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Shellsh0cked
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Trig Aug 27, 2012 at 05:34 PM
  #1
Hello. I just joined the forum here, and I need some advice about a girl that I was dating recently. She has signs of BPD, and since I knew there were many BPDs on the forum I thought I would ask you guys to see what you think.
What you are about to read sounds like a nightmare…and a lot of it was, but I will say this. When things were good, they were wonderful. She took good care of me, said sweet things to me. She appreciated the way that I cared about her and the effort I made to make her happy. We had an outstanding sex life, and just enjoyed being around each other as much as possible. It’s just when the good was good, the bad…so much worse.
I was looking at the signs, and have done a fair amount of research on the subject….I got to say, it kind of freaked me out to read some of the descriptions and stories of other people that had to deal with a loved one that has this issue.
As I said, I have done a fair amount of research, and I understand that mistreatment or abandonment as a child doesn’t necessarily indicates BPD onset. I have read that many come from normal homes too…but I will say that as a child, her father was never in the picture and her mother was involved with a number of men that were physically, mentally and sexually abusive to her when they were very young. When we first got serious, she was often accusing me of not wanting to be with her. Like I didn’t think she was good enough for me. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I will say I have never been more in love with any woman…any time…any place. She’s the only woman in the room as far as I was concerned. She failed to see it that way. I was often accused of all kinds of affairs. From one of our mutual friends, a 16 year old child…to random girls, and believe it or not….EVEN her MOTHER. The last one I found so repulsive I just want to puke. Also it occurred on a holiday which made it even more disgusting to me.
One of the main things that made me think she may be BPD was that she values and devalues pretty much everyone in her life. Her family, her best friends…Her best friend is a good example. One day she is her best friend. She could come over, and after she leaves, she is saying she’s a filthy *****, a horrible person and she hates her. Two days later…chummy. Like the best person she's ever met. Now me? I was either God or Satan to her. There was no in between. It didn’t take anything to set her off. Black or white. No gray. If I forgot what time I was supposed to come over, or had to change plans at the last second, I was in big trouble. I could go from having been the sweetest man that ever walked to the earth to a jerk that couldn’t “figure it out” and I had “forgotten” her, or just had my mind on other things on my mind, like wanting to be with other women, or just plain didn’t care. It didn’t matter how big or small either. It was a relationship destroying issue. I was always scared to ever suggest changing plans because I knew what was in store. Now if she were to change plans on me that was completely acceptable. I completely changed every aspect of my lifestyle to accommodate her, and I still wound up losing.
Another thing that was huge was that she has had some issues with drugs and alcohol in the past, but the thing she seems to be the most self-damaging about is promiscuity. She has been with a lot of men. She told me a while back that she didn’t do that sort of thing anymore. Yet, we broke up several times and she slept with a couple of guys a week or less later. In fact, one of them less than 24 hours after we broke up. I was devastated. I love this girl…so much… Why would she want to do something like this? Somehow I managed to forgive her….even for that. She even threw that in my face when she was in an anger fit, but later justified how it was okay because we “weren’t together” at the time. It really broke my heart that she didn’t see that for what it was…that even on a moral level it was wrong. Her inability to see that was crushing.
Another sign. Suicide attempts. She has supposedly attempted suicide at least twice in the last two years. One time she got pretty close. So close that I really freaked out. She always blamed me for this. Telling me “I’ve never been this suicidal”. What? So in her eye some amount of suicidal tendencies is normal? She has made other attempts over years prior to us being together. How much was serious and how much was for attention I couldn’t begin to guess. We had a discussion a while back, and she said since she was 14, she had attempted it or seriously considered it six times. “That’s not a lot…” She actually said that to me. I almost hit the floor. Sure doesn't make you feel good to think you're the reason that person is so miserable.
Correct me if I am wrong, but panic disorders are also common with BPDs? Unfortunately, she also has a panic disorder that runs in her family. I have had one or two myself, so I know they are no fun. I have seen her freak out a couple of times over what I first thought to be nothing…couldn’t understand it…till I had one. This ties in with the irritability according to psychcentral….and yes, I could upset her by changing plans, having a duh moment…forgetting something I thought VERY insignificant…and be in the doghouse for days. With no letting up. Constantly reminded of what a selfish and heartless person I am. She would send me texts and emails while I was working telling me over and over that I was horrible. That I was in love with myself…and that I had everyone snowed that I was kind and decent. Accused me or being narcissistic…not caring about her needs. I would endure hours of torture trying to make up for tiny slights. Assuring her how much I love her. After it was resolved? No problems. As long as it was just the two of us together, with no outside contacts…we were two peas in a pod. We couldn’t possibly be more in love.
She often lost her cool on a level to which I had never seen before. On a couple of occasions, she caused a MAJOR scene in a public place filled with our common friends. I had literally sat down 10 seconds beside her when she jumped up freaking out. I couldn’t even get her to tell me why. Turns out she said I was looking at other women in the place. She said she “knew” I was attracted to them! I didn’t even have a clue as to what she was talking about…She left the building for about 30 minutes and then returned as we were cleaning up, and started yelling at me. In the parking lot…inside the building…at the top of her lungs. My friends thought she was crazy. I told her if she didn’t calm down that I was leaving. She kept yelling, so I left. She did not follow as one of my friends tried to talk her down. She showed up at my house right after I did…I mean like 3 seconds which indicated she had to have been driving at a very high rate of speed to catch me since she wasn’t in my rear view while I waited on the light. She was intoxicated, and got out of her car at 3 in the morning screaming at me. I calmed her down that night. She pulled the same kind of thing when we broke up around Christmas and came to my house and refused to leave without me giving her “closure”. She called me and left voicemails that I was “going to pay”, and she was going to get the closure if she had to stay there all night. And if I didn’t “want someone to die” I’d come there. One of my friends came with me, and we found knives in the car with her blood on them. She said later it was an accident, but I’m not so sure….whether they were to cut herself or me. The next morning she called me...unbelieving what she had done. Made me pretty uneasy…but like a fool I took her back. The final straw is when a similar public incident occurred, she got physical with me and threatened me…She decided to come to my house before I got home. This time to probably cut me up as she had again purchased knives before coming over. She also decided to do a great deal of damage to my car while she was there. She went to jail that night. I HATED that. I mean HATED it. Nothing sucks worse than watching someone you love in that position. She left me no choice. I just felt pity for her and decided I wasn’t going to bother with prosecuting her if the damage to the car was paid in restitution to the insurance company. She got off from all of the charges with a slap on the wrist with some anger management classes…I hear from others, she is still “very angry” two months later. She has no remorse for what she did, and blames me for her actions. She does not accept responsibility for her role in any of it.
The paranoia was the worst. According to her I was out to get her. I was narcissistic and I felt no empathy and that I manipulated everyone around me. She often said that her mother was also the scum of the earth. And that she hoped she’d die. When I traveled on business, she even accused me of having her mother with me! This was a fairly daily battle for me. Any woman…I mean any. Young, middle aged, old as dirt…didn’t matter. Once it started up, I was screwed.
WHEW!! What do y’all think?? It sure sounds crazy. I've been in therapy since March trying to sort through it myself.
Gotta say though. I hate this because I love her...so much...and I know were at a point where were done. I am never going back to that kind of treatment.




Last edited by FooZe; Aug 27, 2012 at 07:27 PM.. Reason: added trigger icon
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Default Aug 29, 2012 at 07:41 AM
  #2
So, no takers on this one? Feedback is appreciated.
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Default Oct 18, 2012 at 09:42 AM
  #3
Wow.
I hope you can recover and accept that once knives are involved (and probably long before) you've really got no choice but to protect yourself (and her for that matter). Objectivity, compassion, and love for our partners allow us to endure some really torturous emotional abuse, but the physical line is pretty clear even if the target was only effigy of you. I won't say you're lucky, because your experience was traumatic and it might take you a while to figure out what a normal level of disagreement with one you love is, but just think of going through years of the "lesser" abusive behavior where you might start to believe her outbursts are really your fault or just because she's "emotional" and your just a wimp for not being able to take it.
My spouse may have Borderline PD (certainly the volatile emotion symptoms) and I completely recognize the sudden rages for simply for not being able to guess what she's thinking. She needs attention, deploy the mine field. I don't have a big ego and can tolerate always surrendering (so far), but the years have made me into an habitual liar when it comes to communicating with her and always being wrong takes it's toll.
I hope you can put it behind you and accept you did what you could to love her while being unable to tolerate her disorder. We all have a right to feel good in a relationship, that is not selfishness. If you have to suffer to have her feel good that is just not healthy or sustainable for anyone.

Best of luck.
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Default Oct 21, 2012 at 04:49 PM
  #4
Wow sounds like youve had a really hard run! I can telk by the way you speak (write) you have a lot off feelings.for this woman and well done.for enduring what many would have walked away from. Dont let her ruin your life though. I hope she gets the help she needs to regain some stability in her life.

Im kinda sitting on te other side off the table.and its not great news. As im sure you know, feelings are really.unstable for BPDs and i think that is why we lack remorse because generally if weve had a fall out with someone theyre now on our blacklist so we dont care about them anyway. Well thays how.it.is.for me.as much.ss.i hate to admit it.

Im sure youve had a great impact on this womans life she just hss a lot.off.issues, dont blame yourself. It is.realy hard to have relationahips when you have BPD and as much as its.no.excuse it does tend.to make people quite nastyd. But thats just the nature off it. Most BPDs have an.amaxing loving side as well ( if youre lucky enough to be on it)

I hope tjis hasnt offended anyone just saying how.i feel from my prospective!
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Default Nov 04, 2012 at 09:34 PM
  #5
Okay, I am totally freaked out by your post. All of my life I have had very serious relationship issues....but what you described about your x-girlfriend....reminds me of me. I will tell you that, for myself, I have serious trust issues and that is why I accused men in my past for looking at other women and wanting to sleep with them all. In my eyes, I didn't feel that I could compete or hold a man's attention so I became very jealous and desperate. Panic takes over and the only thing that occupies your mind is being cheated on and abandoned. I can also say that I cannot perceive love normally. I have only ever understood love once in my life. That was when my son was born and I was very obsessed with him. So much so, that he had very severe separation anxiety as a child. I totally suffocated him. Other than that, I am completely empty and completely alone. My family won't have anything to do with me and I have no friends. I give and give and give but what I have to offer is always rejected and that really sucks!!!

I read that you really love your x...I see both sides of the situation, but my heart breaks for her mostly. If there is any way you can get beyond your own pain and stick with her to help her in anyway, I plead with you to do so. People like your x need other people just like everyone else...if not more. The life she is living...if you don't mind my speaking for her...is like the real person is trapped inside a body that is not yours and it does things you don't want it to do. All you want to do is rip your face off and scream and run as far away as possible...but you can't because that ugly wretch of a person is you...and you are trapped forever and you have no choice. You envy others who can get away from you, and you hate them for doing so, but then if you are fortunate enough to have someone stick around, you wonder why in the world are you with me? So, you find reasons to justify your negative beliefs about yourself...you don't feel deserving of being loved, yet you want it so desperately. It is pure confusion and frustration. Please, I beg you to do everything you can to help her. Even if you can't be her boyfriend...remain her friend...it is a matter of life and death...maybe not a physical death, but an internal death, which is much worse. God bless!
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Default Oct 30, 2013 at 12:12 PM
  #6
Hello...Revisiting this page after some time. I never realized I got any replies about this. Yes, this has been an extremely hard process for me to get through. In fact so much that it started to make my health deteriorate. So I have had to learn how to say screw this and not drag myself through it anymore.

Facts I have come to live with. Being with her is a death sentence for me. It was destroying my health, both mental and physical and I was dying...literally. Why did I keep going back?? Then I realized a lot of my problem is that I am highly addicted to her and I am co-dependent as hell when it comes to her...That's a VERY bad combination for both of us. Another fact is that I realize how real her pain was. Whether I could fully understand the actions that made no sense to me...but her pain was real even though I know I was innocent of the horrible things she accused of me. None of that matters...only how she felt does...I know I did nothing wrong other than keeping going back which was killing her. Because I love her so much, and always will till I draw my last breath I have to let her go...for her sake and mine. Nothing good can come of it. She isn't likely to ever change as this has been her path over and over with the only difference is that her behavior is more and more erratic.

Cat333...I understand how you feel, but there is nothing I can do for her. She has to be able to do it for herself. I cannot force her. She refused treatment...even when I told her I would go with her. She doesn't even believe she has a problem other than a panic disorder. She is too proud and too terrified to admit to it. Being with her does nothing other that make the problem worse. She is in no kind of shape for any type of serious relationship...with anyone. I would love to be there for her because I care so deeply for her...but the fact is that just cannot happen. The cuts are just too deep. It pains me to know that I can never see her again, speak to her again...Reconciliation is pretty much out of the question. That kills me because even 14 months later, I just want to put my arms around her and hug her and tell her everything is going to be okay...That cant happen because I know how I could be sucked in again, and I just cannot afford that. I am sorry too...I really truly do understand your pain...I really do.

Pickleweeze...I know that loving side of her...It's why I stayed with her and kept going back. I truly love her...very much so. I always will, and that is what is so crushing to me...



Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate it...

Shellsh0cked.

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Default Oct 30, 2013 at 02:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Shellsh0cked View Post
Hello...Revisiting this page after some time. I never realized I got any replies about this. Yes, this has been an extremely hard process for me to get through. In fact so much that it started to make my health deteriorate. So I have had to learn how to say screw this and not drag myself through it anymore.

Facts I have come to live with. Being with her is a death sentence for me. It was destroying my health, both mental and physical and I was dying...literally. Why did I keep going back?? Then I realized a lot of my problem is that I am highly addicted to her and I am co-dependent as hell when it comes to her...That's a VERY bad combination for both of us. Another fact is that I realize how real her pain was. Whether I could fully understand the actions that made no sense to me...but her pain was real even though I know I was innocent of the horrible things she accused of me. None of that matters...only how she felt does...I know I did nothing wrong other than keeping going back which was killing her. Because I love her so much, and always will till I draw my last breath I have to let her go...for her sake and mine. Nothing good can come of it. She isn't likely to ever change as this has been her path over and over with the only difference is that her behavior is more and more erratic.

Cat333...I understand how you feel, but there is nothing I can do for her. She has to be able to do it for herself. I cannot force her. She refused treatment...even when I told her I would go with her. She doesn't even believe she has a problem other than a panic disorder. She is too proud and too terrified to admit to it. Being with her does nothing other that make the problem worse. She is in no kind of shape for any type of serious relationship...with anyone. I would love to be there for her because I care so deeply for her...but the fact is that just cannot happen. The cuts are just too deep. It pains me to know that I can never see her again, speak to her again...Reconciliation is pretty much out of the question. That kills me because even 14 months later, I just want to put my arms around her and hug her and tell her everything is going to be okay...That cant happen because I know how I could be sucked in again, and I just cannot afford that. I am sorry too...I really truly do understand your pain...I really do.

Pickleweeze...I know that loving side of her...It's why I stayed with her and kept going back. I truly love her...very much so. I always will, and that is what is so crushing to me...



Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate it...

Shellsh0cked.
Everything you experianced emotionally, you could have been saying about my ex bf. And also of me. Wicked mix. I finally had to break up with him, for the same reason...my mental health. He was killing me by degrees, piece by piece tearing me apart. I'm BPD as well, but it was the flipside for me and him. I need help and am getting it. He thought he was just fine and it was my fault he treated me this way. He admitted finally that he had made me the 'enemy' for months because he felt guilty about leaving his wife. Supposedly, it was for me, after a 12 year 'friend' relationship...ended up, it was only for him.

He wanted out. I was his excuse. Once that happened, he couldn't be with me because I only reminded him of what he'd done and since it couldn't be his fault, it had to be mine. Black and white. That's how it is for me most of the time...he was my first and hopefully last BPD/NPD. It still astonishes me how we lasted as long as we did.

I understand all the comments: it is sad he's alone now...but he won't be long, and I know it. That's the part that hurts. Because I did vest much time in this...and became too co-dependant. I'm glad to be out of it, even if it hurts. I'll get help...he'll do the same thing to another woman, I've no doubt. He knows how. He cut his teeth on me.

I wish you well, and hope you find a relationship that is healthy and works for you.
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Default Oct 30, 2013 at 04:08 PM
  #8
It's so hard when you love someone like that...that you love so hard and you are powerless to do anything to "fix" it...

I totally understand. Black and White thinking...that was a major issue of hers. She EVEN said..."there is black and white...right and wrong...there is no gray areas". I disagree with that. Also...As a result since this came to an end I am SUPER protective of myself. Probably to the point to where I threw a couple of really good things away that came into my life since then. I guess due to the fact that I came to realize that I wasn't just hurt but truly traumatized by this whole situation. And that takes time to heal. I won't allow another person to do this to me. Also it is important to note that in your case...as mine, so promise I am not judging...a relationship that got kicked off like that isn't going to work. There is very little trust, and with a BPD trust issues are a big deal anyway so that can be a major point of failure and just seeks to explode like it did with my situation.

Thank you all...Hang in there.
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Default Oct 30, 2013 at 04:14 PM
  #9
This reminds me of me before my current boyfriend and I got together (minus the threats of physical violence). Did you try mentioning your hunch she has BPD? I am a borderline and one of the first things my boyfriend did was ask about it and then helped me seek treatment and find help. I assure you if she is, she is unhappy and while I don't know of she'd accept any help from you now in getting treated or seen by a psychiatrist (depends if she's completely demonized you or not), that maybe that'd be one way to still love her by teaching her to love herself.

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Default Oct 30, 2013 at 04:19 PM
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It's so hard when you love someone like that...that you love so hard and you are powerless to do anything to "fix" it...

I totally understand. Black and White thinking...that was a major issue of hers. She EVEN said..."there is black and white...right and wrong...there is no gray areas". I disagree with that. Also...As a result since this came to an end I am SUPER protective of myself. Probably to the point to where I threw a couple of really good things away that came into my life since then. I guess due to the fact that I came to realize that I wasn't just hurt but truly traumatized by this whole situation. And that takes time to heal. I won't allow another person to do this to me. Also it is important to note that in your case...as mine, so promise I am not judging...a relationship that got kicked off like that isn't going to work. There is very little trust, and with a BPD trust issues are a big deal anyway so that can be a major point of failure and just seeks to explode like it did with my situation.

Thank you all...Hang in there.

Absolutely, agree. I saw lots of flags, you know I did. Didn't matter...I was addicted and he was as well. He just managed to lean on the NPD of is MI and discard me once the reason for being with me ended.

There is a saying that a relationship will end the way it starts...either bad or good. Ours started with a lie. And it ended with a lie.

I know what you mean about trust issues for me of course, obviously. But moreso now....I don't trust at all and won't let anyone do this to me. My fear is that if I meet someone who really IS nice...how will I ever know it? How will I ever believe it?

I'm just focusing on myself and my health now. I'm afraid for the future tho....
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Default Oct 30, 2013 at 04:24 PM
  #11
Labels are thrown around a lot and it really takes a professional to determine what the actual diagnosis is. Can't really go by what you've told us to even make a guess as it could be BPD or some thing else entirely different. She could even have more then one disorder too. I think the thing we can all agree on, labels aside for a moment, is she does have issues and she should seek a therapist. Other then that you have two choices. Try to be as understanding and supportive as you can, or get out now, because things could get worse, or stay the same indefinitely and yes even get better, but the first two are more probable.

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Default Oct 30, 2013 at 05:44 PM
  #12
Yeah buddy; I'm having flashbacks. I've been through most of the things that you've mentioned. It hurts when someone doesn't understand how much you care about them. She didn't even know who you were. Maybe didn't care who you were either, and that's a tough pill to swallow. I was physically abused, verbally anused, torchered, lied to, you name it. I don't want to get into it all, but I couldn't swallow food for several weeks, and after 3 visits with a therapist, he said we should part ways. I will stop here.
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Default Oct 30, 2013 at 06:16 PM
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Yeah buddy; I'm having flashbacks. I've been through most of the things that you've mentioned. It hurts when someone doesn't understand how much you care about them. She didn't even know who you were. Maybe didn't care who you were either, and that's a tough pill to swallow. I was physically abused, verbally anused, torchered, lied to, you name it. I don't want to get into it all, but I couldn't swallow food for several weeks, and after 3 visits with a therapist, he said we should part ways. I will stop here.

I wouldn't be so hasty in saying she may didn't care who he was... often times, us BPDers just don't know how to or how to accept that kind of love from another since it is something we have never learned how to do. For many with BPD (and given her background, it could be like this for her), love has always came at a price. Why do you think we are so suspicious of it?

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Default Oct 30, 2013 at 06:40 PM
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I wouldn't be so hasty in saying she may didn't care who he was... often times, us BPDers just don't know how to or how to accept that kind of love from another since it is something we have never learned how to do. For many with BPD (and given her background, it could be like this for her), love has always came at a price. Why do you think we are so suspicious of it?

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Thumbs up Nov 01, 2013 at 12:13 PM
  #15
Well...I appreciate the feedback guys. Really do. There's no way I will ever go back to her. In fact, I am going to do my best to avoid her for the rest of my life because she is in fact quite toxic to me...and me to her as well because I do keep coming back and my codependency issues. Doesn't mean I don't love her or that I don't want her...those are two separate things.

As far as her label goes...I'm no psychiatrist, but I thought she had 7 of the nine signs, as did her brother in law. Her sister said she had all 9. Her childhood friend thought it described her to a tee when she learned about it in psychology class...and we had never even discussed anything like that but yet she said "omg, that's XXXX"....What does that mean? Nothing really because I am no psychiatrist, and neither are they...but I can say this...the case is VERY good for her being BPD...that's why I came here. I'd bet my life on it in fact...I know her better than just about anyone on earth. Unfortunately the only psychiatrist she ever saw pushed some drugs on her after spending about 30 minutes with her and she hasn't returned (that I know of anyway). Many psycholgists don't want to deal with BPD I have heard, and there are only a few specialists here in town.....soooo....

Do I think she cared about me? Loved me? Sure. Without a doubt. The intensity of her emotion towards me proved that. Still does love me I am certain although on the surface she hates every cell in my body. But, I believe she was melted and poured for me....My soulmate. I really think that once she had time to put it into perspective she knows that I did nothing but love her. God...I'd love to just hug her... Can I live without her? It's hard, but I cannot live with her. She refused treatment because I think she is afraid of what she might find out about herself. I think that is the worst part for her because she cannot face it.

She made attempts on my life and was systematically destroying everything I ever knew about myself. I may be somewhat avoidant, may have some codepency issues... and I admit...sometimes I can be a bastard...especially if I have my character questioned or I am taken advantage of but I know these things: I am NOT narcissitic, nor am I a paraphilliac or a voyeur and I certainly don't get my jollies by lusting after 15 year old girls or her 60 year old mother. She made me doubt everything I thought I knew about myself. THat's a receipe for a heart attack or a stroke. I KNOW that I am a good person with morals...someone that loves her for WHO she is with all his heart. I had to disassemble all those horrible things...It took a lot of time. I still have days where it hurts. I know this too....whether this stuff is imagined or real? Her pain was real. It was no joke. I don't think I have to explain that to you. She was truly suffering whether I did anything to her or not. She was hurt. When you can realize that? And you can let someone go BECAUSE you love them...is when you finally can have some peace about all that because you know it was of no fault of your own. I know I tried with every thing I had. I know there was nothing left I could do. I should have let her go months earlier...but I was too selfish.

SO unfortunately I can't help her. It's a moot point at this juncture because I am out of her life forever. That statement hurts me so much to say it, but I know it is the best thing. So it's up to her friends and family to either encourage her to get help, or to continue to enable her behavior. There is nothing further I can do.

Again, thanks for your comments guys. I really do appreciate the feedback from some other BPDs. I really sincerely hope that things are either improving or have improved for you. Since you are here, it is my belief that you have made a big step in acknowledging it...knowledge is power, and power will help you win. I say this because I have had a similar struggle with my health but with working hard (bucking conventional thinking) and different therapies finally made the difference and I am almost back to my old self. So maybe that may give you some hope.... good luck to you all.!!

Last edited by Shellsh0cked; Nov 01, 2013 at 12:28 PM..
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Default Nov 01, 2013 at 03:11 PM
  #16
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Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam View Post
I wouldn't be so hasty in saying she may didn't care who he was... often times, us BPDers just don't know how to or how to accept that kind of love from another since it is something we have never learned how to do. For many with BPD (and given her background, it could be like this for her), love has always came at a price. Why do you think we are so suspicious of it?

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I will go with that. She's always picked really bad guys to date...had bad male role models growing up. I don't quite think she knew what to do with me because I was different in that I wasn't "after" anything...and certainly didn't mistreat her...I love her. One thing I had noted a few months after this ended (and I had originally posted)...is that she copes by "validation". When she can validate a feeling she has with fact (or something similar) she doesn't feel like she is going crazy....like "I shouldn't react this way...he hasn't done anything."...well if she could validate that feeling by creating a reason for that distrust and insecurity, then by goodness that means she has no reason to feel crazy or out of control....because it's all rational. When we first got together she raged on me several times and the next day was met with..."I'm so sorry...I don't know why I acted like that". You could tell it was terrifying to her.

Case in point...of course ANYONE would be pissed and disgusted if their partner was checking out one of their parents! I get that. What's weird? THis was at her mother's house on Thankgiviing weekend (arrived Sat, left Sun). I know the very first accusation didn't happen until 2 days later that she said something about it to me...after we'd spent many more hours together which included several great and loving sexual encounters and we were all smiles. Now me personally? I'd let my girlfriend HAVE IT right then if I thought she was checking out my dad or my brother...I wouldn't wait two days. There wasn't even an issue that night...or the next morning...In fact she bragged to her sister that she was going to skip church to "have sex with my boyfriend"...with a big grin on her face I'm told. Now me? I don't think that would be my attitude in her shoes. I'd let her have it THEN for doing something repugnant and disrespectful like that. It wasn't until she was at work and alone with her insecurities that this popped up. MY GUESS is that when she was alone...and away from me all day... that she started to let those insecurities get the best of her and that was her way of explaining why she felt that way....because it happened right? Dunno...that's my only explaination for that. Because when she comfronted me with that I was like ??? I couldn't believe what I was hearing! A lot of the reason she is the way she is, is due to her mother. Hell, I couldn't even stand being in the same room as she was for YEARS because she was so self-centered and selfish. Since that time she lost a child to suicide, and I gotta give her credit for trying to do better since then. Am I on her fan club? Hardly...SO why the hell would I be attracted someone like that?? I'm not that damn shallow...Not to mention I find NOTHING physically attractive about this woman...hence the confusion set it...She never could give me a clear answer as to why she didn't say something when it supposedly occured or her complete lack of emotion about it at the time?

So it's all part of the "validation" thing I guess...to make sense of something that makes no sense?

Anyone wanna punch some holes in that theory...that's all it is...

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Default Nov 01, 2013 at 04:02 PM
  #17
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Originally Posted by Shellsh0cked View Post

Anyone wanna punch some holes in that theory...that's all it is...
I won't, but I will add something. I think you are more than marginally correct about her being alone, at work, probably stressed and feeling abandoned (because you weren't with her--as impossible as that would be, the impossibility only adds to the insecurity); she probably remembered a look, possibly (probably) not coming from you at all, possibly (probably) coming from her mother (yes, this is weird, but hear me out)...it takes very very little for a BPD to create a mountain, worth climbing to us, because with all of our trust issues and abandonment issues raging, we can't see anything else but the climb. We assault the mountain like we're desperate to find an answer, and the only answer we can see is the most absurd...but in our spectrum of terror, its the only one there.

The sad thing is, I totally get why she did that. Is it wrong? Absolutely. Did you lose something of yourself by trying to assure her/look intently at ALL your behavior for any sign you did something wrong? Absolutely. Does this eventually bind you tighter to her, while destroying your self-esteem and trust in your inner self/mind? Absolutely. Was that her intention? No.

She's boxed in and can't see what she's doing, was doing. Our version of 'normal' is skewed, and unless we are willing to LOOK at why our lives are shattered, we just keep doing the same thing, the same ways, and pity ourselves because we're always alone and always hurting. Which always brings the next 'brave soul' to the rescue and it happens again.

It's a better thing you got out. I do pity her tho. I wasn't, am not quite as virulent as she was (plus I have NPD issues woven in my BPD cloth) but from the most base levels, I can see her mind, and how it works....and that she will never really be free from 'broken'....and that she will only have a peripheral idea of what 'broken' is.

Be well.
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Default Nov 01, 2013 at 10:58 PM
  #18
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Originally Posted by Shellsh0cked View Post
)...is that she copes by "validation". When she can validate a feeling she has with fact (or something similar)

So it's all part of the "validation" thing I guess...to make sense of something that makes no sense?

Anyone wanna punch some holes in that theory...that's all it is...
Sounds like trying to rationalize her irrational thinking with facts. Validation, is just saying, yes, what you feel is valid, because it's your feelings.

BPD or What? Ever investigated histrionic personality disorder or any of the others?

How long, have the two of you, been without contact? And, yes, it is disturbing to be accused of having something for your lovers parent, at the same time, is that really what ended things, and why so focused on that, at this point in time?

I wonder, if you aren't bringing out, all the BPD's on this thread, because the undercurrent seems to be more a vilification of this woman, as a jilted lover? {disclaimer, I don't have BPD, was the NON, in a BPD relationship, which resulted in having children}
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Default Nov 02, 2013 at 11:51 AM
  #19
From everything I have read and comparing her to the way my partner behaves etc. I would say she has a PD I'm not experienced enough to diagnose - although the depressions and thoughts of self-harm seem to suggest BPD I do feel so sorry for you - how involved with her are you? From my understanding BPD's benefit better from therapy than NPD's. If you really love this girl it may be worth seeing if she will consider therapy. It is going to be a hard and rocky road for you and I do wish you all the best

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Default Nov 02, 2013 at 06:57 PM
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Sounds like trying to rationalize her irrational thinking with facts. Validation, is just saying, yes, what you feel is valid, because it's your feelings.

BPD or What? Ever investigated histrionic personality disorder or any of the others?

How long, have the two of you, been without contact? And, yes, it is disturbing to be accused of having something for your lovers parent, at the same time, is that really what ended things, and why so focused on that, at this point in time?

I wonder, if you aren't bringing out, all the BPD's on this thread, because the undercurrent seems to be more a vilification of this woman, as a jilted lover? {disclaimer, I don't have BPD, was the NON, in a BPD relationship, which resulted in having children}
Yes, I have researched all the personality disorders. In depth actually. I think it's a fair assumption based on that a person should have at least 5 of the symptoms to be considered. She has 7 as far as I am concerned, and family thinks 7 to 9. Again, I am most certainly not a psychiatrist but in addition to be involved with her, knowing her behavior, I have "done my homework"...and not just to label or anything...some of the material is about being the non-BP and knowing how to deal with that person....or how to heal after the relationship. As you know, the nons don't walk away unscathed. Hardly. Especially if they loved them the way that I will always love her.

And that "event"...No, I'm not focused on it...not now, not then. It was a LOT of things. It was just "case in point" as I stated. I'd been accused of looking at teenagers, waitresses...was accused one night of having slept with another woman before coming over to her house because I "smelled like you've been with a *****"...she was referring to her best friend that she was sure I was having an affair with. She threw me out that night. Accused me at a friend's funeral (and acted out) because I gave another woman a lighter that she asked a group of us for. I've been almost pushed down a flight of stairs, had my head pushed into a stainless steel rack, and had my life threatened by stabbing...TWICE. So no....And her mom deal? Maybe it was justification for her and what she told her friends happened...dunno but it always came back up in a fight...always. I would guess that is the rawest of all the wounds and she would NEVER let me forget it. That one hurt...especially when I did nothing wrong.

The list goes on and on and on. I was a fool for staying with her and continuing to go back...but when we have feelings of love for someone as I do, I would have walked through fire for her...Anyone that has TRUE feelings of love for someone would.

I haven't seen her in 16 months. If you note the time period in between when I originally posted and now you would see that. I can't talk to her or communicate with her any way because it's no good for either of us. I met a woman recently that was more than likely in a relationship with a BPD...and her experience mirrors mine almost exactly, so that was a major healing thing for me. And I was able to let her know that she wasn't alone...I kind of think she thought she was and maybe it helped her too.

Now, if I had a million dollars, and I could "fix" her? I would. I would rather be penniless than live without her. There is nothing I could do about it then, or now. I just have had to learn how to move on...and I have. My replying at all to this was that curiosity got me to see if anyone had ever replied to the thread. I was really hurting back then and missing her severely...Very depressed and confused. Now I know the "why" of it. Sure it sucks that this can never be resolved, but that's just how things are. Someone earlier said that BPDs can be wonderful and beautiful people. She certainly is in many ways. It wasn't always terrible...if it was why would I have stayed. There is many many things I love about her that I have yet to find in anyone else.

Hope that clears things a bit.

to you guys. I know a lot of you are struggling. I hope each one of you continues to improve managing your BPD and you can lead a happier life. I appreciate your feedback too.
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