[whoswho]

Ever since my dad suffered 2 strokes when I was 15, my mom and I have been taking care of him. He forgets to feed himself. He forgets to bathe and shower--and if he does, he won't wash his hair (we fight about this very often). All manner of impulse control is nonexistent: he buys coats and watches off eBay that we can't afford/don't need and drives to the store at 2 in the morning to buy 3 gallons of ice cream. His mood oscillates between an immature childishness to a complete apathy for everything and everyone. He speaks in a nonsensical manner because he has difficulty thinking of "the right word" to say, e.g., he called mashed potatoes "a pile of muckets" or, if he wants you to leave, he will command you to "go peddle your papers!" However, he can become verbally abusive if he senses a miscommunication or that the other person is not understanding him (which is essentially bound to happen sometimes).

I suppose I was wondering if anyone has had a similar experience caring for a disabled parent, especially as a minor. Also, because I'm graduating high school this year and am considering university, my mom is trying to make me feel guilty about leaving the family behind. I have two older brothers who are both adults that I feel should be more than capable of helping my mom out if she needs it--but then again, they are lazy and childish themselves, so I'm probably expecting too much from them. However, I also feel like my dad doesn't need as much attention as he used to, especially since the first 6 months after having his strokes. I believe that he's not totally incompetent, unlike what my mom seems to think. Am I wrong for wanting to leave my family behind or for expecting them to be able to take care of themselves, even for a relatively short period of time while I'm away?

Any advice and wisdom is highly appreciated.

[lynn P.]

Hi Whoswho,
no I don't think you should feel guilty for going away to university. I wasn't 15 when my mother had her 1st stroke - I was about 20 but I felt very guilty when it was time to get married. My mother had another major stroke when I was 25 and she lived wheelchair bound for 7 yrs after that.

I think your mom needs to delegate more responsibility to your brothers and they need to step up. You can't put your life on hold because of this. I know it's very painful dealing with a parent who's suffered a stroke - one minute they're your strong parent and the next minute they're like a child. Don't let them make you feel guilty and they will manage. Best of luck.

[whoswho]

Thank you, lynn. I think I just needed to hear it from someone else.

And I've never met any other 15 year old with a parent that's had a stroke, although I'm sure there's someone out there besides me! However, my dad was in his mid-40s by the time I was born, so now that I'm 17 he's 63 and I've got to take care of him... I haven't even started my own life yet! I know that my parents expect to retire off me in the future because they neglected to save any of their own money for retirement (they're filing for bankruptcy, actually). I suppose I'm financially obligated to them already...

Strangely enough, my dad doesn't really have any of the physical problems associated with a stroke. His right side is a little weaker, but he's still able to work part-time, and he does a lot of physical labor with his job. Most of my dad's problems are his speech, memory and personality changes, things people can't see from the outside. It's really difficult to explain it to others who don't understand his symptoms... I would have never expected a 60 year old man to revert to acting like a 12 year old child... It's probably one of the stranger things I've witnessed, but I guess it'll work out somehow.

[AShadow721]

I don't expect my son to take care of me in my old age, or if I become disabled. And I don't expect to live off of his earnings. He's my son, I should be the one taking care of him, not the other way around. Maybe I'm just from different culture.

Anyway, I had to take care of my father when I was a minor, but not because he had a stroke. I'm sorry you have to deal with all this. I don't think you should feel guilty. And I don't think that your whole family should expect you to be the one to help. Your brothers don't seem to want to help, so they shouldn't expect you to help, especially when you desire to go to college and you think your father doesn't need as much help. And by the time you will go, he'll probably be even better. I know you care, but don't let your parents get in the way of you living the life that you want to. Education is very important these days. You really can't get very far without a degree anymore.

[whoswho]

I just need to stop second-guessing myself. My dad is fine with the idea; it's my mom who is trying to guilt me out of it. It's as if I'm obligated to repay her for raising me. I think she is just using caring for my dad as a facade to control me. Although I'm confused on her mixed messages: be successful but stay at home.

My mom taxes my energy a lot more than my dad does, that's for sure.

[AShadow721]

I don't think you have to repay her for raising you. She's the one that decided to have you and raise you, right? It's not like you asked her to. I think you helped out enough. It's time you do something for yourself. I agree, she's definitely sending you mixed signals. I wonder what she really wants. Maybe she just doesn't want you to leave and she's just making excuses?

[purple_fins]

When I was 13 my dad had a massive heart attack, in ICU for 5 days, was not expected to live. Being the youngest, I was the only one left at home-- all the others had moved out. Was chaotic living there!(but that's a whole other story).... anyway... my mom leaned on me for her emotional support and assurance, I had to be the strong one(heaven knows she sure wasn't) and when dad came home from hospital the weight and responsibilty just got heavier. I wouldn't even ask for clothes for school as I didn't want to further burden parents..... I went without all things a young teen had and did at that time....

Like you, my dad was in his mid 40's when I was born and so I had to deal with issues of having aging parents looooong before my peers did.

I can sure understand your difficult situation and my heart is with you.

Take it from a person that's been there---- PLEASE go and follow your dreams. Please-- there is only one you and you are only young for a short time-- believe me-- it will go fast enough. I think you have fulfilled all you should have as a daughter and then some. A child's place as a teen and young adult should NOT be to be the sole person it's parents rely on. There are day nurses, counseling help and other family members that can continue with such care. You are NOT the only option-- don't let anyone try to convince you that you are.

Go and explore your dreams and ideas! Find who and what YOU are!
don't be left behind from your peers... it's so not healthy, I can attest to that.

wishing you the very best

[eskielover]

Purple_fins hit is on the nose. Your mother has come to be so dependent on you, she isn't wanting you to leave.....that means change....& when you have grown to be completely dependent on someone, change is not only uncomfortable, but feels impossible & scary. Yet I am sure that in your mother's heart, she wants you to be successful & live you life......thus the conflict that I am sure she is feeling.

It is important that you live your life......do not give it up just because this has happened. There is enough help available to your mother...it just means that she is going to have to seek new help in her life & not continue to depend on you.....but the help is there...she just is afraid to look for it because you are comfortable.

You will be no good to yourself nor your family if you don't pursue your dreams & go to college. All children need to have their own lives& follow their dreams. We were not put here to be our parents keepers in a long term extended situation.

Don't allow your mothers fears of finding the available help that is out there stop you from doing what you need to do in your life....not only will you end up feeling resentful, but you mother will really end up feeling guilty on top of all her other emotions if you don't do what you need to do in life. Not saying it won't be rough on her & she will struggle, but her strength will also grow if you leave also....something that is seems she needs also.

Once you have gone after your future....doesn't mean that you can't come back & settle your life near them to care again......but that will be on your terms at that point & with your success in hand.

Best wishes.....Know it will all work out well

[ECHOES]

I have two older brothers who are both adults that I feel should be more than capable of helping my mom out if she needs it

I agree! In addition, your mom may want to look into respite care and in-home help. Your dad's doctor could help by providing some resources in your community.

It is time for you to live your life now. You can support your mom by phone and email or letter. Maybe your mom is letting you know in her way that your help has been appreciated and that she is going to miss you, yet she wants you to go and be successful too.

I wonder also if you have a mixed message within you? ... There must be times you are looking forward to being away from this, to be free. That's okay

[Perna]

I agree with Echoes; I would, myself, call and talk to my father's doctor, see if you couldn't interest him in taking some initiative and talking to your mother about your father and how SHE could get help.

I don't know if you're planning to go very far away to school? You might think about living/being closer if you wanted, knowing that your brother's are kind of useless (despite what they "should" be doing). But also like Echoes pointed out, you don't want to get tangled in too many mixed messages in yourself, trying to second guess yourself and what would be best for you.

One thing I did when I got married and was having trouble with my stepmother was think about how much longer she'd be alive and if I wanted to just "wait her out" rather than confront her on some things that didn't mean that much to me. I don't know how much you really want to get away but you could maybe do a year or two at a local community college for your "basic" courses and gradually pull away from your parents and/or get some help put in place.

Does your mother have her own friends? Maybe you could find local support groups and go to a few with her and help her out that way. I belonged to the National Family Caregiver's Association: http://www.thefamilycaregiver.org/ and recommend it highly.

[whoswho]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their kind suggestions... I was beginning to feel very hopeless and alone in this situation.

(((purple_fins))) Yeah, my dad was in the hospital for 5 days, too, and wasn't really expected to recover at all. He didn't receive any treatment for over 8 hours, but that's a different story... And I feel like I have to be the strong one for everyone because my mom is in the middle of her own breakdown and my brothers don't help at all... So I don't know.

(((eskielover))) I just wanted to thank you for reminding me about my mom's feelings... I think kids are just prone to forgetting that their parents are people, too.

(((ECHOES))) You're absolutely right. I want to leave but I'm afraid of leaving all for the same reason. I always wanted to go away for college, but now I feel really guilty about wanting to leave.

(((Perna))) Thanks for the link. I checked it out and it looked helpful. Thankfully, my mom's going to the doctor tomorrow, so we'll see what happens...