[FeralShaman]

Before everything in my life blew up, I came to the realization that I've assumed a role I really should probably have insisted go to a professional. Twenty-one and I've taken on a role as caretaker for my father, who was diagnosed over ten years ago with progressive Multiple Sclerosis.

As things progressed from Dad being Dad with MS to Dad being a disabled person who just gave up in the face of this disease I've found that I have a lot of conflicting feelings building up. The first is anger of course and resentment. I feel like my childhood was sucked away from me because of my father's temper, his criticism and all the verbal abuse over the years. I can't act spontaneously. I feel like I've been molded into a worrier rather than growing up as one. As a consequence I feel like I've missed out on a lot, alienated a lot of my friends and like I'm an alien in my own home. An outsider looking in.

I learned to cook from an early age, and I'm fairly self sufficient, but because of all this crap I've had to deal with, I'm worried that I'm a "codependent". With Dad no longer in my life I feel like I've got nothing to do with my hands. I'm not cleaning up broken coffee cups, spills, or helping him shave his head or even folding his laundry when I come home. So, when the chores are all said and done here, what am I supposed to do? I don't have any friends here in the state anymore. They're all either away at school or building lives elsewhere.

I'm not needed anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. I wonder if this is anything like what my mother must have felt when I left for the dorms. Thoughts?

[Rhapsody]

Speaking from my own experience as a parent of a handicap daughter I can relate to what you are saying and to the negative feelings that now dwell within in you rather you want them there or not.... ((( hugs )))

The best advice I can give you is to allow time to be your best friend as you adjust to life with out being a care giver... it took me four years after my daughter passed away at ten years old to become me again - and while those four years were difficult at times I can say "at least I got there"

What helped me was.... going to the park a few times a week to slowly get used to interacting with other people again, joining a social group at church and looking up an old friend from years ago.

If you are not seeing a T might I suggest that you look one up - it helps to get through these hard times.