advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
MsLady
Poohbah
MsLady has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,143
3 yr Member
360 hugs
given
Default Apr 28, 2020 at 08:36 PM
  #1
I was talking with my partner today about how I felt he's been so hypersensitive to my feedback to the point he's reacting with unfair comments against me and in front of our daughters:

"You're being mean"
"You're a hypocrite" .. "You're being a hypocrite"
"You're putting me down"
"Ok, Boss" .. "You're the Boss"
"Tell me exactly what you want me to do"
"What do you want me to do?"
"Lets have it your way"
"You're controlling"
ETC.....

These are just random examples from the top of my head.

He told me this is how he really "feels" and in his opinion, is "factual information".

What concerns me most.. despite how he "feels" about me, he's planting seeds in the girls head that I'm "mean", "controlling", "bossy", and I "put him down".

I feel this behaviour is abusive.. no? It's also quite damaging to how our daughters view me which can form a permanent wedge between us .. kind of like Parental Alienation.

I mentioned I disagreed with his viewpoints and often times, he understands where I'm coming from at a later time (sometimes, days). In the moment he's reactive and defensive (which he agreed) where he's no longer able to hear what I'm saying at all. He often won't even let me finish my thoughts because, either he drowns me out, leaves the room, or says these hurtful comments to deflect a concern (big or small) I bring up.

In our conversation today, I understood the expectation is for me to communicate like a "trained psychiatrist" 100% of the time but will not hold himself to this same standard. When I approach a subject calmly, he'll "detect" an offensive "tone" and react.

His defense is he's trying very hard to just label my "behaviours" without understanding how damaging his reactions are to our daughters.

Just needing someone else's perspective.
MsLady is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
downandlonely

advertisement
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 29, 2020 at 04:30 AM
  #2
Do you want to stay with him?

__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
MsLady
here today
Grand Magnate
here today has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 3,515
10 yr Member
1,429 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 29, 2020 at 11:01 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsLady View Post
I was talking with my partner today about how I felt he's been so hypersensitive to my feedback to the point he's reacting with unfair comments against me and in front of our daughters:

"You're being mean"
"You're a hypocrite" .. "You're being a hypocrite"
"You're putting me down"
"Ok, Boss" .. "You're the Boss"
"Tell me exactly what you want me to do"
"What do you want me to do?"
"Lets have it your way"
"You're controlling"
ETC.....

. . ..
This sounds to me like information, from his perspective at least. Are you primarily interested in where he may be coming from? Or something else?

It also sounds as if you were trying to talk to him about something you were interested in -- how you felt -- and that was not a topic he was interested in, at that moment at least. Also, from his comments, it would appear that he wasn't feeling too great about what you were saying, even if that wasn't in the content of his replies.

Why are you trying to engage him in conversations about how you feel, when you have already (mentally) labeled him with NPD? Maybe he has it, or maybe he doesn't, but responding defensively isn't limited to people with NPD. Perhaps the two of you could come to an agreement about how you would like to talk about such things in the future? Have you considered couples counseling?
here today is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
MsLady
MsLady
Poohbah
MsLady has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,143
3 yr Member
360 hugs
given
Default Apr 29, 2020 at 11:43 AM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by here today View Post
This sounds to me like information, from his perspective at least. Are you primarily interested in where he may be coming from? Or something else?

It also sounds as if you were trying to talk to him about something you were interested in -- how you felt -- and that was not a topic he was interested in, at that moment at least. Also, from his comments, it would appear that he wasn't feeling too great about what you were saying, even if that wasn't in the content of his replies.

Why are you trying to engage him in conversations about how you feel, when you have already (mentally) labeled him with NPD? Maybe he has it, or maybe he doesn't, but responding defensively isn't limited to people with NPD. Perhaps the two of you could come to an agreement about how you would like to talk about such things in the future? Have you considered couples counseling?
I don't know that he has NDP. I've only started to question it recently.

I'm having conversations with him about every day life stuff because we're a couple and a family. It's not about my "feelings". It's usually about a behaviour or an oversight.. like maybe being mindful of saying triggering words with our one year old that will cause an upset (mentioning "walk" during dinner time as she'll understand it's happening "now" and gets upset why we're still sitting there). Or off balancing the two girls by putting one on a pedestal over the other. Or handling a parenting situation passively and not following through (and then complain the 3yr old "never listens to him").. etc. Sometimes the option isn't to discuss things at a later time.

Yesterday I expressed my feelings around him using damaging words in front of our daughters. This conversation went well but he didn't understand the problem with expressing his "feelings" in front of the girls against mom in this way. The examples I gave are his reactions and feelings and not a "truth". Our daughters, especially lately, are hearing this daily. I'm not being mean or controlling. I'm addressing a concern or pointing out something he appears to be oblivious about which is causing havoc.

We were seeing a couples counselor. She was great! She fired us, though, saying we'd benefit from individual counseling.. me to "vent" and him to address the 4 areas in "emotional intelligence". She heard our stories and felt he was the problem. When we left, he laughed and said she reminded him of his rehab counselor from years back, how she didn't take any of his BS.
MsLady is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 29, 2020 at 12:05 PM
  #5
The most important thing you can do is be united when it comes to the children. I was very fortunate to have this. Mostly, I was the primary parent. But if he said the kids could do something, I would agree that they could because he said so.

I know I would not stand for him putting one child over another and playing favorites. I remember once he made some snarky comment about one son as though he was not as smart as the other. I spoke to him after, alone, and pointed it out, asking him to not do that again.

My sister divorced her husband because he completely undermined her with the kids, let them do really dangerous things, and told them to ignore her!

I’m sorry you’re having these challenges. It’s much better to just not have them in the first place.

You are right his comments in front of the kids are causing parental alienation and undermining you, just like my sister had. Don’t let him get away with it, but you’ll have to do it carefully and not in front of the kids.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
MsLady
Poohbah
MsLady has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,143
3 yr Member
360 hugs
given
Default Apr 29, 2020 at 03:00 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post

You are right his comments in front of the kids are causing parental alienation and undermining you, just like my sister had. Don’t let him get away with it, but you’ll have to do it carefully and not in front of the kids.
I don't want my daughters learning I'm allowing this by having these conversations privately, and them not realizing I'm addressing these concerns. I don't want them growing up being door mats. Having said that, I most definitely have these discussions privately, too. We were up until 2am, texting last night, talking about many things. We also had a discussion in the car yesterday, while our girls were sleeping, that went rather well. He says he understands and wants to try and be a better person.. yet, today's first conversation was a bust. I am partly to blame for this one, today..

Coronavirus has shrunk our world so I'm taking steps to take care of my own mental health by going for a coffee and a walk or sit by a nearby park or school and decompress.

When it's my time to take this break and I'm putting my shoes on to leave for an hour, he wants to put me on hold.. "Can I just quickly walk the dog before you go" (well he's gotta pee).. "Can I just grab a quick coffee before you go " (he'll be quick) .. "... pick up a snack, I'm starving" (ok, he's really hungry) etc.

Then he'll tell me he's taking the girls out for a walk, too. We don't live in a large community. He's already asked our 3yr old about our specific locations when I take them for walks with me. She's shown him our "route" and hangouts, and told me so. He's already questioned me if I've met someone else because I take these walks. He has me on a short leash.

So today, he asked again if he could walk our dog quickly before I left and I said no. I vented a bit.. asking why he's often asking me to wait? Of course he drowned me out and kept repeating, "I just wanted to know if I could take him for a walk".. and brushing me off and giving attitude.. completely controlling the conversation. Then he told me he may take our girls for some French fries which is in the exact area I'm in. Gawd.. I just want an hour to myself without feeling like I'm being watched from a distance or being "found" in my space. Of course he says the opposite. He's "respectful" of my space, even though last week he showed up to one of our locations with our girls, in which he acted like he had "no idea" we where there.

It sounds silly, I know. Just give me space! Be respectful. Stop drowning me out and pretend he's innocent because I've finally gotten frustrated. My 3 yr old came up to me and said, "Mom, don't worry," and gave me a hug and big smile.. what a sweetheart, but not her responsibility to "cheer mom up".
MsLady is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
MsLady
Poohbah
MsLady has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,143
3 yr Member
360 hugs
given
Default Apr 29, 2020 at 03:12 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Do you want to stay with him?
I'm realizing recently we don't have longevity if these patterns continue. He's in counseling right now to address some of these concerns (compulsive lying, emotional parentification, controlling tendencies, etc) and has asked me to be patient while he "rewires his brain".

I'm in no position right now to do anything but ride out the wave.
MsLady is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
TishaBuv
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 05, 2020 at 11:39 AM
  #8
Sometimes people are just who they are. Trying to change them into someone you wish they were typically doesn’t work in a long run. You can spend years or entire life on that and it’s usually not working. You either accept that our partners are who they are or move on. Now of course some things could be adjusted like he can do better with washing dishes or something but it appears that he needs to become a totally different person to be a suitable partner.

It’s great you got him to see a therapist so there is hope but how much damage would be done in the process? How long are you willing to wait for him to change?
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:41 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.