Generational Narcissism

Hello.

I have been doing some research on narcissists as my therapist believes my mother is one. I keep coming across the statement, Narcissism breeds narcissism. I know my mother's upbringing was a cold, dysfunctional one. I figure if I can learn about why she is the way she is, it might help me to start forgiving her so that we may go forward and heal this rocky relationship.

After years of being in therapy working on childhood issues that didn't directly involve my mother, I am finally at a point where I'm ready to deal with the things that did.

It's time to accept that my mother wasn't there for me instead of making excuses for her and it's difficult and painful to admit that I didn't matter enough to my own mother. We've both been living in our worlds of denial. Mine is that she had a hard life and did the best she could. Hers, is that she had a hard life and did the best she could.

Truth is we both had a hard life and she could've, should've done better. She is getting better at keeping her comments to herself after I told her to stop picking on me. Now she mostly criticizes through back-handed compliments. Example.

"Oh, you look so nice today. That's a great color. Much better than that drab crap you're always wearing."

Anyway, I have a hard time convincing myself that she's NPD because not everything adds up. She does think she is better than some people, but only in small ways. Mostly, she talks down about herself, calls herself dumb and blames herself for everything. (Although it's done in a "grandiose" way.)

Any other adult children of narcissists out there?

Thank you for listening.

Periwinkle Blue

I also have NPD. The thing is is that we don't see what we're saying as wrong. For instance with that example you gave I don't see what's so wrong of your mother to say that, she's being honest.

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she's being honest

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Do you mean she's being honest with her opinion, or that the colors I wear are in fact drab? How would you know either way?

Periwinkle Blue

Hi Periwinkle Blue and Welcome!

I've been told by a couple therapists that my mother has borderline personality disorder and also narcissistic tendencies. I feel for you having a narcissistic mother-- it's tough.

As a child I was treated according to whatever happened and how it affected my mother. Like, when I had the stomach flu-- she would yell and be physically harsh-- if she had to clean anything up. She desires being the center of attention-- which has caused competition with her own daughters- she has to shine brighter than any of us! She is never wrong, when trying to tell her how some things she has done hurt me-- she turns it and makes it my fault!! --- so many different situations I could share-- If you like- you can PM me .

As a child, I learned to put her needs way ahead of mine to keep the peace and to this day have a hard time reaching out to anyone when I need help--- guess I think others will be upset with me.

I wish you healing in your relationship with your mother and with yourself. t/c ( take care)

mandy

Thank you Mandy!

I actually am interested in what you said about narcissistic tendencies. That makes more sense to me.

And I can also relate to the many stories to tell.

I so want a normal relationship with her. She is in her mid to late seventies and I am trying my hardest to find compassion so that I will have no regrets that my mother can finally have some peace.

Periwinkle Blue

Hi Periwinkle! Welcome to the forums.

My father is a narcissist. He has even been diagnosed although he shrugged it off as quackery. He feels he is the greatest thing ever put on earth and of course being the greatest thing ever, everything should certainly revolve around him. He is bald, fat and mean, yet he can’t see any fault in himself at all. He does manage to find fault in everyone else around him. I’m too thin and have ugly boney legs, my sister is too fat, my other sister and his wife are unintelligent, and my brother is the world’s greatest %#@&#! up. He also finds great pleasure in asking people trivia questions that he knows that no one will know the answer to. It makes him feel so wonderful.

I am to the point where I visit, but distance myself so I won’t get quite so hurt. I know I will never have a good relationship with him. He is far too mean and hurtful. I have said things to him about it, but instead of being his problem it is me being oversensitive. Oh and did I mention crazy? I am crazy so you can’t take anything I say seriously.

The best piece of advice my mother ever gave me: “You can visit the zoo, but don’t stick your hands in the cages or you will get bit”. I tell myself that before every visit. I don’t want to not visit at all, because he is almost 70. He won’t be around much longer, but I have to expect certain things from him. He isn’t going to change. I have to expect to get bit if I let myself feel.

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“You can visit the zoo, but don’t stick your hands in the cages or you will get bit”.

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Okay. That makes sense too. I was hoping I might be able to "tame the tiger" but I guess I have to give up that fantasy too.

I understand about pointing things out. Sometimes my mother will understand. Most times she says I'm thin skinned.

Thank you for the advice and the welcome!

Periwinkle Blue

hi there and welcome! i'm the adult daughter who was raised by two narcisstic persons...mother and father. mother also has ptsd, histrionic, scitzoid personality disorder, etc. the father has another major personality disorder that was never dx'ed. both of my brothers bear the traits...one dx'ed narcisstic.

i asked t why i wasn't that way too. for some reason i wasn't, and because of it...i was the victim 24/7. there wasn't room in that family for anymore takers. i was easy target. i just ended up DID.

i so understand where you're coming from and it's so hard.

keep talking. we understand and are listening.

kd

This is great information and sharing. Thank you all for being so honest and helpful.

I've always been afraid that I might acquire some of my mother's objectionable behavior, and I think I have become overly vigilant. How can it not rub off when you are surrounded by it? After all, if you were raised by wolves, you'd mimic their behavior. Even after you realized that you were human, I bet you'd still howl at the moon sometimes without even knowing. So I went in search of answers.

I was reading an excerpt from Malignant Self Love, By Sam Vaknin and stumbled across this paragraph which describes my mother perfectly.

Some people adopt the role of a professional victim. In doing so, they become self-centered, devoid of empathy, abusive, and exploitative. In other words, they become narcissists. The role of "professional victims" - people whose existence and very identity rests solely and entirely on their victim hood - is well researched in victimology.

It also posed the question, "Is narcissism "contagious"? Can one "catch" narcissism by living with a narcissist?"

The answer is more complex than a simple "yes" or "no". Personality disorders are not contagious in the restricted, rigorous, medical sense. They are not communicated by pathogens from one individual to another. They lack many of the basic features of physical-biological epidemics. Still, they are communicated.

The narcissist's behavior becomes tiresome, irksome and cumbersome. Ridicule is supplanted by ire and, then, by overt anger. The narcissist's inadequacies are so glaring and his denial and other defense mechanisms so primitive that we constantly feel like screaming at him, reproaching him, or even striking at him literally as well as figuratively.

Ashamed at these reactions, we begin to also feel guilty. We find ourselves attached to a mental pendulum, swinging between repulsion and guilt, rage and pity, lack of empathy and remorse. Slowly we acquire the very characteristics of the narcissist that we so deplore. We become as tactless as he is, as devoid of empathy and of consideration, as ignorant of the emotional makeup of other people, and as one track minded. Exposed in the sick halo of the narcissist, we have been "infected".

Now I just need to figure it all out and apply it to my quest for healing this relationship.

Thank you for listening.

Peri

Good to see you're getting some insight. I don't know that my ex is technically a narcissist, but he sure seems to have a lot of the traits. It's definitely not easy to not end up exhibiting a lot of their behavior, at least towards that one person.

P.S. Does anyone else deal with this? The narcissist always seems to have an air of superiority, but when you call them on it they deny it. That one drives me absolutely up the wall.