anxiety or fear.
If you are eager to help, call the local hospital and talk (it is free) to the social worker and find out what resources are available for your grandmother. I do think that since she's threatened suicide, your mom can call the police and report it. It might give her some much needed urgent care and keep her from doing anything permanent because of her disorder.

[nightbird]

That is excellent advice!!!!!

I hope you can tell your Mom that Grandmother is not right about your Mom.

If you can build your Mother up a little, by encouraging words, I think you both might feel a little better about the hurtful things Grandmother has done.

Meanwhile, Sky told you how this can be handled in the best possible way.

Good luck to you.

Peace,
nightbird

[Saphael]

Thanks everyone for the advice =)

The problem though is that both my grandmother and my mother think that therapy is useless and so forth...despite my efforts to convince them. My grandmother is also paranoid, so she doesn't trust anyone...I've been trying to help, I suppose, but there isn't much I can do. They refuse to open up to anyone, and now that I ask my mother about what she's done now she just edges away and avoids the subject. She doesn't want to open up to anybody it seems... And she doesn't open up to her husband either... I'm not sure if she did give her the money in the end or if she didn't... When I tried asking, she refused to tell me, saying that it was none of my business... I really want to help my mother, but she doesn't take me seriously and refuses to open up... The only thing I'm doing right now to "help" her is probably being her source for stress relief...which is easy enough for me lol. I don't know how to convince her to go to therapy though...I'm sure (and she has even admitted) that she probably has depression and anxiety problems...But she doesn't trust anyone enough to open up...