My rant, my story, it all makes sense now

Hi there, new to this forum. But I have recently had a lightbulb switch on in my head. My first love who recently dumped me out of the blue for the 4th time has the disorder.
I think I'm writing this just to vent, but you know what? I feel so free knowing that none of it was me and I have faith that I can get on with my life as a more emotionally mature person.

We were both each others' 'first loves'. We lived around the corner from eachother, and after a week of me going round to his every evening, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I specifically remember him saying 'all mine!' right after I said yes (man it's all making sense now!). From then on, I began to lose friends, be round his every night, developed the addiction to weed he had, found myself not doing as much art…

But then after 6 months, I decided to go to art school in new york. He pretented to be supportive, but deep down I knew he was crushed. I felt so guilty for leaving him, we’d skype everyday, I really didn’t enjoy myself there as much as I could have. I come back after a year and then out of nowhere he says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. And that he’d cheated on me with multiple girls, all while he had been PREACHING to me about how I should never cheat, or even see any other guys. I cried, I begged, did everything wrong because I was in such shock – it didn’t even sink in that he’d betrayed me. But after a while he reeled me back in, and made me believe he wanted to travel with me and that he’d changed.

Well he went off to Portugal (I had some exhibition work) for a month, and I joined him there afterwards. He showered me with affection and gifts, and made me feel like ‘that person I loved’ was back again. Only to be distraught again when I found out that he ‘thought’ he was in love with a girl in Portugal when he was alone. Again the I’m sorry’s, the lies, until I took him back again.

God I feel even more stupid and blind now I’m writing it down. So we come back to England, everything is fine for a few weeks. Same stuff happens again. By this point I am FED UP. And begin to get on with my life, reconcile with friends, start being me again. But then we cross paths on the tube. And I was hesitant this time, but somehow still had that belief he had changed. Gradually, he gets me under his thumb again, unbeknownst to me.

And guess what? As soon as he gained my trust again, he says he’s found someone else on tinder, and admits to using me for the past couple of months.

This time, I’m leaving, for good, like I’d planned to do last. I’m amazed at how all this time I’d been blaming myself when really I was being used as an emotional crutch.

He called me yesterday to say he was truly and deeply sorry, and I told him about himself. And I really believe that deep down he knows he’s disordered. He can’t seem to understand why he couldn’t ever love me past infatuation. I think he feels empathy for himself in the sense that he could not see why that feeling died.

Might I add, that (god I was blinded by unconditional love), he has done this to previous friends, his parents (who are also both narcissistic), and I realised he had a lack of empathy to others, but never thought it would be aimed at me as well.

My question is, do NPD’s actually harbour feelings for past loves, especially first? Or is it just a consistent cycle of narcissistic supply? Somehow I do want to believe that some of what we had was real so I don’t feel that my love was completely unrequited for 2 years. I think the only reason we stayed together that long was because I kept part of myself independent and that bemused him.

Do they miss? Do they change? Do they try to, or are they happy with the way they are?

This is a difficult one and really needs to be answered by an NPD himself. I would say due to their lack of real empathy they might miss certain people or even remember a first love but it is really devoid of much emotion. The thing I have learnt is that it is all about them they are the most important person in their lives so to kind of answer your question - yes they remember but not really miss.They live their lives looking for validation for their 'false self' and they find this in 'N' supply both primary and secondary - 'N' supply isn't always women or relationships it can be fame, admiration, popularity etc. But that is their life's mission to maintain and prevent injury to their 'false self' others are just mere puppets and if a puppet provides 'N' supply then they are the flavour of the month